Evil Secrets of the State Fair
I attended the Eastern Idaho State Fair with my family this weekend and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life.
You see, behind the vendors and rides and animal judging lurks a dark underbelly. There is a man running a foul and evil enterprise on the fair grounds and if you keep a keen eye, you can see it for yourself.
I was oblivious to this fact for the first hour that we were there. Then I followed some shifty eyed men to an unmarked building and was surprised to find this.
Sheep Executioner
That’s right. A sheep executioner. This horrible creature has the job of killing any sheep or goats that refuse to allow themselves to be ogled and fondled and petted by the endless mob of humans that line up at the fair’s gates.
Executioner sheep 2
Yes, there were more than one. This enterprise is so huge that I saw no less than ten of the filthy beasts in this side area that most people would never even walk by. The one in the next photo is the worst.
The Supreme Champion Sheep executioner
That’s right, dear readers. This is the Supreme Champion sheep executioner in Idaho. They say that it has killed over a thousand of its fellow sheep and that it drinks nothing but blood and goat’s milk.
The only way for the animals on display at the fair to guarantee that they don’t face these awful beasts, is to win a ribbon. But even sometimes those that do can be forced to endure endless tortures. The sheep pictured below has had a bowling ball tied to its tender parts. There it will hang until the sheep relents and allows itself to be dragged back into the spotlight.
Sheep torture
There are also a whole breed of goats that are bred for one purpose and one purpose alone. The fights.
Many people from the east are not aware of this, but goat fights are the cock fights of the northwest. Farmers train their goats in gladiatorial combat throughout the year in the hopes that their malicious animal can win a top prize at the state fair’s seedy underground arena, where the prize money is fantastic.
The man behind this madness takes home quite a pretty penny from the gambling that goes on with these fights. I found proof of this business behind the large barn at the edge of the fair. See the photo below.
The place of slaughter
While perusing the midway, I also noticed that one of the rides had a sign reading that it was shut down. Yet the workers were still letting people in if their palms were slickened enough with cash. In this house of horrors ride, the entrants are allowed to watch as hooded men and the dreaded sheep executioners slaughter and torture the helpless animals on display at the fair that don’t win a ribbon.
These slaughtered animals are then turned into the burgers, foot-long corn dogs, smoked turkey legs, lamb kabobs, deep-fried goat heads, cow brain omlettes, mutton tacos, horse entrails stew, and deep-fried rocky mountain oysters on-a-stick that are sold by the food vendors scattered throughout the fair grounds.
Here is a picture of two horrified children that just came out of that disgusting slaughter house. They haven’t spoken for days since.
These boy's just left the man's house of horrors
I then asked around and after some research found the repulsive man behind the whole underground fair operation. Mr. Eduardo Benifico Sanchez. A more disturbed individual you will never meet, let me tell you now.
His photo is below.
Eduardo Benefico Sanchez. The man behind the horror.
I was able to interview the man briefly. He gave me his evil Cheshire Cat grin and denied everything. But I refused to stop there. Below is a picture of a sign I found taped to the window of Mr. Sanchez’s office at the fair grounds.
Disgusting, I know. It seems that Mr. Sanchez’s operation runs into more than just animal mistreatment.
Found this on Mr. Sanchez's office door
More questions revealed that Mr. Sanchez’s operation travels with much of the rides and equipment to states all around the country.
I immediately reported the man to the local authorities. They assure me that the will be looked into. Then I walked out of the building and saw Mr. Sanchez entering the rear of the police station from a black limousine. The Sheriff greeted him at the door with a laugh and a shake of his cash-filled hand and I realized that the man will not be easily brought to justice.
I leave this up to you, dear reader, spread the word. This man will be at YOUR state fair next.
Update 9/8 It gets worse. At the Minnesota State Fair Mr Sanchez has a live canine genitalia removal exhibit.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
Asparagus Pee Funtime
Now on to one of my wife’s least favorite subjects, the smell your pee makes when you eat asparagus. It irritates her whenever I bring it up, (which is every time we eat asparagus) and she has a series of responses:
“So do you go out of your way to smell your pee every time you go?” or “No it doesn’t.” or “Why don’t you go smell some pee then?” or simply “Shut up.”
Of course, this only encourages me. So I did some research. Evidently the medical community is aflame with debates over this subject. Doctors are throttling each other at medical conferences. Nurses are taking endless samples of asparagus pee for study. You can specialize in asparagus pee research in medical school now and make a six figure income.
For years, the prevailing belief was that the smell was cause by a compound called methanethiol, a dash of chemicals found commonly in rotten eggs and cabbage. For years Doctors would send patients away in droves with that answer.
Then in 1975 they believed that they were in fact wrong. Hundreds of thousands of patients had been decieved and went to their graves believing a fallacy. Doctors discovered that the smell actually came from several different chemicals, mainly S-methyl thioacrylate and S-methyl 3-(methylthio)thiopropionate.
The news was stunning. Congressional hearings were held on the subject, lawsuits were brought on in the dozens. Some doctors even went to jail. Thousands of taxpayer dollars were spent on apology letters to patients explaining the truth behind the asparagus pee smell.
Then a curve ball was thrown when other studies came out saying that it was methanethiol after all. Scientists on both sides of the argument debated the subject endlessly. This was a time known widely in the scientific community as Asparaggeddon.
To add to the debate many people denied the existence of the asparagus pee smell because, theirs did not stink. Thus the old addage, “He’s so vain, he thinks his pee don’t stink.” These people were joined on the battlefield by the people that believed that they had never in their lives farted.
Then in 1980 a revolutionary study came out that said that the reason that some people’s pee did not get asparagussed, was that they lacked the ability to smell it at all. That’s right, they were genetic mutants born without the ability to smell asparagus pee. You may be one of them. If your are, I am watching you.
In fact I think my wife is one of the mutated. I wonder how many of my children are affected. Only time will tell. I am still on the fence as to whose side I will choose. But believe me when Asparaggeddon 2 comes, I will be ready.
Choose your side. The evidence is widely available.
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_383.html
http://www.discovery.com/area/skinnyon/skinnyon970115/skinny1.html
http://www.scq.ubc.ca/asparagus-stinky-pee-and-scientific-curiosity/
There is even a new religion where the belief in something called asparagusic acid is prevalent. I am sure that details will be forthcoming in that area.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/food/story/0,,1576765,00.html
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 11 so far )
