My Toilet Paper Rant

Most of us don’t think too much about toilet paper. Often because of what we use it for, people see it as a crude thing to talk about. But it is something that impacts our daily lives. And there are some unfortunate developments lately that need to be addressed.

One of my favorite writers, Mr. Orson Scott Card wrote an in depth article several years ago detailing the common issues with toilet paper several years ago. I have never felt the need to add to his fantastic work in this article.

Until now.

I have been a Charmin guy for years. Their two-ply big rolls were all I ever bought. They were soft enough that your booty hole was unharmed and tough enough that your finger rarely punched through.

But recently Charmin decided that keeping people’s butts clean wasn’t enough. They needed to clog as many toilets as possible. They like tripled the thickness of their toilet paper and now call it Charmin Ultra. They don’t even make the regular Charmin anymore.

It’s like they were watching their own commercials and said to themselves, “You know what? This is false advertizing.”

“We need to triple the thickness of our toilet paper if we really want to be able to say a bear could wipe his booty with this. I mean think about it. The bear has claws. With our regular toilet paper he would pierce right through. And with all that hair, he would get one heck of a pile of dingleberries.”

Well, sorry Charmin. I don’t have the butt of a bear. My fingers aren’t tipped with claws. My butt hole was doing just fine, thank you very much. Did you get bought out by a plunger making company or something?

The new Charmin is so thick, it is hard to tell when you are clean. So you end up using more. And since the size of the roll is the same, there is less useable paper on the roll.

Their new slogan should go. “Charmin. Like wipping your butt with a pillow. Now try to flush that pillow.”

So I stopped buying Charmin. What is left? Scott brand?

“Scott Toilet Paper: For cheap people who hate their butt holes.”

No thanks. I’ll get my fill of Scott brand next time I have to take a dump at a gas station. I didn’t know enough about the other brands to waste my money on them and try them all out. Fortunately our good pal Orson Scott Card came up with another option in a recent article.

Cottonelle works pretty good. It has a similar strength and softness as the original charmin. And it is cheaper than the old Charmin. So unbluckle em boys and let loose. There is a new toilet paper in town!

If you have any of that crappy (pun) toilet paper left, just feed it to your cat. After all, cats love toilet paper.