Shame on you, Sir . . . or Ma’am.  Or Sirs or Ma’ams, whomever you are. Whenever we seem to have a good thing going here, someone has to come along and ruin it for the rest of us.

Case in point, returns at Walmart.

place of pain

Oh how I pine for the old days.

When my wife and I first got married, it was common knowledge that if you had something that needed returning, you could take it to Walmart and get your money back. It didn’t matter if you had a receipt. Walmart laughed at receipts back then. If you handed the customer service lady (almost always balding for some reason) your carefully kept receipt, they would smirk and roll up some tobacco in it and smoke it right in front of you. That’s how much they cared about receipts.

It didn’t matter where you got the items, as long as Walmart sold it, they would scan it in and give you money for it. In fact, after we got back from our honeymoon, we took 75% of our wedding presents down to the nearest Walmart and traded them in for what we really needed. Grocery money. Most of the stuff was accepted back with a quick scan and a toothless smile (face it, most of your wedding gifts came from there anyway.)

rear view of balding toothless employee

{editor’s note:} If you are a family member reading this and thinking, “Hey, does this mean they returned that present we gave them?” (Probably one of the ten can openers we got,) Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t your gift that we returned. It was someone elses I am pretty sure.

Boy how things have changed since then. I don’t know if one of you guys returned like 500 DVD’s you bought on ebay for 5 bucks a piece, or if you (you know who you are you freaking turdball) took one bite out of every food item in your cart before returning it, but Walmart decided that they were tired of being screwed and decided to screw the customer back by changing their policy to make thing smuch harder to return.

The result?

As part of our yearly Post-Christmas money crunch. today I went to Walmart with a stack of DVD’s that we decided to return. They were gifts we gave to each other mostly with a few old unopened purchases mixed in. (Why on earth did we buy that two-disk collector’s edition of Glitter anyway?) They were all DVD’s bought from Walmart at some time or other and I was completely confident that they would have no problem taking them back.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

The lady (Again, balding. I have no idea why.) looked at me like I was wearing a suit made entirely of discarded human toenail clippings glued together by chinese child slave labor. (Purchaseable at Walmart for $11.95. see )

“Um, are you returning all of those?”


“Do you have a receipt?”

“For some of them. Here it is. Sorry I don’t have any tobacco for you to roll up in it.”



“Well, I’ll have to get my manager for that many.”

I waited for ten minutes for a manager to arrive. Finally a lady did show up. Evidently she wasn’t balding enough because she said, “I can’t okay this. This isn’t even my department.” Ten minutes later assistant supervisor shows up and says she has to get her supervisor. Finally the (balding again) manager shows up and says that he’s not supposed to take DVD’s back without a receipt.

I took me another ten minutes to get him to give in. He finally took everything back but two of them and I expect that he only did it because by this time the line at the returns desk was snaking out of the store into the parking lot.

So finally I was able to get my money (In the form of a Walmart Gift card) and purchase the items we needed at the store. Then the lady at the checkout stand (not balding this time. It must be the heavy amounts of lead in the paint used in the returns department or something.) got after me about the two DVD’s that they hadn’t taken back. WHy? She wanted my receipt for them.

So to the individuals that screwed up Walmart returns for the rest of us, I submit a resounding SCREW YOU!

This also goes for the fans that stopped watching MST3K and to the the Fox executives that cancelled Firefly.

Thanks a lot.