Is there anything more cool and relaxing than cucumber?

Istead of my usual looks at History, I am taking a revolutionary step forward and looking into the future. The future of beverages.

That’s right, beverages. In the future we will no longer be saying such a banal word as “drink”. No, every form of liquid refreshment will be referred to as a beverage. Uh, except soup. That will still be called soup. Except for cold fruity soups or consommes. I think we can still qualify those as beverages. Especially if you drink it from a mug.

Even a soup if consumed properly can be a beverage.

In fact many foods that we consider solid foods will be beverages in the future. Coca Cola has already started an experiment in Japan with pureed salad blended so fine that they sell it as a beverage. It’s called Water Salad.

I'll take a hot spinach and bacon Water Salad to go, please.

They are available in Caesar, Cobb, Chicken, Tuna, Tomato, and Fruit (Bleu Cheese and Greek will soon follow I hear). These delicious beverages have been a hit over there and will soon be sold at Walmarts everywhere. In fact all-liquid diets will become the rage as Coke releases this new liquifying technology to the rest of the world. (Start buying stock now, folks.)

Doesn’t your jaw get tired chewing a steak? I know mine does. Soon you will be able to have a nice warm liquid steak you can warm up in the microwave. And if you want a juicy steak that will melt in your mouth, it will also be available as steak popsicles.
Mmmmmm . . . . meaty

I know by now that you have heard of the latest craze among dictatorships started by Korea’s Kim Jong Il.

A beverage genius.

This is the one where they immerse their enemies in a tub of warm water until they get all pruny, then cut off their toes and serve them to them in an alcoholic girly drink. Messy, right? Not for long.

You see the good news is that in the future, there will be factories where human toes are grown and harvested to bring this peculiar and adventuresome beverage to the public.

Mmmmm . . . Toes

On a sad note, the world’s second favorite beverage will become scarce as a new cow disease hits the dairy world hard. Affecting ony the cows udders, this shriveling disease will cut world milk production in half. The result will be a large rise in goats milk beverages. Goats milk shakes and chocolate goats milk will be huge hits.

Hear that? Goats milk futures on the rise.

This will also hasten the rebirth of the very first beverage. You heard me. This is something that has been a long time coming. The problem has always been logistics. How do you produce this beverage in quantities large enough for the demand while still keeping costs down enough to make it affordable? I have long wracked my brains trying to figure out how to do this. Well the answer is simple. You import it.

My idea was Stolen

That’s right the mother of all beverages, breast milk will be imported in vast quantities in the future nearly edging goat’s milk in the marketplace. It is more nutritious and has the immune system building blocks that will make mankind less prone to disease.

How is this possible you may ask? Well as you can see from the photo above, it has already begun in Asia. You see, it’s my fault. I was at lunch one day with my wife, running my mouth about the prospects of finding a way to mass produce breastmilk for the marketplace and I was overheard by this man.

Yeah, this dreamy guy stole my idea ladies

That’s right, Michael “The Idea Thief” Buble overheard me talking and had the financial capital to tackle the problem head on. You see, over the next several weeks he noticed women breastfeeding their babies at his live concerts and thought, “Hey they can do that anywhere”. He then hired some female engineers to come up with a more comfortable breast pump that women could wear while doing every day jobs.

He must have found the right women for the job because they did it. The complex pumps are worn under the bra and the milk is collected and kept cool in a backpack that the woman wears while she works.

Phot of the Buble's Breastmilk(tm) brand backpack

What will happen in the future is that these will be mass produced and available to lactating women for purchase at Buble’s Breastmilk(tm) centers all over the world. These women will be able to wear the pumps to work or while doing chores around the house. Then they return the collected milk to the centers at the end of the day. It is weighed and they receive a modest paycheck at the end of the month. The pay may not be a lot but the effort these ladies have to put out to get it will be minimal. They will call it Milk Money.

Does it sound a little too far fetched to you? When you call your phone company and get a female customer service rep in India, listen for the hum of that pump. The future starts now.

Drink up me hearties.

Lohan it up

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