Hide them now

It’s time to face it. Your toes are ugly. You know it. Your toes know it. They don’t want to be seen any more than you want them seen. Well, here is a shocker. No one else wants to see them either. Especially this guy.

I think he threw up a little

Toes are inherently gross. They are like deformed fingers that only grew so long, then got lazy and twisted. They serve no use. They are too weak for digging, too short for grabbing. Just try to grab things with your toes, you’ll get a cramp.

You can’t write with your toes, type with your toes, scratch your nose with your toes. You can’t do anything with your toes that you can’t aready do with your fingers better really. Why even bother with them? They get stubbed, smashed, and broken. Toenails get ripped off and grow in funny or fungussy.

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t Google toe pictures.

Yeah, he saw your feet.

Truth be told, you would be better off without them. So how could you get rid of your toes? You could become enemies with Kim Jong Il, or dissolve them with acid or smash them off with a hammer, or-

Mm Mmm, that's nasty.

Right, right. Anything I could come up with just sounds too painful. Wait you could . . . nope, that’s no good. Hmm, I guess the only reasonable alternative is to hide them.

I know what you are thinking. I took awhile getting around to it. But this is important. If you really want to change a persons perceptions about toes, first you’ve got to indoctrinate. Indoctrinate, indoctrinate. Then you can convince people to keep their little nasties hidden. It is a proven fact. For instance it took Satan forever to get Adam and Eve to cover their butts. Aren’t we glad that little tradition got started? Hmm?

You got it, pardner

So now that we agree you should hide your toes, what is the best way to go about it? You could always sit on your feet, but how could you walk? I’m still waiting for someone to invent Toe Burkhas. I guess it’s time to state the obvious.



Not quite what I was thinking.

It needs little guillotines

That just shows them off. The makeup doesn’t help either.

not quite

Still poking out there, aren’t ya? That bent one is looking at me.


It’s fine but not exactly stylish. Now you have Ninja Turtle toes. Maybe sandals aren’t the way to go.

Oooh, aggressive.

A little angry, but other than that you’re fine. Oh, I get it, this is a threat to kick me. Please don’t.

I've created a monster

Okay Frankenstein. I am sure there is a happy medium but at least you are getting the idea. The point is keep those ugly little toes of yours covered up.


There you go. Good job. Just find some outfit to go with it. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go take some Advil. All of these toe pictures have given me a headache.