Ohhhhh Baby

Recently it has come to my attention that there are a group of people out there that abstain from using any condiments on their food. I don’t know the reason why, but the only thing that makes sense to me is that they are in some kind of new religion. Some religion that has added a new commandment.

It probably goes something like:
#11 Thou shalt not put the ketchup on thy burger, neither the mustard on thy hot dog. Thy tuna shall be dry and free of any mayo, nor shalt though put the barbecue sauce on thy ribs.

Ugh. Not a religion I could get into, I’ll tell you that. Unless the religion was just against British condiments. Not so big on the Mint Sauce and Marmite myself.


As I type this, I am eating a salami and cheese sandwich slathered with mayo and yellow mustard. You know the reason this is good is the mayo and mustard. You could substitute almost any bread, meat, or cheese and as long as it had the mayo and yellow mustard, it would still be just as good.

Because I am so passionate about the subject of condiments, It is probably wise that I stick with one today. So I will begin with one of my favorites:


Now the video above made one big mistake. Hellmann’s Mayo is not the good stuff. In my humble opinion, you can tell whether the mayo in front of you is going to be good or gross by the color. The best mayo is bright white. It gets cheaper and grosser the yellower it gets.

That's nice

See how brightly white the mayo is on that cracker? Then see this.


It’s enough to make you hurl, ain’t it? Don’t let yourself be fooled. If it says real Mayo, make sure it isn’t yellow. Never buy mayo in a colored or covered bottle.

I know this because as a mayonnaise connoisseur, I have bought and tried many different brands of Mayo over the years. The best one I have found for reasonable prices is Kraft Real Mayonnaise.

The good stuff.

The worst looking mayo I have ever seen is below. I could never bring myself to try it. But this guy recommends it over that beautiful white mayonnaise..

Now try to knock that disgusting image out of your head. I know it’s hard but I’m not quite done talking about delicious creamy mayo yet, so I need you to man up. I know, let’s cleanse your mental palate with this. Envision a cool tall glass of pink lemonade.


Now add a dollop of mayo and mix it all up!! Hah hah, just kidding. Sorry I couldn’t resist. Forget what I said, just keep that pure lemonade in your mind for a moment . . . . Feel better? Ok moving on.

Being from the south, there is one tradition in my family that no one else I have met does. In fact everyone grimaces at the idea until they try it. We put mayo in our mashed potatoes.


My mom tells the story about how when she first got married she wanted so badly to impress my grandmother. My dad’s mom was a fantastic cook and liked to do everything by herself. So when my mom pleaded with grandma to let her help with dinner, grandma said “Okay you can do the mashed potatoes.” Imagine my grandma’s shock when my mom slopped a heaping helping of mayo in the taters. She ordered her out of the kitchen. My mom was devastated. She still hasn’t gotten over the humiliation to this day. She’s probably weeping about it right now. I should call her . . . .

Anyway so try mayo in your mashed taters. It is good. As kids we used to spread a thin layer of mayo on saltines. We’d dip pieces of turkey in it too. Tuna salad was a big hit. Gee I hadn’t realized until just now how much mayo I ate as a kid. How many tubs of mayo have I eaten in my lifetime?


Sheesh, this article has turned kind of sad all of the sudden. Don’t know what to do about that. Oh well, I’m off to drown my sorrow in some mashed taters. Let me leave you with this.

The Gaki No Tsukai Mayonnaise tasting game.
They taste some Mayo blindfolded, then have to figure out which brand they had been given out of 12 varieties. If they are wrong, they get a beating.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Update: I neglected to mention Miraclewhip.

Eww, miracle whip

So, salad dressing VS mayo. First of all, who would spread miracle whip all over their salad?


Thank you.