Ahh Jello. Doesn’t that make you want to sit down with Bill Cosby and some Coolwhip?

Today’s very serious topic is the Evil Jell-O conspiracy.

In 1845 an unscrupulous anti-cow scientist named Peter Cooper patented a formula for making geletin out of geese bones. He soon traded the formula to would be dictator Pearle B. Waite and his wife Eva for an unknown number of avian animal parts.

The couple created a concoction of Gelatin and fruit flavors combined with mind controlling drugs and began distributing it under the name Jell-O. The dessert was weakly flavored, but effective. Thousands upon thousands of mindless drones bought and slurped the product eagerly.

Jello 1923

But before the Waite’s power became absolute, one knight in shining armor, a man named Francis Woodward, rode the couple down on his white charger and forced them at the tip of his sword to sell him the patent for a measley $450.00. At first things were calm. But the public clamored for this strange substance. It seems that the addictive qualities of this Jell-O, perhaps obtained from the succulent bones of the silverback goose, had caused a dessert lust outbreak.

Then out of the blue, Mr. Woodward’s Genesee Pure Food Company began selling it in amounts unequaled before. It is still unknown whether Mr. Woodward was corrupted by the sheer power contained in the substance or if he was blackmailed into doing so.

In 1904 Genesee Pure Food Company hired and sent out countless legions of Jell-o cookbook salesmen set upon addicting the entire country. These purveyors of geletanic insanity have become known to historians as The Strawberry Flood.

Jello 1923

By the 30’s America was firmly caught in the grip of this fruity confection. But there were dissidents as well. People were angry about the mixing of fruit into an animal based product. Protesters began roaming the streets shouting down the abuse of fruit. These “Fruities” as they were called gathered a large following and became a concern for the renamed Jell-O Company.

To combat the movement the company came out with Jell-O Instant Chocolate pudding in 1936. This intoxicating combination was simply too powerful for the dissidents and they soon faded into obscurity.

That seemed to be the final nail in America’s coffin. The country was set firmly under the heel of the Jell-O conglomerate. They had influence in every branch of the government. They made sure that their desserts were served at White House functions and in the cafeteria of Congress. Their next step was WORLD DOMINATION.

Success was inevitable. By the 60s they were in nearly every corner of the globe. Even Red China was under their spell. Here is a 1960’s instructional video telling the Chinese how to eat it. (This particular video was quickly removed from circulation after they found out that pissing off the Chinese retarded their sales in the area.)

People I am here today to warn you that you have been deceived. The Jell-O company has been allowed to corrupt this land for far too long. Think about it. What have they done to our culture? They taught us that men shouldn’t speak to their wives:

They have also teamed up with space aliens! Look closely and you will see Droppo from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!!

Think people. The drug craze of the 60’s was all part of their designs of the free thinking youth of their time.

If that doesn’t snap you out of your apathy, maybe this will. Watch the most painful Jello Commercial ever. *With more Carol Channing!! Oh and the cast of Hogan’s heroes.*

There. I can see the fog clearing from your eyes. Now is the time to drop the big bomb folks. Now I know that many of you believed that Jell-o was still being made from the nutritious bones of geese, but that is no longer true. Over the years it has changed.

I know what you are thinking. It is now made of cow bones. Hah! You are wrong again. Your delicious dessert is now only 27% bones! The rest comes from cow and pig hides.


And now I’ll leave you with the most humble performer of all time, Mr. Peter Lemongello. Let his supple voice drive you to revolt against the Jell-o conspirators. Viva la revolution! (Ignore the Pistachio pudding in my bowl)