Archive for March, 2008


Programming note and Twisted Disney

Well folks. Things are hectic here on the Edgewriter Family Ranch. I am sorry that it has been longer between posts than normal. This will change I assure you.

Programming note: Short Stories

Last week I wrote a short story and posted it on the blog here. I had fun writing it too. It wasn’t my normal writing style. I am more of a Fantasy/Action guy. But it was fun.

So I’m giving you folks a heads up. Most likely I will be posting short stories more often on this site. They will be custom written for the site by me. Most likely they will be more of my regular flavor than this last one.

For those of you that don’t know, I have written an 800 page fantasy novel that I am currently working on splitting into two books. It is part of a series called The Bowl of Souls. Iwish I could post excerpts from it here, but I have been informed by people far wiser than myself that publishing even a small portion of it on my blog will make it harder for me to get a publisher to buy my book.

So I have decided to settle for writing original short stories that involve characters from my book that happen on the periphery of the story. I will post those here and hopefully that will give you guys a feel for what my story is about. Also when I do finally find a publisher for the book, you could pick it up and know a little bit more about what is going on in the world.

At any rate, this is an exciting prospect for me. Hopefully I don’t lose too much of my readership doing this. I will still continue with posts about movies and MST3K and whatever other vagaries pop into my fevered mind, so don’t leave because of this. You will just see short stories more often. Hopefully you will enjoy them.

Movies:

Growing up, my siblings and I watched a lot of Disney movies. Now that I have four kids of my own, I am once again watching a lot of Disney movies. And you know, even though I have a fondness for these movies there is such a thing as Daddy overload.

So the other day I ran across some videos and they had me laughing out loud. Here are trailers for Disney films if they had been filmed in some evil alternate universe.

(Note: If some of these videos don’t work for you, I have no idea why. They work on Youtube. So if the video clip won’t play, just click on link below each video to see them.)

The Incredibles:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdW_GxefIU4&feature=related

Scary Mary:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic

Toy Story:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuNF7Z7sAt8&feature=related

Bedknobs and Broomsticks:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YrX8ExtRUQ

The Lion King:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbBNqNaZVc8&feature=related

Pete’s Dragon:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR1Yypm9GiM&feature=related

Willy Wonka:
(Yes I know this isn’t Disney. Besides this may actually be the original trailer for all I know.)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1lWF-_Lpic&feature=related

And on an opposite note, here is a Romantic Comedy Trailer for Silence of The Lambs:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCxF6idjqnk&feature=related

If you come across any more, feel free to post them in comments and I will add them to the article.

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Shoelaces . . . a short story

Shoelaces

Pops didn’t talk much.

At least not to me. Not in the beginning anyway. Not until he was in the hospital. And then the things he said taught me something. I wasn’t expecting that from him.

I grew up in a small town in southern Idaho. A hick town you might say. Dad worked at the paper. He made decent money at it. For our town anyway. At any rate we didn’t seem to want for much. There was always dinner on the table and if we worked hard, (and didn’t get in trouble) mom would pass out some spending money on Fridays.

Me and my brother, maybe a couple other boys would bike across the neighborhood and head to the corner store. It was mostly downhill the whole way there so it was fun to coast along, our spending money burning a hole in our pockets. It was a pain biking home, though. We’d end up pushing our bikes the last half of the trip.

Pops owned the corner store. We didn’t know his real name. Everyone called him Pops. Even the old timers. His store was a relic of its time.

It looked like it had once been one of those stores you’d see in the 50’s movies, but updated to 80’s standards. Wooden floors. Wooden paneled walls. A long wooden bar with stools that had perhaps once been used for serving sodas and milkshakes now held an electric hot dog turner, Icee machine, and a nacho cheese dispenser. In the middle of the store were wire racks containing the sundries that you expect to find in any modern convenience store.

There were other hints of what the store had once been. In the back, there was a table with an ancient chess set ready for people to play. Sometimes a couple old timers would be sitting there playing, but usually the table was vacant. Then at the front counter was an old time pickle barrel. Big sour dills. Pops made them himself and sold them for 50 cents each.

But none of those things were what drew us to the place. Pops had installed two old arcade games in the back. Pac-Man and Space Invaders. Sure those machines ate up our quarters pretty quick, but we didn’t care. Our four or five bucks would last us maybe an hour if there were more than two of us. Whatever change we had left over, we would spend on penny candies. Gummy bears, gummy sours, or Jolly Ranchers. Stuff like that.

Before we left, Pops always had the same routine. He would always ask us if our parents needed anything. (They never did of course. Mom got her shopping done at the grocery store.) Then he would ask us if we wanted any shoelaces.

Right beside the cash register Pops had a shoelace rack. It was one of those four sided jobs that sat on a lazy susan so you could turn it to look at everything. Not that anyone did. It was shoelaces for cripes sake. We never understood his fascination with them.

Pops would stand there in his faded coveralls and collared shirt and say, “Now boys, I see you coming in here every week and you piddle your money away on candies and games. But look at your shoes. A boy needs good sturdy laces on his shoes.”

We would say, “No thanks, Pops.” and roll our eyes as we left the place.

Once I asked him how much the laces were. Those were high dollar shoelaces. Three, four bucks for a pair! Why would a kid want to waste that kind of money on shoelaces? Besides, if we needed something like that, we would just go to mom.

Well, this went on almost every weekend for years while I was growing up. Over that time, I grew fond of Pops. We all did.

Then one day he got sick and ended up in the hospital. It was weird going down to the corner store that weekend and seeing a closed sign on the door. Pops never closed the store during the day unless it was a holiday or something.

The whole town heard about it. One day at church they had all of us kids draw get-well cards for Pops. My dad and I were asked to deliver them.

When we got down to the hospital I wasn’t prepared for the way Pops would look. The man had always stood behind that counter like a weathered boulder. Unyielding. Eternal. But in that hospital bed with IV fluids hooked up, he just looked like a pale old man. His skin clung to his face wrinkled and paper thin.

My dad chatted with him for awhile while I stood quietly beside him. I didn’t know what to say.

Pops told us that he had a bad case of pneumonia. He had been fighting it for days and going to work anyway. But he had collapsed trying to climb the stairs that lead to the apartment he lived in above the store and had finally called the doctor.

I handed Pops the cards that the kids at church had made and he seemed genuinely touched. He then caught my hand and talked directly to me.

“Boy I have something I want to give you.” He wheezed as he spoke. “Bring me my jacket, would you?”

I grabbed the gray jacket that was draped over the chair near the door and brought it to him. He reached into the inside pocket with the hand free of IVs. He pulled something out and pressed it into my hand.

“You have never listened to me boy.”

I looked into my hand to see a pair of those four dollar shoelaces.

“I always keep a pair on me for luck, but I don’t think I’ll need them where I’m going.”

“The doctor says that you are doing a lot better or he wouldn’t have let us see you,” Dad said, but I was still confused.

“Why shoelaces, Pops?”

“Shoelaces saved my life once.” Pops looked me straight in the eyes as he spoke. “When I got out of school I tried to make my living as a salesman. My first big job was selling cook books and knick knacks. I traveled to all the towns in southeast Idaho, selling that crap and I was pretty good at it too. The key was to hit the houses in the middle of the day when the husbands weren’t home and the wives was getting bored.

But one day I was driving over the Tetons hoping to try my luck on the other side and my car just done broke down. I decided to hike down and see if I could get a tow and I got lost. I was stuck in the wild for a week till they found me.”

“A week?”

“I know it sounds funny to you nowadays but in the 50’s it wasn’t so easy to find your way around. I never was much into scouts or nothing anyway. So when I got lost, I was stuck in a bad way. All I had on me was a candy bar, my pocket knife, and some of the knick knacks I sold that I kept in a briefcase.

Wasn’t much good in there either. Some spices and whatnot that the housewives liked. And shoelaces. I had three or four pair. Good strong ones. Not the crap they put on kid’s sneakers these days. Them laces kept me alive. It’s true.

I used them to make some animal traps and to tie my stuff together. And since they were good, strong laces, I was able to use them over and over again. Once I found a stream and had the water I needed, I did just fine thanks to those laces. I was able to trap squirrels and birds to eat. I had my eye on a rabbit when I heard the sheriff yelling over the ridge.”

Pops became something of a folk hero to my friends and I after that. He got better and ran that corner store for another ten years. All the boys made sure to buy some of his shoe laces. We made him tell us stories about that time he got lost whenever we stopped by his store. He had a lot of other good stories too.

A few months ago I drove back through my old town. Pops’ corner store is gone. There is a Shell station there now. It’s sad how things change. I still think about Pops from time to time and the lesson he taught me.

I don’t go hiking off into the wilderness unprepared for one thing. And I always make sure that I have good shoelaces. Good strong ones.

Beowulf!!!! Rifftrax!!

Beowulf

Okay, so I am one of the guys that rarely gets to go to the theater. I end up watching movies on DVD. So the reality is that most of you have probably watched this film already and I won’t be telling you anything you don’t know. But just in case: SPOILERS BEWARE and all that stuff.

I wanted to see Beowulf in the theater but Mrs Edge wasn’t keen on the idea. So once I found out that Rifftrax was doing Beowulf it was my excuse to watch it. I wanted to watch the movie unriffed the first time. So here is my review of the film on it’s own.

Angelina Jolie in Beowulf

I knew of the story of Beowulf. I never read the old english ballad. But I had gathered from various sources throughout the years what the story was. But the film was very much different from the story I was expecting.

From what I knew, there is a monster named Grendel that is terrorizing a viking kingdom. The king sends for a hero and Beowulf comes. Beowulf is like one of the original superheroes. He is like the viking version of Hercules or Sinbad the Sailor. He is stronger and faster than a normal human being.

Beowulf fights an epic battle with Grendel and kills the monster by ripping its arm off. He then tracks down and kills Grendel’s mother by beheading her. He becomes a king in his older years. He then fights a climactic battle with a dragon and kills the creature even though taking fatal wounds. He dies the greatest viking hero ever.

But the movie has a very different take on the Beowulf legend.

The following trailer gives a much better picture of the way this movie takes the story.

In this version Beowulf is a very flawed man. He isn’t an altruistic sort. He’s not there to save the kingdom really. He doesn’t seem to care much about others. (In the fight with Grendel, he calmly watches his own men die while figuring out the monster’s weakness.) He fights for glory. He knows that if he kills Grendel, his story will grow. He wants bards to sing of him. He wants women to flock to him. He wants to be known as a hero like the heros of viking lore.

In fact, at the beginning, you begin to wonder if he is anything more than a braggart. He obviously exaggerates when telling tales about himself. His men comment on it. It isn’t until the battle with Grendel is won, that you know he is indeed almost as good as he thinks he is.

We also learn of Beowulf’s weaknesses,

1. We have already talked about. His thirst for acclaim.
2. Women.

From the moment he arrives in the kingdom, you can see he has eyes on the queen. He seems entranced by her. He never makes any moves, but you can tell that he wants to. When recounting his story about how he lost a swimming match with Breca, he tells the crowd that the reason he lost was he was seized by a sea serpent. But from his memories, we see that he was instead seduced by a mermaid.

It ends up that this was his biggest weakness because when Grendel’s mother decides to seduce him, he shows us just how weak he really is.

Beowulf in Grendel's cave

This is where I feel that the movie takes the tale of Beowulf and improves upon it. Previously the tale of Beowulf doesn’t really explain why Grendel haunts the mead hall or why the dragon attacks Beuwulf’s kingdom later in his life.

In this film, we are shown that Grendel is actually the son of King Hrothgar and the Demon. This explains his deformed half-human looks and how he is tortured by the merry making of humans. He can not be part of that world and his only company is his evil twisted mother. Hrothgar wants Grendel dead to rid him of his guilt over having been seduced by a demon.

When Beowulf confront’s Grendel’s demon mother intending to kill her, he does not know that the King was Grendel’s father. In a big departure from the original tale, he is seduced by the demon’s promise of glory and power (and Angelina Jolie’s hot bod). Instead of killing her, he gives her the means of taking revenge in the form of another son.

Beowulf still

When he returns to the mead hall with Grendel’s head, he boasts of killing the “hag”. The king gets him in private and tells him that they both know she isn’t a hag. Beowulf doesn’t admit that she is not dead, but the king knows. The king then leaves his entire kingdom to Beowulf and throw’s himself into the sea. It isn’t until that point that Beowulf realizes what he has done.

Thus later in life when the Dragon attacks we know that this dragon is in fact Beowulf’s own son. Over the years, Beowulf has matured into the man that he had always boasted that he was, but he is also haunted by the knowledge of the sins of his youth. So when his son comes to terrorize his kingdom, Beowulf decides to put aside his selfishness and give his life for those he loves. In the end, he becomes a true hero.

It is quite a fantastic story. I enjoyed the film just as much for the story as for the action which is something I was not expecting to do. Now the violence was too bloody and the near nudity too near nude for a PG-13 film. The final twist at the end was a little too ambiguous for my tastes. But all in all, I thought it was a good movie. I don’t know how many family or friends I could show it to, but there you have it.

Now for the Rifftrax version:

Rifftrax Beowulf

I have long contended that listening to the Rifftrax of a movie you like can be far more enjoyable than listening to the Rifftrax of something you hate. This one once again proves my point.

Here is mike Nelson’s description of the Beowulf Rifftrax:

“For years we at RiffTrax have lived under the mistaken belief that we are Beowulf. So we were shocked when a cartoon version of Ray Winstone squeezed into a tiny pair of leather battle panties (LBPs) and set us straight in no uncertain terms. And he’s right – HE. IS. BEOWULF!! Though it took some getting used to the idea that we are not Beowulf, in all honesty it’s been a whole lot more pleasant to come into the office and see pants where one once saw nothing but a sea of LBPs.

But if you haven’t yet exceeded your limit, may we suggest you download our hilarious new RiffTrax for Beowulf in which a fully clothed Mike, Kevin and Bill take on our less than clothed hero, his extremely unclothed lizardy paramour (played with big boobs gusto by Digi-lina Jolie), and a disappointingly unclothed Anthony Hopkins.

IT! IS! FUNNY!!!”

As you can see, they enjoy making fun of Beowulf’s boastfullness. They also enjoy making fun of Grendel.

Crispin Glover Grendel

Here are some sample quotes regarding Grendel:

When he first appears, Bill says, “Hey look, Crispin Glover. Yep, self inflicted head wound, that’s Crispin Glover all right.”

When he is fighting the vikings in the hall, Bill says, “Man, this is worse than the time we got attacked by that thing my dog threw up.”

Later, when Grendel’s mom tells him that men have destroyed many of our kind, Bill says, “our kind being giant pieces of poo.”

They also get good digs in regarding everyone’s disturbing lack of clothing, the crazy camera angles, and anything to do with John Malkovich.

This is definitely one of my favorite Rifftrax so far. Download it and enjoy the heck out of this film.

If you look at the world today and see all the reckless irresponsibility, you can pin it all down on one thing. There is just not enough spanking going on.

Spanking Douglass

Kids today often go about with the idea that there are no reprecussions for their actions. They are taught at a young age that the worst they will get for their wrong doings is a good talking to.

As they get older the parents move from time outs to groundings, but it doesn’t take a willful teen long to realize that if they ignore their grounding the worst that they will get is a talking to. And if they ignore additional groundings and/or talking to’s the parent has lost all control of their child. Once a parent has no control over their child, the child has no reason to listen to anything they say.

Belt for spanking

Now when I am talking about spanking I refer to punishment delivered by repeated strikes to the buttocks (Or booty if you prefer). Most often these would be delivered by the open hand, though sometimes a belt or switch could be used.

In days of old, teachers, pastors(shudder), neighbors, or any upstanding adult could deliver a spanking to an unruly child. And when the child complained to their parent, they would just be told “You got what you deserved.”

Spanking paddle

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating a return to those days. I wouldn’t particularly like it if my kid’s teachers spanked them. There is too much opportunity for dicipline to become abuse. I agree that the physical discipline of children should be left to the parents. But these days parents are looked down upon with derision or even horror for spanking their kids. In fact, there are constantly bills being presented to government to outlaw spanking.

There was a day when if you were at the store and your kid threw a fit, you took them over your knee and spanked them right in the aisle. Now if a kid throws a fit you have to put up with it, maybe lean in and threaten them with future harm so quietly that no one else hears you. Because if you did spank that child, there might be three or four empty-headed busybodies on their cell phones calling child protective services. At the least you would get looks of scorn or derision, or pure hatred.

Hillary scowl for spanking

As a result of this atmosphere, here is the typical situation you run into at your local Walmart:

Child: “Waaaaaah I want cookie! Waaaaaaah!”

Empty-headed mom: “Now you know you are on a gluten free diet.”

Child: *Sprawls on the aisle floor kicking his feet* “Waaaaahhhhh! Cookie now!!!”

Empty-headed mom: “Please junior stop.”

Child: *knocks food off of shelf onto the floor* “No!! I want cookie!!! Stupid mom!!”

Empty-headed mom: “But junior-”

Child: “Stupid mom! Stupid Mom! I hate you! Give me cookie!!!!”

Empty-headed mom:
“Now that’s not polite.”

Empty-headed busybody #1: “Oh, I would be happy to buy this boy a cookie if you can’t afford it.”

Empty-headed busybody #2: “You know I read a good book on parenting . . .”

Me: “Spank the kid!”

Double Spanking

We have all seen this scene or one similar to some degree or worse. Why does this happen? First the kid does not respect their parent. At home, the Mom can put the child in time out or turn the TV off for a few hours. In the store, she is utterly defenseless and does not know how to handle the situation. So the kid steamrolls her and the onlookers stupidly try to step in and end her torment.

This child never learned discipline. He never learned that his behavior had consequences. His parents thought that if they just showed him enough love, that they would have his respect. Well children enjoy being shown love, but they also enjoy getting what they want.

What happens to kids that grow up without discipline?

Paris Hilton Needs a Spanking

Don’t let this be your kid.

Now you might be wondering how Edgewriter disciplines his kids. You might even picture me as a howling red-faced child-beating demon. But that is far from the case. My spankings are delivered hand to booty. Some times bare booty some times not, depending on the severity of the offense.

I have four kids and one is far too small (And cute) for such things. I have found that with their different personalities, some respond to spankings, some don’t.

My oldest will be like, “*Sigh* OK” and turn over meekly for her spanking. But she freaks out if sent to her room. So spankings don’t work for her. The boys however take spankings very seriously. If a spanking is threatened, they shape up quick. So the end result is that I rarely have to spank my kids.

Levar loves Spankings

Our trips to Walmart go like this:

Child: “I want a cookie.”

Me: “Not today.”

Child: “Awwww. Please?”

Me: “Nope”

Child: *Sigh*

So in the spirit of discipline, I have come up with a list of people that should have received more spankings. As a spanking advocate, I would also suggest that a nice public spanking would be a good learning tool even at their current ages. I will also suggest the proper instrument with which to administer the spanking. All are bare booty spankings unless otherwise noted.

1. Paris Hilton – With bare open hand delivered by her father (It’s been a long time coming.) In the center of Madison Square Garden before a crowd of thousands.

2. Crispin Glover – With belt delivered by Steven Spielberg on the set of the David Letterman show.

3. Brad Pitt – With cricket bat delivered by Jennifer Aniston on the set of Oprah.

Spanking with Cricket bat

4. Bill Clinton – With yard stick delivered by Hillary Clinton at live press conference. (She would win the presidency if that happened.)

5. Hillary Clinton – With bare hand delivered by Bill Clinton on covered booty to save the public from seeing Hillary’s wrinkled old booty. On Today show.

6. Nicole Richie – With bare hand delivered by Lionel Richie on his newest album cover.

7. Tom Cruise – With lightning bolts delivered by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard in front of Will Smith for good measure.

8. Jimmy Swaggart – Delivered by the hand of God at judgment day before the heavenly hosts.

Swaggart after spanking

If you guys think of any more, list them in the comments section. If we get enough, maybe I will start a new page just for this.

I know it has been a few days since the last post and I apologize. It has been a hectic few days. Therefore I think a Junk Drawer Cleanout is in order.

Junk drawer emptied

Okay stop the presses. I don’t have a clue how I missed this before, but it is right up my alley and one of the funniest things ever. If you don’t get it you don’t have kids.

Utah Jazz:

Inonsistancy, thy name is Jazz.

Jazz New Team Photo

The Jazz went 2-2 on their road trip this week. They lost the two games that should have been the easiest while winning the two games that were the hardest.

1. We lost the first game to Chicago. We had fresh legs and Chicago is not a very good team this year. They have a losing record and most likely won’t even make the playoffs in the east. We let them get an early lead and waited until the end to try to win it. Unfortunately by that time, they had the confidence they needed to put us away.

2. We beat the Milwaukee Bucks. This was the second night of a back-to-back and the Bucks are a better team than Chicago this year. I guess that we were ticked off about losing the night before though, because we came out strong and put them away in the fourth quarter after they tried to make a comeback.

3. We beat Boston. This was supposed to be the toughest game on the trip. The Celtics have the best record in the league and they had only lost 5 games at home all year. But this is the game our guys were geared up for and we blasted the Celtics for their worst loss of the year. Man was I on a high after this game.
Deron beats Celtics

4. But the high was short lived because we lost to the Nets by one basket the next night. Now this was the fourth game in 5 nights so it was understandable that our energy let down a bit in the fourth, but this is a Net’s team that has a losing record in the east and lost their hall of fame point guard via trade just a month ago.
Utah looses to Nets

So why the distress? This is the tightest playoff contest the western conference has ever seen. Only five games seperate First place from 8th place. We are sitting currently in the fourth spot because we are winning our division but the two teams below us in the ranking actually have a better record than us.

If the playoffs started today, we would face the Spurs who we haven’t beat on the road in like ten years and they would have home court advantage in the first round. THat would be bad. Our guys need to step it up and win home court advantage in that first round if we want to advance anywhere in the playoffs this year.

The sad thing is that I think our team would be a title contender if not for our inconsistant road play. This season we have the best overall team we have had since the last time the Jazz went to the NBA finals. We can beat any team in the NBA quite handily on any given night. We almost never lose at home, (Only three losses at home this season.) but we have a bad road record. (16-21)

Rifftrax:

This last month has been a bit slow for Rifftrax. They put out a bunch of shorts and did some political ad parodies (You can see some of them on my site Here and Here). But a full Rifftrax has been missing.

(BTW the shorts that they have been releasing on Rifftrax.com for .99 cents each are absolutely hilarous. Best money you will spend.)

Well tomorrow the first new Rifftrax in a month will be released.

Beowulf Rifftrax

I saw Beowulf for the first time last week and boy did I have mixed feelings about that flick. I will put a full review of both the movie and the Rifftrax of the movie later this week.

MISC:

NEVER GET AN ADJUSTIBLE RATE MORTGAGE.

Just a heads up.

If I could I would rip that ARM off and hang it over my mantle as a trophy just like Beowulf did to Grendel.

MSTK:

Giant Gila Monster single disk

With it being a slow Rifftrax month I have been watching a lot of the old MST3K episodes again and here are two quick reviews for you.

First of all in an odd kind of situation, Rhino put out it’s last set of MST3K episodes (Volume 10) before the rights to the show switched to a new label (Shoutfactory). In a screw up, they included the classic episode Godzilla VS Megalon. Unfortunately, they did not have the rights to release that movie, so they put out a replacement disk. It is one of my favorite all time episodes, The Giant Gila Monster.

The great thing is that you can order it individually for a limited time for like 8.00. Just click on the link above if you are interested. (I don’t get any money if you do, this is just sharing something cool.) Once they sell out, it will be gone. Who knows when or if that episode will ever be released on DVD again.

The Giant Gila Monster

Man this is one of the best Joel episodes. One of my favorite bits is that they notice that the director always told the actors to put put their legs up on things while they talk to make it look more casual. So whenever one of the characters enter a room, Joel and the bots are guessing when they will put their leg up. This has me laughing every time.

Gila Monster Knee up

One of my favorite scenes is when a Cop and a kid come across an abandoned suitcase on the side of the road left by a hitch hiker that the gila monster ate and Joel says, “Why a smart feller could put a leg up on something like that.”

Last night I watched one I hadn’t seen before called The Starfighters

MSTK Starfighters

This one is a Mike episode and I found it hilarious all the way through. This film was made in conjunction with the US Airforce using tons of real fighter plane footage from peace time. (I’m guessing this was done as sort of a movie length commercial for the Air Force.) It is a story about some new pilots going through training to learn how to fly the “Starfighter”. It’s kind of like Top Gun but there are no enemy planes to shoot at.

Evidently this episode is famous for the looong refueling sequences as seen in the beginning of the video below: (If the following videos aren’t working for you just refresh and click the center of them to go directly to the Youtube video. I don’t know why the link doesn’t work some times.)

Did you notice the 60’s era elevator music? Well it goes on whenever they are flying.

Later in a host segment, Tom and Crow recreate the refueling sequence while crow is on hold with customer service trying go get connected to the internet. (This segment is as shocking as it is funny.) I almost died laughing. It is at the beginning of the video below:

Overall this is one of the best Mike episodes. As lame and uneventful as the film is, the riffing is top notch. I will leave you with the “United Servo Academy Men’s Chorus Hymn”. What I love about this is that Kevin Murphy sang all the parts himself. He is so talented. This is brilliant:

Televangelists

Some folks just have it. Call it charisma if you will. These folks can go places. They often become polititians, actors, or musicians.

These people can be good or bad. Most of them probably start out good. The thing is that people with charisma soon learn that they can use that charisma to make money. Money can easily corrupt people. That is often what turns a charismatic person with the best of intentions to corruption.

This is seen all the time in politics. Some go into politics for power in the first place, but many others go into it with the desire to to good only to be taken down years later with scandal. Such behavior among politicians is well documented and expounded upon on countless sites so I won’t go on about it here.

Jimmy

The thing is that many charismatic people also go into the ministry. This is one place that people should be able to withstand corruption. It’s teaching about God for goodness sake. They are standing in front of people that need comfort, people looking for direction. But what do some of them do to these people? While one hand pat’s their shoulder (or slaps their forehead), the other steals their wallet.

There are the small timers, like the guys that travel the Navajo indian reservations setting up revival tents and taking the old Navajo ladies’ turquoise jewelry. Then there are the big leaguers. The folks with enormous preaching shows with the lazer lights and the big bands. They take the money of thousands in return for empty platitudes. Televalgelists are the worst of the bunch.

I have yet to see a televagelist that didn’t make me squirm. They aren’t men or women of God. They are con artists. And horrible ones at that. Take TBN for instance. Everything about them is opulent and money hungry. The biggest thing that should tip you off about these criminals is the pink haired mother of the crypt keeper. That bewigged clown lady should scare every person looking for God away.

The Evil Crouches
Clown Lady

Here are some tips for knowing if someone is honestly trying to preach the word of God or just take your money:

1. Is there an entrance fee to their house of worship?

2. Check out their appearance. Do they look like humble servants of God or are they dressed in finery? Do they have multiple rings on their fingers? Jewelry? Tons of Makeup?

3. When passing the collection plate around, do they pressure you for more? Do they tell you how much to pay? Do they tell you where this money is going?

4. Do some research about them. How much of this money goes to charity and the Lord’s work? How much do they keep for themselves? Is it a comfortable living or do they live in a mansion? Did Jesus have a mansion built for his teaching?

I understand that a full time minister needs to be able to live, but is it God’s way for his sevants to become wealthy off of the money of the poor? Most of these people are snakes in preacher clothing. It’s people like this that make the rest of the world think Christians are crazy.

In my opinion these scum of the earth deserve to be brought down a bit. So I must admit that I love those Farting Preacher videos. What these people do is despicable. So why don’t you laugh at them with me? It may make you feel better.

This is the first one I ever saw. It is still hilarious.

Kungfu Farting Preacher.

Screaming Farting Preacher. This guy is so Evil. When the lady says she doesn’t feel anything, he calls her a liar. Holy crap.

Mrs. Farting preacher 1

Mrs. Farting Preacher 2

Preacher Potpourri 1

Preacher Potpourri 2

Evil televangelists Exposed:

Peter Popoff

Kenneth Copeland


And Finally Here Is A Preacher That Gets It:

Mixed Nuts: The Peanut Conspiracy

No, I’m not talking about the men’s locker room at The Olympics.
I’m not talking about the mediocre 1994 Steve Martin comedy of the same name.
I’m talking about this:

Crap! Who spilled my nuts?

I know, I know. it looks like an innocent photograph, but if you look closer you will notice that there are very few beans in the mix. In truth, if you ordered that can of Mixed nuts, there would be at least 50% beans (legumes). That’s right there would be at least 50% of those fiendish little poisonous time bombs that we all call “peanuts” thrown in with the good stuff.

Peanuts are beans

Today we will examine the history of the Peanut Conspiracy and how it touches our daily lives today. Prepare to be frightened people, because this is some scary stuff.

This all began in the 1800s when some racist European Colonists started selling these beans to the the Africans in the hopes that many of them would die from peanut allergies. Their little plan actually did kill many people, but with medical technology as primitive as it was back then, no one knew the cause.

These “peanuts” were brought over to the US and became a popular crop in the south. Again many people died not only from allergies, but from exposure to toxins in peanuts that were not properly stored.

The evil side of George Washington Carver

The possible danger of these “peanuts” was discovered by the inventor George Washington Carver who as we all know ate babies. Mr. Carver hated human life and wanted to destroy it in as insidious a manner as possible. So he distributed a list of recipes using peanuts and created 100 products from peanuts in an attempt to poison as many people as possible in as many ways as he could.

Mr Carver learned of a company called Planter’s Peanuts in Pennsylvania and during one of his trips to that part of the country, he stopped in and spoke to the president of the company, Mr. Amedeo Obici. Exactly how the conversation went is not known, but soon therafter Planters put out their first batch of “mixed nuts”.

Mixed nuts indeed

Now the place where I hypothesize Mr. Carver’s evil genius comes in is in the ratio of peanut to true nut. In those early batches of “mixed nuts” one would be lucky to find 5% true nuts. It was a special prize if you found a brazil nut in there. A kid that got a Macadamia nut was once elected class president at his high school. His campaign was “Vote Barney. He’s a lucky nut.”

This went on for over half a century. Mixed nuts were completely unregulated. In 1974 one congressman grew particularly perturbed when his lung collapsed after a bad peanut allergy attack. He demanded an investigation into peanut companies. Consumer reports did their own study and found that cans of mixed nuts at the time contained an average of 75% peanuts and often just had two or three varieties of nuts.

On March 15th 1977 the FDA came out with a new standard of identity for mixed nuts. From then on for a can to be labeled “mixed nuts” it had to contain at least four varieties on nuts and be at least 85% full. The label also had to state what percentage of the mixed nuts were peanuts.

This ad was produced as a result. “Special nuts indeed”:

Today that FDA standard still exists. George Washington Carvers wish for the extermination of human kind never did come to pass, but you must still beware of the peanut and Mixed Nuts in general. Even if you buy a can of nuts that claims to be “peanut free” be careful. These nuts are often packaged in the same factory as the peanuts and get a liberal sprinkling of peanut dust.

As a side note, Planters Peanuts is still out there implementing their dastardly plans. They have ramped up their adverising efforts in recent years in an attempt to kill even more people.

Here is an ad designed to appeal to crazy people.

And in their latest ad, Planters tries to seduce the ugly chick demographic.

Dirty Dancing With Cancer: Swayzefest

Patrick Swayze Cancer Patient?

So as most of you know, the news came across the wire yesterday that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. Now the tabloids *cough Enquirer* said he had weeks to live and that he was basically on his deathbed. Despite the suspect nature of the reports, pancreatic cancer is a scary thing. Very few people survive. Most die in months and less than 5% live longer than five years.

The good new is that this morning Swayze’s doctor released a statement saying that he only had a small amount of cancer and that his prognosis is relatively good. He is receiving treatment and continues to work on his projects.

So today I have put together a Patrick Swayze Mini tribute.

Patrick Swayze Dancer Extrordanaire

First let me say that even though I have never been a huge Swayze fan, I have always thought that he was an above average male lead in the movies. Even though he can’t seem to be able to keep his shirt on like some other actors *cough, McConnaughey*, I respect the guy.

Let us start with some Rifftrax’ed clips of Swayze’s 80’s cheesefest, Roadhouse:

MST3K’s Patrick Swayze Christmas:

Saturday night live Swayzefest:

And we’ll end with what gave Swayze his start. Dirty Dancing and this music video:

Junky Drawers

Once again my mind is filled with many small things that by themselves are perhaps unworthy of a stand-alone post. But together they make one heck of a mess and that sounds just about right for one of my articles. So let’s get started shall we?

First of all, there has been some confusion about my last article which was about a boy talking to his pet frog who is trying to escape. I apologize for the confusion. And I know that the frog in the video was freaky. Can you imagine walking across your lawn at night and hearing that sound come from near your feet in the darkness? Again I apologize.

Mitchell and Webb

While reading the Rifftrax Blog the other day I came across a youtube video posted by our good pal Bill Corbett. It perfectly illustrates the frustration of a screenwriter pitching his work to hollywood.

It made me laugh several times and I had to seek out more information about the comedians in the sketch. They are called Mitchell and Webb and are big hits in the UK but are relatively unknown in the US.

Their current show “that Mitchell and Webb look” airs on BBC America on the weekends so you can check it out. Here are a few more sample clips to whet your whistle. (Mild expletive warning!)

Nazi officers realizing that they are the bad guys:

A Mr B Natural story gone bad.

Naming a dry cleaners:

Child with a BOOTY for a face:

They are also PC and Mac guys for the UK commercials.

Rifftrax:

Rifftrax Matrix Reloaded

I finally got around to watching the Rifftrax of Matrix Reloaded the other night with Mrs. Edge. We both enjoyed it immensely. They ripped appart the massively stupid sex/rave scene that took up half of the film for one. They also accurately picked the moment in the film where the Matrix franchise jumped the proverbial shark.

Oh and for you insiders, bacon jokes are scattered throughout along with the obligatory Schnappi reference.

The original Matrix Rifftrax is the one that started it all for me and the second one is even better.

Also, the Riffers have taken on some new political ads. Here are a couple of my favorites:

There are more on my previous political post.

Completely 100% not not true:

In my previous article on the history of Asparagus Pee I left out one interesting factoid.

Island of Bhuti

On the island of Bhuti in the Indian Ocean, the Palahunga tribe makes many of varieties of distinctive dyes. These dyes are made from the various plant and insect species native to the island and are highly sought over by yarn manufacturers for their brilliant colors.

The most sought after of these dyes is called Bhutipee #5. It is a gorgeous deep purple hue and sells for over 150 dollars per ounce. (Which, being highly concentrated can actually dye 10 skeins of high quality alpaca yarn.) These skeins of yarn can sell for $50-100 each. (No, Mrs. Edge! Put the credit card down and back away slowly . . .)

Bhutipee Alpaca yarn

What is very interesting is that the beautiful purple hue of this yarn comes from a mixture composed from the musk glands of a beetle native to the island (The Bhuti Beetle) and asparagus pee.

How did such a thing come to pass?

Asparagus was brought to the islands in the 1700’s by british explorers coming out of India. The lush climate on the island was perfect for the growth of Asparagus and the vegetable flourished. It grew so well there in fact that it became seen by the inhabitants as a weed. Still there were some of the tribe that enjoyed the flavor of this new vegetable.

As the story goes, one day a dyemaker’s son was stepped on a bhuti beetle and the stink of the beetle clung to him. In order to get rid of the musk from a bhuti beetle, the traditional method is to pee on it. Something in the urine counteracts the smell. Evidently this time when the boy peed on it, his foot turned purple. He screamed and though he had contracted some horrible skin disease, but over time they realized that it was something else. His foot had become dyed purple.

Bhutipee purple dye

Now being a tribe of dye makers, it occured to them to find out where this beautiful purple came from. The musk of a bhuti beetle is quite colorless normally and they had never seen this result before. It took the quite a while to realize that the reason his foot had turned purple was because he had eaten large quantities of asparagus before stepping on the beetle and even though his urine was yellow and the beetle musk was colorless, a chemical reaction in the musk turned the urine that delightful purple color.

Utah Jazz:

Kyle Korver Girlfriend sighting:

Leave Kyle Korver Alone!

I have been asked to leave Deformio alone by this lady above. She wouldn’t say, but I am almost sure it is Kyle Korver’s girlfriend. I know that some of you have told me that this is a guy, but anyone with that voice is 100% woman.

On a side note, Deformio has come out of his shooting slump in the last couple games and has been ripping the nets for the Jazz. It was in large part thanks to him that we beat Dallas and Detroit recently.

Go Deformio!

Frog

Are you sure you want to do this? Truly?

Well before you do, there are some things you may want to consider. What about our friendship? What about the many years we spent lollygagging around? The eating contests. The diving competitions. What about those?

Remember that time we went to the fair and you fell? It was scary wasn’t it? Did you think you would die? I caught you that time, but will I be there next time you fall off the ferris wheel? Think about that.

Green frog

If you do what you are thinking about doing it might be over between us. No more jumping hopping or skipping together. No more trips to the museum.

What about that?

Do you really want to go to the museum alone. All those people walking around looking at old stuff without me there with you. That old lady with the gigantic purse. What does she have in that purse anyway? She could probably keep four Monopoly sets in there.

She probably has Simpsons Monopoly, Star Wars Monopoly, Nascar Monopoly, and the 30th aniversary edition Monopoly in there. Do you seriously want to go to the museum without me there to point that out?

Frog school

There might be large families at the museum. Two parents with six kids. The mom might be carrying the baby carelessly with one arm while chasing a three year old away from the dinosaur bones. The oldest teen might be texting her boyfriend while the second oldest teases her relentlessy about it.

All the while the dad looks tired and foot-sore. You can tell that he doesn’t want to be there. The mom probably dragged him away from watching football for this. He half-heartedly tries to keep the kids in line, but by the way he keeps checking his watch you know he has plans elsewhere.

But if you do what you are planning, I won’t be there to stop you from tripping the seven year old that stuck his gum on the marble statue of President Washington. What would happen then? would the tired dad notice? Would the mother look at you with horror in her eyes? How long would the seven year old lay on the floor in shock before rolling over and looking at you with accusing eyes? Do you want that on your concience?

DO YOU?

If you do as you are planning there will be no more jumping on my trampoline. That’s right, I won’t bounce you higher. I know you think you are a great jumper and all, but let me tell you a secret. All those times that you thought you had jumped a new record, I totally gave you that bounce.

No more checker tournaments. No more badmitton. No more rock skipping at the lake.

And next Thanksgiving I’m totally not eating your pie for you.

That’s right.

Grandma Edna will keep scooting the plate closer to you, but I wont take the piece while she isn’t looking. I love pecan pie but I can get my own piece. Granny’s eyes will look at you with a questioning gaze. Her eyebrows will raise in concern, crinkling her forehead. She will ask you why you aren’t eating that slice of pie. The pie that Gransy made with her own withered hands.

She picked those pecans out at the store. She made that pie crust with her own recipe. She toasted the pecans. She poured the sugar. She hummed those old 40’s dance tunes while she worked. The whole time it was cooking, she thought about how much you loved her pie. She knew that you would eat it up, crumbs and all. Then you would thank her and give her a sugary kiss on the cheek.

But not this year. Not if you do as you plan. You know she won’t take the “I am full” excuse either. Do you want to break her poor old heart?

Frog in water

So stop and think about what you are doing. Judy won’t call anymore after this. Billy won’t play ball with you. Remember Elisabeth, that shy girl who kissed your firehead at the picnic and left that red smear of lipstick? She won’t do that again. Not after this

I won’t be there to comfort you either. Sure you might enjoy the solitude for a while. Maybe for a short time you might relish the thought that no one will tease you anymore. But when that brief moment has passed and you start missing us, it will be too late. You won’t get us back. Not again.

Last time you tried this we forgave you. I took you to the mall with me the very next day. Sure you almost got thrown out, but that was good times. That security guard chased us, but we were too fast for him. He must have been like eighty pounds overweight. He might be fast enough to catch that old lady we saw sneaking that candy bar into her purse, but not us. All he could do was clutch his side and bend over, breathing heavily while talking into his walkie talkie. No one saw us go out the side door of the JC Pennys.

Who knows what would have happened if he had caught you. Would you be banned from the mall? Would he have called your parents. By the look of that guy he might even have eaten you. You escaped that time with my help. But not again.

But all that’s in the past. Your plans will make sure we don’t have that kind of fun again. So let me ask you one last time,

Are you sure you want to do this?

sad frog