Category: Comics


You’ve already weighed in on the question of whether Red Sonja or X-Men is better for the environment. But, now I’m exploring more pressing issues: Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

First, a disclosure: Batman can’t really stomach environmentally irresponsible food products and rarely drinks anything made without distilled water. But he isn’t too keen on the taste of your typical eco-friendly soy products, so consider him a neutral arbiter when it’s concluded that soy is the somewhat more eco-conscious choice.

Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he's very different.

Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he's very different.

That said, it’s not easy to compare the two crime fighters: Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he’s very different.
Starting with the basics, on his utility belt, Batman carries the “Goo Gun” which is a handheld foam projector that fires an adhesive-like substance to incapacitate his opponents.
The toxic foam has to be added in several risky stages to the gun, and the pressure required for injection is tremendous. Unfortunately, there is nothing at all eco-responsible about this utility. Most foam needs to be made by mixing a number of toxic chemicals and adding a “gassing” agent that forms bubbles which makes the substance cellular.
It’s obvious that the goo gun used by The Caped Crusader is not the same goo gun you might buy at a military surplus store. These chemicals used for Gotham’s Greatest’s utility belt to create the gooy substance for his goo gun feature are highly corrosive, toxic and flammable. Each storage tank would need to be monitored under strict tolerances and would be deadly if released full strength into the environment.

The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned.

The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned.

As a source of heroism, the Daredevil and Batman are both the brand standard and completely unrivaled. Running the gamut of crime-fighting heroes however, The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned. Matt Murdock has battled many eco -sensitive cases throughout his distinguished career. Although he used to be more of a swashbuckler, the focus of his after-hours work has evolved into more of a ninja-type style. He honors control of self which counterbalances his feelings of anger and torment.

he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.

he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.

Because of this unique style, the lighthearted, wisecracking hero requires an enormous amount of energy, but sadly because of the amount of converted energy used, and the remarkably poor quality of his diet of greasy pizza and left over chicken wings, he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.
In comparison, The Dark Knight’s diet is much more energy-efficient than the Daredevil’s, since you get more efficient energy from green plantains, Permian sea shrimp. a dollop of hummus and organic parsley soup.

it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain's henchman.

it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain's henchman.

According to research by Gotham University scientist Derek Parnel, it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain’s henchman. Pulling a rug from beneath their feet might require a little less than 10 calories of energy. Under the most optimistic assumptions and also by procuring a slight improvement in their crime-fighting systems a hero could cut down their energy use by at least 25 percent.

digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter's bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it's followed by a liter of diet cola.

digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter's bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it's followed by a liter of diet cola.

By comparison, data suggests that it takes about 0.26 calories of energy just to make a fist with the intent to distribute the force upon a bad guy-which is the usual method of castigation by super heroes. The methods used to evade capture, bodily injury, and counterblows account for about 35 percent of those calories used during a fracas. So, let’s say you’ll need to put 483.73 calories of energy into each hero every 10 – 20 minutes under normal working conditions. “That’s just not possible,” says Parnel. This data makes the Batman approximately 1.3 times more energy-efficient than the Daredevil under a best-case scenario.
As an example, we will mention that digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter’s bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it’s followed by a liter of diet cola.

As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader's diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent's (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes.

As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader's diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent's (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes.

Of course, as we’ve already discussed, The Worlds Greatest Detective doesn’t drink diet cola, or any sugary liquids at all for that matter. He also avoids eating anything requiring eggs that are not from free-rage poultry. However, the process of avoiding these non-eco-friendly products requires energy and produces a significant amount angst which wastes even more energy.
As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader’s diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent’s (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes. And as Batman may not want to make mention of, producing distilled water takes quite a bit of electricity.

It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.

It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.

A Chili-cheese dogs with a splash of hot sauce is included in about two-thirds of all America’s Super Heroes weekly diets. Indeed, pork products in general offer an interesting case study into how a processed food’s makeup effects the ability to fight crime. Despite animal-rights advocates’ love of free range and organic products, hotdogs aren’t exactly the antagonists of the environmental movement. It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.
Although the vast majority of Super Heroes are genetically modified; their ridiculous diets may be irrelevant, but that fact certainly hasn’t made them popular among many green activists.

In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible.

In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible.

In South America, farmers responding to the massive global demand for Super Heroes-fueled in large part by China’s new Super Villains produced by Wal-Mart-have been accused of doing lasting damage to the Amazon rainforest by building massive fortifications against those that would want to do harm.
But because Super-villains are, on the whole, an eco-conscious bunch, the ruckus they cause making crimes tends to be made in a more eco-friendly way.
In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible. “Super-villain’s aren’t perfect, but we are trying to make a difference in our own way,” says Dr. Jonathan Crane (A.K.A. The Scarecrow).
The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation’s largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.
But, generally speaking, the fact that its members are environmentally savvy probably makes for a greener planet.

The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation's largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.

The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation's largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.

Nonetheless, Super-villain’s have their environmental downsides, too. A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally. He’s probably going to have to do something about the amount of planet-life that can not survive in sub-zero temperatures before the green community will embrace his cold style of diplomacy.

A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally.

A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally.

At the end of the day, the Dark Knight probably has a much bigger environmental impact than Daredevil, but it’s worth keeping in mind: Environmentally, it hurts to scrap with the world’s most horrifying threats.
Is there an environmental quandary that’s been keeping you up at night? Comment to this blog.

Maria Rodger was reaching into the washing machine when she felt something move.

Glen Simmons-Staves Associated Press

2 hours, 26 minutes ago

   

  

 

A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine.

A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine.

 

 

GOTHAM, Mass – A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine. The man, identified as George Thumb, a distant relative of Tom Thumb, somehow got into the water pipes wearing miniature scuba gear and ended up in Maria Rodger’s 2002 front-loading Kenmore washing machine. 

After Mrs. Rodger took her blue jeans out of the machine Wednesday, she reached back into the load and felt something move.

“I jumped back and all of sudden this little man in tiny scuba gear starts climbing out of the washing machine, it really freaked me out!” Rodger told WMTW-TV.

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn’t want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.   

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn't want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn't want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.

 
 

Once out of the machine, the angry little man wrapped himself around Burgess’s finger, in a choke hold cutting off the blood flow. Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham. 

 

Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham.

Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham.

 

 

 

 

That’s where Julie Leonardo, a midget rehabilitator who works at the National Midget Foundation, identified the small man as George Thumb, great, great grandson of Thomas Thumb (the famous miniature man mentioned in the Guiness Book of World Records. Miniature men typically prey on small rodents, fish and large insects, but are not man killers, she said.

 

Leonardo and Gotham’s Midget Control officer planned to find the angry man a home at a little person’s refuge.

But how the man ended up in the washing machine remains a mystery—he talks just too high to understand what he’s saying.  Burgess guessed he was searching for lost wedding rings in the water pipes and that he somehow made a wrong turn and couldn’t find his way back.  Somehow he ended up in the washing machine and probably got there during the rinse cycle, she said.

In the meantime, Mrs. Rodger said she’s a little paranoid of little people now.

“Now that he’s gone, I’m going to be checking crevices and corners,” She said. “I’m going to be looking in the tub first — before and after, maybe even during, the rinse cycle.”

JDC5: The Awakening

Ok, folks. Time for a Junk Drawer Cleanout!!

Junkedy junk

My new short story is in the works. But for now all I can tell you is that it is Bowl of Souls related and that it will concern one of the mysterious characters peripheral to the story. Those of you that have read the book will recognize this character right away.

Family:

Two items of note.

1. We have a stupid cat

Yukie Wet

Our black and white cat Yukie has recently decided that she wants to climb to the top of our chimney . . . . from the inside.

I first discovered this when my daughter brought in our black and white cat looking completely black. She was covered in soot. At the time I thought that she had just been laying around in the fireplace, but then it happened again. Mrs. Edge was the one that figured out that the stupid cat could see light in the chimney from inside the fireplace. She was trying to climb up and out.

This morning Mrs. Edge was sitting there when the cat fell out of the chimney. Needless to say, Yukie has gotten a lot of baths lately. Doesn’t she look embarrassed?

Wet cat 2

#2. My baby is still cuter.

I have told you again and again. I even made you a challenge. But for those of you that still don’t believe here is even more evidence. My baby is cuter.

baby dollar

Her hair has been wild and wispy lately. She has never lost the thick hair she was born with, though it has lightened some. So we decided to try and curl it to see what would happen.

Happy baby dollar with curlers

She actually seemed to enjoy having the curlers in her hair, which I thought was weird.

Baby with curlers

At any rate, when we took the curlers out, her hair looked like Gene Wilder’s on a windy day. So we ended up wetting it down and combing it out. But even with crazy Gene Wilder hair, she was cuter.

Regarding WordPress:

In the middle of writing this article last night, WordPress bogged down big time. When I finally got it up and working everything had changed on me. The interface for writing and my dashboard and everything is completely different.

It also screwed with the pictures I had uploaded. So I had to wait until this morning to publish this. It actually looks like an improvement over the old interface though. I’ll just have to get used to it.

The Utah Jazz:

Jazz/Spurs

What a fantastic game last night. The Jazz gave the Spurs a beat down. The first half looked a bit hairy, but the Jazz hung in there despite shooting a crappy 37%. Boozer hit a big shot at the buzzer to give us a 2 point lead going into the half.

Memo Looking graceful as usual.

Then in the second half, we caught on fire, both offensively and defensively. We held the spurs to their lowest point total in franchise history and won 90-64.

Boozer and Deron played great, but the two real heroes in the game were Memo and AK. Memo had 17 point sand 16 Rebounds while AK had 10 points, 6 assists, 5 rebounds, 3 steals and a blocked shot. AK was truly everywhere. If only he can keep that up, we could win the championship this year.

There are only 5 games left in the season before the playoffs start. We only need to win one more to clinch a playoff spot. All 5 games are against tough teams.

Spurs watching from the bench where they belong.

Rifftrax:

The new Rifftrax was just announced. They are riffing Spiderman 3 with guest riffer James Lileks.

Spiderman 3 Rifftrax

I am not too familliar with James Lileks. His website is HERE and evidently his blog is a hit. Also he has a radio show in Minnesota. All I know is the the guys at Rifftrax say he is hilarious and that is good enough for me.

As far as Spiderman 3 goes, I have to admit that I haven’t seen it yet. I own the movie, but have never watched it. I liked Spiderman one and Spiderman 2 was really good, so I am looking forward to watching it both riffed and unriffed.

I will do a Spiderman post as part of my Superhero Movies series some time next week and tell you how it went.

In the meantime, here is a clip from the Rifftrax of Beowulf.

Oh, and before you go, you must have some Bacon.

Vodpod videos no longer available. from video.acasa.ro posted with vodpod

For all the hate and slander directed at America by the rest of the world, they sure seem to love us.

You know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well here you go. The following are some of the funniest imitations of American pop culture I have ever seen. It’s funny because they don’t know that they are funny.

Indian Thriller: Unfortunately I hear that this man is now whiter than Michael Jackson.

Turkish Trek:

Too bad their Kirk has one of the worst smiles ever and their Spock just can’t pull off a lack of emotion.

Turkish Superman:

Turkish superman hits like a girl.

Indian Superman and Spidergirl? The musical? Bollywood, Baby!

Bollywood can’t keep away from Superman. This Superman needs to lose some weight and get the symbol right though. The lyrics are kind of naughty too.

Let me know in comments if you come across any more and I will post them here.

Superhero Movies III the quickening

Riding Ghosts since 1972

In my third article on Superhero Movies, I’m going to tackle two films that were full of potential and ended up almost being good.

See also Parts one and two in my series where I explain my theory on why so many of these movies miss the mark.

Today we’ll start with Ghostrider

I so wanted to love this movie. The trailers were good. The special effects looked awesome and Nickolas Cage was trying to be different in a positive way. Throughout the film I kept thinking “Hey, this might actually be the Ghostrider Film I wanted to see.” Then it fell on its face.

Things that went wrong:
Casting

The director/writer. I can only blame Mark Stephen Johnson for most of my issues with this film. He was also the director of Daredevil and Elektra if that gives you any hint of his abilities. He wrote this one too, so he was the one that made the decisions that screwed things up.

Eva Mendez.
She was probably this bored with the script too.
Sure she is pleasant to look at. But the girl has no real presence. I understand why the character would do what she did, but Eva just couldn’t pull it off. It is hard to care about her character. Everytime she came on the screen I had to wonder why he still wanted the snotty chick that his childhood sweetheart turned into.

Donal Logue as Johnny’s buddy Mack.
The other Quaid
Looks like a mix between Randy Quaid and Quentin Tarantino doesn’t he? He is supposed to be a comic relief buddy type character, but why was he neccesary? The director seems to like having this kind of unneccesary character and brings in actors that are supposed to be likeable goofy(and generally unfunny) guys for the roles (IE the lawyer buddy in Daredevil). It just messes with the feel of the film and distracts from the main character.

The big dumb scene.
The Ghostrider pulls down a helicopter just to scare the guys.

The frickin’ ending.
I could have put up with the rest of the problems and this would have been on my list of good Superhero Movies, but there was one big glaring “I can’t believe they were this dumb” flaw that ruins the climax of the film.

Spoiler warning.

The cool part

It ends up that Sam Elliott’s character used to be a Ghost Rider himself. Johnny Blaze is heading off to face his final battle against the bad guy. So Sam tells Johnny he has just enough power left in him for one last ride. He’ll go with him to face the big bad. He then flames up and mounts a skeletal flaming horse and they have this awesome ride into the sunset, the two Ghost Riders heading off to face the film’s climax (See the beginning of the vid below for a glimpse of this awesome part of the film.)

Then, they near the place where the bad guy is and Sam tells Johnny good luck and leaves never to return. Johnny goes off to battle the bad guy by himself. I’m like WHAT??? All that build up and . . . fizzle. Did the director just want Johnny to fight the final battle alone? Then why set up this cool confrontation with both Ghost Riders in the first place?

The lame thing is that before Johnny gets to big bad, he has to fight another henchman demon first. The director could have just had Sam say “I’ll take care of this one, boy. You go get Blackheart.” Then while Johnny goes to face the big bad, we could see a cool fight where Sam as old west Ghost Rider takes on the demon.

Anyway, it totally left me pissed and scratching my head for the rest of the show.

Things that went right:
Casting
The casting of Nicholas Cage actually worked really well. I liked his Johnny Blaze.

Sam Elliott was perfect for his role as the caretaker/old rider. Who else goes around looking more like a cowboy than Sam Elliott?
I ain't suckin the poison out.
He brings gravitas to the roll and he and Cage make the good parts of the movie good.

The special effects were great.

The music was fantastic. Especially the Ghost Rider in the Sky theme from the video above. It plays over the ending credits making you wish you liked the rest of the movie better.

The film actually did pretty good in the theater grossing 229 milion worldwide, but the critics panned it. I panned it too and there was a little bit of gold, just not enough to buy the claim.

But there are plans for a sequel.

Hulk

Hulk try to kill Ang lee, but keep missing.

I really wanted to like the Hulk. The marvel folks seemed to be doing everything right. They picked a great director, an awesome cast. I wasn’t familiar with the writers, but I heard that Ang Lee was being given full reign so it had to be good, right? I mean, he did Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon so he knows how to direct action.

Evidently he had different plans. Lee had them rewrite the script several times because it had, “too much cheap action.” To give you a feel for the film, read this segment from Wikipedia:
Eric Bana commented that the shoot was, “Ridiculously serious… a silent set, morbid in a lot of ways.” Lee told him that he was shooting a Greek tragedy: he would be making a “whole other movie” about the Hulk at Industrial Light and Magic.

So, Hulk as a greek tragedy. That would be good, right? Right? Oy veh. The end result was a 2 1/4 hour movie with 1/2 hours of action. Now the action parts were freaking sweet. Hulk looked great and kicked butt. WHen he was on the screen the movie ruled. Jennifer Connely, once extremely hot, is now a stick figurey wisp of her former self. Still, she can act and she did a great job. Sam Elliott, Eric Bana, the rest of the cast was great. If the movie was about Hulk VS the army or one of Hulk’s vast catalog of villains, it would have been pretty good.

That's right, Bruce. I'm your daddy

The problem was bringing in Nick Nolte as Bruce Banner’s dad. He overacts and chews the scenery like crazy. That whole part of the storyline bogged things down. So instead of Hulk fighting something cool, he ends up fighting Hulk dogs including his dad’s Poodle.

But the big killer of the movie for me was the stupid ending where Hulk ends up fighting his dad who has become a giant energy bubble. The military blows up the bubble. Hulk escapes to become a doctor in South America, the end. I’m not making this up, folks.

Well the movie still made over 200 Mil worldwide but there was enough dissapointment out there that Marvel decided to do a sequel with an all new cast and writers and director. The new one is supposed to be coming out June of this year and be called The Incredible Hulk. We shall see if it falls into the same traps as all the other Superhero Movies.

Next time I just may review a couple of the movies that got it right. Time shall tell.

Superhero Movies Part II: The Revenge

Let’s face it, the Superhero Movie Genre has given us very few genuinely good movies and that’s a sad thing. I have seen most of the Comic book based movies and in this series I am breaking them down. Why do they end up stinking so bady. Much of this has to do with my Rifftrax addiction. The result is that I have been watching a lot of them lately.

Rifftrax of Daredevil

First, let me give you a list of the films in the genre that I actually think are good. Now I realize that this is my opinion and it is very subjective, so feel free to comment on why you think I am wrong. (Or more likely right.) I will reply to everyone.

The original Superman
Superman Returns (Borderline)
Tim Burton’s first Batman film
Batman Begins
Spiderman (Borderline)
Spiderman 2 (haven’t seen 3 yet)
Xmen (Very Borderline)
Xmen 2
Hellboy

Maybe one day I will get around to posting the reasons why I think that those films were good in depth, but for now let me just say that they best capture the spirit of the comics they portray and grasped what made them so popular.

The good films also don’t include The Cardinal Sins of Superhero Movie Making:

1. Don’t give any creative control to the original creators of the heroes.
2. Don’t take the characters seriously.
3. Change the characters (Including their powers) and or the storyline.
4. The one big goofy scene. (The one that doesn’t fit the rest of the film and really has to do with #1. But sometimes a movie would be borderline good without the one stupid scene. Example: Daredevil fighting Elektra for no reason in the kiddie park. (see my previous post on the subject here)

Today I will break down two films that partake in all four sins. Appropriately they are titled Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four 2

Fantastic Four One:
Fantastic? Sheesh

First of all let me say that I was never a big fan of the Fantastic Four. I never collected that book. I knew about them because they were a big part of the Marvel Lexicon, but I was not attatched to them. Still, I cant help but be irritated by the lack of respect the characters are given.

One major problem with this film is that it feels like a film that was created by a bunch of executives sitting around a conference table. I can almost hear the meeting in my head . . . . .

Dude with big fat cigar – “Boys, this film won’t fly. The concept is too out of date. A bunch of adult heroes fighting another old guy? Who is going to watch that? This is a comic book movie. It needs to appeal to teenagers and ten year olds.”

Up and coming gay film executive – “I know. It is totally not flashy enough. It needs some sparkle. First of all, none of our heroes can look out of their twenties. Also that Dr. Doom guy. Eww. Too old. Too stodgy. Who identifies with that kind of villian?”

Lone geek resistance – “Wait a minute. That won’t fly with our existing fan base. For instance Ben Grimm can’t be some 20-something. His character is a veteran pilot.”

Up and coming gay film executive – “I hear Michael Chiklis is available . . . .”

Dude with big fat cigar – “Done. This meeting is adjourned.”

So they decide to young-it-up. Unfortunately, this makes the plot ridiculous. Having a young wunderkind scientist is a movie cliche. So lets make a movie with four wunderkinds (including a 30-something Dr Doom) and Michael Chiklis (who will be covered in makeup for most of the movie anyway so it won’t matter.)

Sure Jessica Alba is hot, so I can see why they would be tempted to go there. But why make Reed Richards a 20-something? Mr Fantastic is like a 50’s movie macho scientist that happens to have superpowers, not a geeky young scientist. They even had to give him his trademark gray hair as a plot device so that they wouldn’t have to make him old. (They then make sure he puts just for men on it so that it is barely noticeable.) The only character it fits is Johnny Storm who was always a young hot shot in the comics.

But the characters don’t mesh well, their popularity with the citizens of the city doesn’t even make sense. Here is a Rifftraxed scene that illustrates the point.

Their biggest sin though was to completely change the character of Doctor Doom. Doctor doom was a scientist with a scarred face that wore a mask to cover it. He had no powers. His armor gave him strength and has weaponry built into it. The only thing the movie got right was that he knew Reed Richards and Ben Grimm in college.

Instead they make him a big executive in a corporation who wants to marry Sue storm and foes to space with the Fantastic Four, basically making this the Fantastic Five. They give him powers like being able to shoot electricity from his fingertips and a body made of metal. Thenhe decides to be evil on a whim, leading to the big battle at the end.

Why? Why change the character at all? Does it make the Fantastic Four more youthful if Doctor doom is different? Why change the story? AArgh!

Things that worked:
1. They handled Thing’s subplot pretty well and even though he is missing his trademark jutting jaw, he still looks good.
2. Johnny storm, even though a much bigger prick than in the comics, is pretty spot on.
3. The special effects were pretty good.
4. It wasn’t Catwoman.

Potential 8.5 out of ten. Where did they land? 5

Well, the film still made more money than they spent on it. This just encouraged the boardroom executives I’m afraid. They made a sequel.

Fantastic Four 2:
That's right, the Fantastic Four go number 2

This Film is widely considered better than the first one. I can’t really disagree plot wise. Still, boardroom executives seem to rule the day. In their wake a lot of the movie is badly scarred with stupidity.

Once again they mess with the villain. Galactus is one of the major villains in Marvel Comic history. A huge godlike being that devours the life from worlds to exist. Now he is an amorphous cloud of space debris. How exactly he destroys planets is difficult to discern. I suppose that they could in a later film (*shudders*) pretend like Galactus was somewhere in the middle of that cloud of debris, but why? Again, why change this point?

Also cardinal sin #2 comes into play. The Goofy Reed Richards Dance scene. Never has an actor looked so out of place. Here I will show you the Rifftraxed version of the scene, just because it makes it a little more bearable.

Ugh, have you ever seen a more stupid scene? The special effects are lame, the crowd reaction is unrealistic. It makes Reed Richard look like a 12-year old dork with powers. (Notice that his gray hair is almost nonexistent at this point?)
Reed Richards recommends it

They also make The Thing nothing more than comic relief. Seriously, he does nothing but act gruff and get made fun of. It’s like the board room guys got together and decided that the film sounded too dark. A being is trying to kill everything on the planet.

Solution:
“Lets make Ben Grimm wackier and more hip hop.”
Boardroom reaction?
“Brilliant!”

Things done well:
1. The handling of the Silver Surfer character. They don’t make him prone to wacky dance scenes.
2. The interaction of the characters seems more natural. Maybe The first movie just makes us used to it.
3. They try to fix Dr. Doom. They use the Silver Surfer as a plot device to take away Doom’s stupid metal skin. He finally dons the traditional suit of armor, though he keeps his electric powers.

Potential (after the first one.) 6 out of ten. Where did they land? 5.5

This movie did not do as well at the box office as the first one, but evidently there are still plans for #3

If the next one has a new director and Marvel is given more creative control maybe it will even be half decent. But it don’t look good.

At least it can’t be as bad as the original movie incarnation from 1994

Click here for part three in the series.

Here for part one.

Superhero Movies Part One

Oooh DNAgent!

I was once quite the comic book collector. I have many boxes of bagged and boarded comics locked away in my basement that havent seen the light of day in at least twelve years. So naturally, since the Superhero Movie craze took over hollywood, I have seen just about every single one. Recently since I started getting into Rifftrax I have revisited many of the movies in my collection and those Riffclowns have helped me see them in a different light.

Man, many of those movies are bad. Even worse, most of them are bad in the worst way. They took the comic book fan’s beloved characters and stories and gave them to writers, Directors, and actors that were not comic book fans. In other words:

Suits

The End result? The stories get changed, the characters get goofified, even their powers get changed.

Why? The people making the movie decide that they know better than the comic book reader that is going to be watching the movie and make the movie that they want to make.

So in this column from time to time I will break down what is good and bad about various Superhero films and disperse my wisdom to you, the humble reader. After all, its the least I can do. Maybe one day someone will actually read this. If that happens, maybe someday these words will get shoved down the throats of the guys that made Catwoman. Well, who knows, probably not. Anyway, let us delve into this exercise in futility, shall we?

Let’s start with a film that I watched last night.

Daredevil:

Dare to be . . . mediocre

I’m not Jewish and I don’t speak a word of Yiddish, but Oy Veh, what happenned here?

Let me explain that I am not completely familliar with the Daredevil Comic book. I have only read maybe three or four of them. I mainly saw him guest starring in other comics. When I first saw the movie I thought that it was OK.  It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t memorable either. The director tried for the most part to take the story seriously and that was the main saving grace for the film. After breaking it down a bit more, here is what went wrong.

First of all the casting. I actually didn’t mind most of the decisions made there. Jennifer Garner was an okay choice for Elektra. Collin Farrell as Bullseye was the best choice made in the movie. Michael Clark Duncan as Kingpin was okay only because I can’t thing of another actor big enough to make it work. Joey Pants as the detective on the case was ok. The Disaster was the casting of our titular hero. Ben Affleck.

Benny Boy Why?

Now I get why the producers thought this would work. At the time, he hadn’t made Gigli yet, his stock was still riding high, but the dude is not in the least bit menacing. His acting “skillz” just don’t allow for nuance. Besides, his face looked too chunky in that mask.

Then there is the big stupid scene. Every mediocre Comic Book film has to have one. This one has a goofy fight scene when Electra meets Matt Murdock for the first time. For no reason at all they decide to fight each other in a yard full of scool children, jumping acrobatically off of seesaws and making quips. The director had set a dark and serious tone with the movie even having Daredevil kill some bad guys. Why put a goofy scene so far out of place into the movie? It made no sense. In fact I think it was that scene that ruined the movie for me. There are hundreds of ways they could have done it better.

Here is the Rifftraxed version of the scene to prove my point.

The movie was a flop at the box office and the fans were irritated. They put out an extended director’s cut of the film that makes the movie much better, or at least much darker. I watched that version hoping that they had taken that one big stupid scene out, but they hadn’t. The movie might have been salvageable otherwise. That’s what ticks me off about these types of films.

Daredevil

Don't tell him, though.

Potential, 8.0ut of 10. Theatrical version 5 out of 10. Extended cut 6 out of ten.

Stay tuned for more reviews as I can get to them . . .

Part 2 Here.

Part 3 Here