Category: Completely 100% True


Evil Secrets of the State Fair

I attended the Eastern Idaho State Fair with my family this weekend and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

You see, behind the vendors and rides and animal judging lurks a dark underbelly. There is a man running a foul and evil enterprise on the fair grounds and if you keep a keen eye, you can see it for yourself.

I was oblivious to this fact for the first hour that we were there. Then I followed some shifty eyed men to an unmarked building and was surprised to find this.

Sheep Executioner

Sheep Executioner

That’s right. A sheep executioner. This horrible creature has the job of killing any sheep or goats that refuse to allow themselves to be ogled and fondled and petted by the endless mob of humans that line up at the fair’s gates.

Executioner sheep 2

Executioner sheep 2

Yes, there were more than one. This enterprise is so huge that I saw no less than ten of the filthy beasts in this side area that most people would never even walk by. The one in the next photo is the worst.

The Supreme Champion Sheep executioner

The Supreme Champion Sheep executioner

That’s right, dear readers. This is the Supreme Champion sheep executioner in Idaho. They say that it has killed over a thousand of its fellow sheep and that it drinks nothing but blood and goat’s milk.

The only way for the animals on display at the fair to guarantee that they don’t face these awful beasts, is to win a ribbon. But even sometimes those that do can be forced to endure endless tortures. The sheep pictured below has had a bowling ball tied to its tender parts. There it will hang until the sheep relents and allows itself to be dragged back into the spotlight.

Sheep torture

Sheep torture

There are also a whole breed of goats that are bred for one purpose and one purpose alone. The fights.

Many people from the east are not aware of this, but goat fights are the cock fights of the northwest. Farmers train their goats in gladiatorial combat throughout the year in the hopes that their malicious animal can win a top prize at the state fair’s seedy underground arena, where the prize money is fantastic.

The man behind this madness takes home quite a pretty penny from the gambling that goes on with these fights. I found proof of this business behind the large barn at the edge of the fair. See the photo below.

The place of slaughter

The place of slaughter

While perusing the midway, I also noticed that one of the rides had a sign reading that it was shut down. Yet the workers were still letting people in if their palms were slickened enough with cash. In this house of horrors ride, the entrants are allowed to watch as hooded men and the dreaded sheep executioners slaughter and torture the helpless animals on display at the fair that don’t win a ribbon.

These slaughtered animals are then turned into the burgers, foot-long corn dogs, smoked turkey legs, lamb kabobs, deep-fried goat heads, cow brain omlettes, mutton tacos, horse entrails stew, and deep-fried rocky mountain oysters on-a-stick that are sold by the food vendors scattered throughout the fair grounds.

Here is a picture of two horrified children that just came out of that disgusting slaughter house. They haven’t spoken for days since.

These boy's just left the man's house of horrors

These boy\’s just left the man\’s house of horrors

I then asked around and after some research found the repulsive man behind the whole underground fair operation. Mr. Eduardo Benifico Sanchez. A more disturbed individual you will never meet, let me tell you now.

His photo is below.

Eduardo Benefico Sanchez. The man behind the horror.

Eduardo Benefico Sanchez. The man behind the horror.

I was able to interview the man briefly. He gave me his evil Cheshire Cat grin and denied everything. But I refused to stop there. Below is a picture of a sign I found taped to the window of Mr. Sanchez’s office at the fair grounds.

Disgusting, I know. It seems that Mr. Sanchez’s operation runs into more than just animal mistreatment.

Found this on Mr. Sanchez's office door

Found this on Mr. Sanchez\’s office door

More questions revealed that Mr. Sanchez’s operation travels with much of the rides and equipment to states all around the country.

I immediately reported the man to the local authorities. They assure me that the will be looked into. Then I walked out of the building and saw Mr. Sanchez entering the rear of the police station from a black limousine. The Sheriff greeted him at the door with a laugh and a shake of his cash-filled hand and I realized that the man will not be easily brought to justice.

I leave this up to you, dear reader, spread the word. This man will be at YOUR state fair next.

Update 9/8 It gets worse. At the Minnesota State Fair Mr Sanchez has a live canine genitalia removal exhibit.

Church Sign Insanity


Edgewriter here.

In the past you have seen me rail against the evils of Televangelism.

Well, today I have been doing some research and Brothers and Sisters you won’t believe what I have dug up.

Across our great nation, many of us use our church signs as bilboards to either promote our values, advertise community events, or touch the hearts of the people driving by. However some churches are getting out of control. Either their pastors are loopy or the person in charge of their signage needs to be reigned in. These messages range from politically charged to stupid to flat out dangerous. This is the kind of thing that makes people think religious people are crazy.

That sign out front is often the first thing that people see from our churches. The message there will forever color the public opinion of our church’s beliefs.

Now I have seperated these photos into several categories:

#1 Stupid

Lame Church Sign

Lame Church Sign


Why adorn a church sign with mispellings? Obviously the sign arranger for this church was getting creative. However the message that our Heavenly Father will be there for us is tainted by the fact that people will wonder: “Are they being cute or are they just bad spellers?”
Besides, Isn’t that the name of a bad 80’s R&B song?

I’m not quite sure what message this sign is meant to convey. Maybe this is a joke being played on a heavy pastor. Either way it is innapropriate.

After examining this one more closely I think that this may be a church that was purchased by an institution that is running a business out of it. At least they should take the religious signage out of the corner.

#2 Political

In our current political climate, it may be tempting for a pastor to use his pulpit as a place to put forth his political views. However we need to remember that our political views are not neccesarily God’s will. It is innapropriate to put that kind of message out. It is also a quick way to get your tax exempt status removed.

Not only is this sign highly innapropriate, it is also offensive. It is not our place to judge a woman. Besides, where is the proof?

I have seen signs with similar messages popping up all over the country. Not only is it rediculous, but also quite frightening. Even if Barack Obama did heal my friend’s gimpy leg.

Again, this is is a statement I have not seen proof of. I mean, I have heard of this, but there is no photo evidence. But if any of you do find any let me know.

Finally I will end this catagory with an amazing example of a church that let politics drive it completely off the deep end.

The River City Church Of GOD

They start off with a statement just as rediculous as the one posted earlier.

Now they are making themselves look silly.

At first I just thought “What an obvious statement.” But what were they really saying? Were they intimating that he is still a virgin even now? But then it may just have been a gramatical error because the next day the sign had changed again.

It was at this point that I noticed the change in the name of their church. It just creeps me out now.

#3 Dangerous

These last signs were truly shocking to me. I really think that some congregations need to bring their pastors under control. Either someone is truly nuts or a prankster has gotten hold of the signage lettering.

These kinds of messages cound erupt a community into violence or perhaps bring church leaders up on criminal charges.

This may seem funny on the surface. But this kind of intolerance will not bring the type of people into your congregation that you want. Mormons may not fight you but the Lutherans could set fire to your church house.

Even if you think this statement is true, you are just asking for a community in uproar and that is not the way to convert souls.

(And also, a quick thank you to Mrs Edge for pointing out that the word Wiener was misspelled. Perhaps the sign was referring to Mr. Hermann Weiner who was beaten to death by a gang of homosexuals in that same city the week prior.)

I really think that this might be the work of a prankster. But if so, someone should have taken the message down right away. This one stayed on the board for over a week.

At first I thought that this pastor was just against that rock band from the 80’s. But my wife tells me she thinks that it is a statement of homosexual intolerance. . . . I don’t get it.

A few days after this sign was put up, this pastor had cops knocking on his door. There are more discreet ways of getting this particular message out.

At least this pastor has been reading my site.

So as you can see we need to get the message out. We need to get our signage under control. If you see something questionable on the sign outside your church, see your pastor. Perhaps you could volunteer to help him come up with more appropriate messages.

For more information on this serious subject, please go HERE.

UPDATE:

Here are some more Signs I found this morning.

I wonder if they take volunteers?

Didn’t know NAMBLA had meetings at the Presbyterian Church of Pittsburgh

So that’s the church that our greeter at Walmart goes to . . .

Finally a church that knows how to get its message out.

The place to go when you want to listen to an “Okay” preacher teach you a message that won’t quite make you fall asleep. And if you get a splinter from their pew, hey at least it didn’t hit an artery.

I didn’t know that the Seventh Day Adventists were so tolerant of alternative sexual lifestyles.

I think they blinded me with science.

My Toilet Paper Rant

Toilet paper shoe

Most of us don’t think too much about toilet paper. Often because of what we use it for, people see it as a crude thing to talk about. But it is something that impacts our daily lives. And there are some unfortunate developments lately that need to be addressed.

One of my favorite writers, Mr. Orson Scott Card wrote an in depth article several years ago detailing the common issues with toilet paper several years ago. I have never felt the need to add to his fantastic work in this article.

Until now.

I have been a Charmin guy for years. Their two-ply big rolls were all I ever bought. They were soft enough that your booty hole was unharmed and tough enough that your finger rarely punched through.

But recently Charmin decided that keeping people’s butts clean wasn’t enough. They needed to clog as many toilets as possible. They like tripled the thickness of their toilet paper and now call it Charmin Ultra. They don’t even make the regular Charmin anymore.

It’s like they were watching their own commercials and said to themselves, “You know what? This is false advertizing.”

“We need to triple the thickness of our toilet paper if we really want to be able to say a bear could wipe his booty with this. I mean think about it. The bear has claws. With our regular toilet paper he would pierce right through. And with all that hair, he would get one heck of a pile of dingleberries.”

Well, sorry Charmin. I don’t have the butt of a bear. My fingers aren’t tipped with claws. My butt hole was doing just fine, thank you very much. Did you get bought out by a plunger making company or something?

The new Charmin is so thick, it is hard to tell when you are clean. So you end up using more. And since the size of the roll is the same, there is less useable paper on the roll.

Their new slogan should go. “Charmin. Like wipping your butt with a pillow. Now try to flush that pillow.”

So I stopped buying Charmin. What is left? Scott brand?
Scott toilet paper
“Scott Toilet Paper: For cheap people who hate their butt holes.”

No thanks. I’ll get my fill of Scott brand next time I have to take a dump at a gas station. I didn’t know enough about the other brands to waste my money on them and try them all out. Fortunately our good pal Orson Scott Card came up with another option in a recent article.

Cottonelle works pretty good. It has a similar strength and softness as the original charmin. And it is cheaper than the old Charmin. So unbluckle em boys and let loose. There is a new toilet paper in town!

If you have any of that crappy (pun) toilet paper left, just feed it to your cat. After all, cats love toilet paper.

Televangelists

Some folks just have it. Call it charisma if you will. These folks can go places. They often become polititians, actors, or musicians.

These people can be good or bad. Most of them probably start out good. The thing is that people with charisma soon learn that they can use that charisma to make money. Money can easily corrupt people. That is often what turns a charismatic person with the best of intentions to corruption.

This is seen all the time in politics. Some go into politics for power in the first place, but many others go into it with the desire to to good only to be taken down years later with scandal. Such behavior among politicians is well documented and expounded upon on countless sites so I won’t go on about it here.

Jimmy

The thing is that many charismatic people also go into the ministry. This is one place that people should be able to withstand corruption. It’s teaching about God for goodness sake. They are standing in front of people that need comfort, people looking for direction. But what do some of them do to these people? While one hand pat’s their shoulder (or slaps their forehead), the other steals their wallet.

There are the small timers, like the guys that travel the Navajo indian reservations setting up revival tents and taking the old Navajo ladies’ turquoise jewelry. Then there are the big leaguers. The folks with enormous preaching shows with the lazer lights and the big bands. They take the money of thousands in return for empty platitudes. Televalgelists are the worst of the bunch.

I have yet to see a televagelist that didn’t make me squirm. They aren’t men or women of God. They are con artists. And horrible ones at that. Take TBN for instance. Everything about them is opulent and money hungry. The biggest thing that should tip you off about these criminals is the pink haired mother of the crypt keeper. That bewigged clown lady should scare every person looking for God away.

The Evil Crouches
Clown Lady

Here are some tips for knowing if someone is honestly trying to preach the word of God or just take your money:

1. Is there an entrance fee to their house of worship?

2. Check out their appearance. Do they look like humble servants of God or are they dressed in finery? Do they have multiple rings on their fingers? Jewelry? Tons of Makeup?

3. When passing the collection plate around, do they pressure you for more? Do they tell you how much to pay? Do they tell you where this money is going?

4. Do some research about them. How much of this money goes to charity and the Lord’s work? How much do they keep for themselves? Is it a comfortable living or do they live in a mansion? Did Jesus have a mansion built for his teaching?

I understand that a full time minister needs to be able to live, but is it God’s way for his sevants to become wealthy off of the money of the poor? Most of these people are snakes in preacher clothing. It’s people like this that make the rest of the world think Christians are crazy.

In my opinion these scum of the earth deserve to be brought down a bit. So I must admit that I love those Farting Preacher videos. What these people do is despicable. So why don’t you laugh at them with me? It may make you feel better.

This is the first one I ever saw. It is still hilarious.

Kungfu Farting Preacher.

Screaming Farting Preacher. This guy is so Evil. When the lady says she doesn’t feel anything, he calls her a liar. Holy crap.

Mrs. Farting preacher 1

Mrs. Farting Preacher 2

Preacher Potpourri 1

Preacher Potpourri 2

Evil televangelists Exposed:

Peter Popoff

Kenneth Copeland


And Finally Here Is A Preacher That Gets It:

Mixed Nuts: The Peanut Conspiracy

No, I’m not talking about the men’s locker room at The Olympics.
I’m not talking about the mediocre 1994 Steve Martin comedy of the same name.
I’m talking about this:

Crap! Who spilled my nuts?

I know, I know. it looks like an innocent photograph, but if you look closer you will notice that there are very few beans in the mix. In truth, if you ordered that can of Mixed nuts, there would be at least 50% beans (legumes). That’s right there would be at least 50% of those fiendish little poisonous time bombs that we all call “peanuts” thrown in with the good stuff.

Peanuts are beans

Today we will examine the history of the Peanut Conspiracy and how it touches our daily lives today. Prepare to be frightened people, because this is some scary stuff.

This all began in the 1800s when some racist European Colonists started selling these beans to the the Africans in the hopes that many of them would die from peanut allergies. Their little plan actually did kill many people, but with medical technology as primitive as it was back then, no one knew the cause.

These “peanuts” were brought over to the US and became a popular crop in the south. Again many people died not only from allergies, but from exposure to toxins in peanuts that were not properly stored.

The evil side of George Washington Carver

The possible danger of these “peanuts” was discovered by the inventor George Washington Carver who as we all know ate babies. Mr. Carver hated human life and wanted to destroy it in as insidious a manner as possible. So he distributed a list of recipes using peanuts and created 100 products from peanuts in an attempt to poison as many people as possible in as many ways as he could.

Mr Carver learned of a company called Planter’s Peanuts in Pennsylvania and during one of his trips to that part of the country, he stopped in and spoke to the president of the company, Mr. Amedeo Obici. Exactly how the conversation went is not known, but soon therafter Planters put out their first batch of “mixed nuts”.

Mixed nuts indeed

Now the place where I hypothesize Mr. Carver’s evil genius comes in is in the ratio of peanut to true nut. In those early batches of “mixed nuts” one would be lucky to find 5% true nuts. It was a special prize if you found a brazil nut in there. A kid that got a Macadamia nut was once elected class president at his high school. His campaign was “Vote Barney. He’s a lucky nut.”

This went on for over half a century. Mixed nuts were completely unregulated. In 1974 one congressman grew particularly perturbed when his lung collapsed after a bad peanut allergy attack. He demanded an investigation into peanut companies. Consumer reports did their own study and found that cans of mixed nuts at the time contained an average of 75% peanuts and often just had two or three varieties of nuts.

On March 15th 1977 the FDA came out with a new standard of identity for mixed nuts. From then on for a can to be labeled “mixed nuts” it had to contain at least four varieties on nuts and be at least 85% full. The label also had to state what percentage of the mixed nuts were peanuts.

This ad was produced as a result. “Special nuts indeed”:

Today that FDA standard still exists. George Washington Carvers wish for the extermination of human kind never did come to pass, but you must still beware of the peanut and Mixed Nuts in general. Even if you buy a can of nuts that claims to be “peanut free” be careful. These nuts are often packaged in the same factory as the peanuts and get a liberal sprinkling of peanut dust.

As a side note, Planters Peanuts is still out there implementing their dastardly plans. They have ramped up their adverising efforts in recent years in an attempt to kill even more people.

Here is an ad designed to appeal to crazy people.

And in their latest ad, Planters tries to seduce the ugly chick demographic.

Junky Drawers

Once again my mind is filled with many small things that by themselves are perhaps unworthy of a stand-alone post. But together they make one heck of a mess and that sounds just about right for one of my articles. So let’s get started shall we?

First of all, there has been some confusion about my last article which was about a boy talking to his pet frog who is trying to escape. I apologize for the confusion. And I know that the frog in the video was freaky. Can you imagine walking across your lawn at night and hearing that sound come from near your feet in the darkness? Again I apologize.

Mitchell and Webb

While reading the Rifftrax Blog the other day I came across a youtube video posted by our good pal Bill Corbett. It perfectly illustrates the frustration of a screenwriter pitching his work to hollywood.

It made me laugh several times and I had to seek out more information about the comedians in the sketch. They are called Mitchell and Webb and are big hits in the UK but are relatively unknown in the US.

Their current show “that Mitchell and Webb look” airs on BBC America on the weekends so you can check it out. Here are a few more sample clips to whet your whistle. (Mild expletive warning!)

Nazi officers realizing that they are the bad guys:

A Mr B Natural story gone bad.

Naming a dry cleaners:

Child with a BOOTY for a face:

They are also PC and Mac guys for the UK commercials.

Rifftrax:

Rifftrax Matrix Reloaded

I finally got around to watching the Rifftrax of Matrix Reloaded the other night with Mrs. Edge. We both enjoyed it immensely. They ripped appart the massively stupid sex/rave scene that took up half of the film for one. They also accurately picked the moment in the film where the Matrix franchise jumped the proverbial shark.

Oh and for you insiders, bacon jokes are scattered throughout along with the obligatory Schnappi reference.

The original Matrix Rifftrax is the one that started it all for me and the second one is even better.

Also, the Riffers have taken on some new political ads. Here are a couple of my favorites:

There are more on my previous political post.

Completely 100% not not true:

In my previous article on the history of Asparagus Pee I left out one interesting factoid.

Island of Bhuti

On the island of Bhuti in the Indian Ocean, the Palahunga tribe makes many of varieties of distinctive dyes. These dyes are made from the various plant and insect species native to the island and are highly sought over by yarn manufacturers for their brilliant colors.

The most sought after of these dyes is called Bhutipee #5. It is a gorgeous deep purple hue and sells for over 150 dollars per ounce. (Which, being highly concentrated can actually dye 10 skeins of high quality alpaca yarn.) These skeins of yarn can sell for $50-100 each. (No, Mrs. Edge! Put the credit card down and back away slowly . . .)

Bhutipee Alpaca yarn

What is very interesting is that the beautiful purple hue of this yarn comes from a mixture composed from the musk glands of a beetle native to the island (The Bhuti Beetle) and asparagus pee.

How did such a thing come to pass?

Asparagus was brought to the islands in the 1700’s by british explorers coming out of India. The lush climate on the island was perfect for the growth of Asparagus and the vegetable flourished. It grew so well there in fact that it became seen by the inhabitants as a weed. Still there were some of the tribe that enjoyed the flavor of this new vegetable.

As the story goes, one day a dyemaker’s son was stepped on a bhuti beetle and the stink of the beetle clung to him. In order to get rid of the musk from a bhuti beetle, the traditional method is to pee on it. Something in the urine counteracts the smell. Evidently this time when the boy peed on it, his foot turned purple. He screamed and though he had contracted some horrible skin disease, but over time they realized that it was something else. His foot had become dyed purple.

Bhutipee purple dye

Now being a tribe of dye makers, it occured to them to find out where this beautiful purple came from. The musk of a bhuti beetle is quite colorless normally and they had never seen this result before. It took the quite a while to realize that the reason his foot had turned purple was because he had eaten large quantities of asparagus before stepping on the beetle and even though his urine was yellow and the beetle musk was colorless, a chemical reaction in the musk turned the urine that delightful purple color.

Utah Jazz:

Kyle Korver Girlfriend sighting:

Leave Kyle Korver Alone!

I have been asked to leave Deformio alone by this lady above. She wouldn’t say, but I am almost sure it is Kyle Korver’s girlfriend. I know that some of you have told me that this is a guy, but anyone with that voice is 100% woman.

On a side note, Deformio has come out of his shooting slump in the last couple games and has been ripping the nets for the Jazz. It was in large part thanks to him that we beat Dallas and Detroit recently.

Go Deformio!

Frog

Are you sure you want to do this? Truly?

Well before you do, there are some things you may want to consider. What about our friendship? What about the many years we spent lollygagging around? The eating contests. The diving competitions. What about those?

Remember that time we went to the fair and you fell? It was scary wasn’t it? Did you think you would die? I caught you that time, but will I be there next time you fall off the ferris wheel? Think about that.

Green frog

If you do what you are thinking about doing it might be over between us. No more jumping hopping or skipping together. No more trips to the museum.

What about that?

Do you really want to go to the museum alone. All those people walking around looking at old stuff without me there with you. That old lady with the gigantic purse. What does she have in that purse anyway? She could probably keep four Monopoly sets in there.

She probably has Simpsons Monopoly, Star Wars Monopoly, Nascar Monopoly, and the 30th aniversary edition Monopoly in there. Do you seriously want to go to the museum without me there to point that out?

Frog school

There might be large families at the museum. Two parents with six kids. The mom might be carrying the baby carelessly with one arm while chasing a three year old away from the dinosaur bones. The oldest teen might be texting her boyfriend while the second oldest teases her relentlessy about it.

All the while the dad looks tired and foot-sore. You can tell that he doesn’t want to be there. The mom probably dragged him away from watching football for this. He half-heartedly tries to keep the kids in line, but by the way he keeps checking his watch you know he has plans elsewhere.

But if you do what you are planning, I won’t be there to stop you from tripping the seven year old that stuck his gum on the marble statue of President Washington. What would happen then? would the tired dad notice? Would the mother look at you with horror in her eyes? How long would the seven year old lay on the floor in shock before rolling over and looking at you with accusing eyes? Do you want that on your concience?

DO YOU?

If you do as you are planning there will be no more jumping on my trampoline. That’s right, I won’t bounce you higher. I know you think you are a great jumper and all, but let me tell you a secret. All those times that you thought you had jumped a new record, I totally gave you that bounce.

No more checker tournaments. No more badmitton. No more rock skipping at the lake.

And next Thanksgiving I’m totally not eating your pie for you.

That’s right.

Grandma Edna will keep scooting the plate closer to you, but I wont take the piece while she isn’t looking. I love pecan pie but I can get my own piece. Granny’s eyes will look at you with a questioning gaze. Her eyebrows will raise in concern, crinkling her forehead. She will ask you why you aren’t eating that slice of pie. The pie that Gransy made with her own withered hands.

She picked those pecans out at the store. She made that pie crust with her own recipe. She toasted the pecans. She poured the sugar. She hummed those old 40’s dance tunes while she worked. The whole time it was cooking, she thought about how much you loved her pie. She knew that you would eat it up, crumbs and all. Then you would thank her and give her a sugary kiss on the cheek.

But not this year. Not if you do as you plan. You know she won’t take the “I am full” excuse either. Do you want to break her poor old heart?

Frog in water

So stop and think about what you are doing. Judy won’t call anymore after this. Billy won’t play ball with you. Remember Elisabeth, that shy girl who kissed your firehead at the picnic and left that red smear of lipstick? She won’t do that again. Not after this

I won’t be there to comfort you either. Sure you might enjoy the solitude for a while. Maybe for a short time you might relish the thought that no one will tease you anymore. But when that brief moment has passed and you start missing us, it will be too late. You won’t get us back. Not again.

Last time you tried this we forgave you. I took you to the mall with me the very next day. Sure you almost got thrown out, but that was good times. That security guard chased us, but we were too fast for him. He must have been like eighty pounds overweight. He might be fast enough to catch that old lady we saw sneaking that candy bar into her purse, but not us. All he could do was clutch his side and bend over, breathing heavily while talking into his walkie talkie. No one saw us go out the side door of the JC Pennys.

Who knows what would have happened if he had caught you. Would you be banned from the mall? Would he have called your parents. By the look of that guy he might even have eaten you. You escaped that time with my help. But not again.

But all that’s in the past. Your plans will make sure we don’t have that kind of fun again. So let me ask you one last time,

Are you sure you want to do this?

sad frog

For all the hate and slander directed at America by the rest of the world, they sure seem to love us.

You know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well here you go. The following are some of the funniest imitations of American pop culture I have ever seen. It’s funny because they don’t know that they are funny.

Indian Thriller: Unfortunately I hear that this man is now whiter than Michael Jackson.

Turkish Trek:

Too bad their Kirk has one of the worst smiles ever and their Spock just can’t pull off a lack of emotion.

Turkish Superman:

Turkish superman hits like a girl.

Indian Superman and Spidergirl? The musical? Bollywood, Baby!

Bollywood can’t keep away from Superman. This Superman needs to lose some weight and get the symbol right though. The lyrics are kind of naughty too.

Let me know in comments if you come across any more and I will post them here.

Jell-O-Riffic

Jello!

Ahh Jello. Doesn’t that make you want to sit down with Bill Cosby and some Coolwhip?

Today’s very serious topic is the Evil Jell-O conspiracy.

In 1845 an unscrupulous anti-cow scientist named Peter Cooper patented a formula for making geletin out of geese bones. He soon traded the formula to would be dictator Pearle B. Waite and his wife Eva for an unknown number of avian animal parts.

The couple created a concoction of Gelatin and fruit flavors combined with mind controlling drugs and began distributing it under the name Jell-O. The dessert was weakly flavored, but effective. Thousands upon thousands of mindless drones bought and slurped the product eagerly.

Jello 1923

But before the Waite’s power became absolute, one knight in shining armor, a man named Francis Woodward, rode the couple down on his white charger and forced them at the tip of his sword to sell him the patent for a measley $450.00. At first things were calm. But the public clamored for this strange substance. It seems that the addictive qualities of this Jell-O, perhaps obtained from the succulent bones of the silverback goose, had caused a dessert lust outbreak.

Then out of the blue, Mr. Woodward’s Genesee Pure Food Company began selling it in amounts unequaled before. It is still unknown whether Mr. Woodward was corrupted by the sheer power contained in the substance or if he was blackmailed into doing so.

In 1904 Genesee Pure Food Company hired and sent out countless legions of Jell-o cookbook salesmen set upon addicting the entire country. These purveyors of geletanic insanity have become known to historians as The Strawberry Flood.

Jello 1923

By the 30’s America was firmly caught in the grip of this fruity confection. But there were dissidents as well. People were angry about the mixing of fruit into an animal based product. Protesters began roaming the streets shouting down the abuse of fruit. These “Fruities” as they were called gathered a large following and became a concern for the renamed Jell-O Company.

To combat the movement the company came out with Jell-O Instant Chocolate pudding in 1936. This intoxicating combination was simply too powerful for the dissidents and they soon faded into obscurity.

That seemed to be the final nail in America’s coffin. The country was set firmly under the heel of the Jell-O conglomerate. They had influence in every branch of the government. They made sure that their desserts were served at White House functions and in the cafeteria of Congress. Their next step was WORLD DOMINATION.

Success was inevitable. By the 60s they were in nearly every corner of the globe. Even Red China was under their spell. Here is a 1960’s instructional video telling the Chinese how to eat it. (This particular video was quickly removed from circulation after they found out that pissing off the Chinese retarded their sales in the area.)

People I am here today to warn you that you have been deceived. The Jell-O company has been allowed to corrupt this land for far too long. Think about it. What have they done to our culture? They taught us that men shouldn’t speak to their wives:

They have also teamed up with space aliens! Look closely and you will see Droppo from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!!

Think people. The drug craze of the 60’s was all part of their designs of the free thinking youth of their time.

If that doesn’t snap you out of your apathy, maybe this will. Watch the most painful Jello Commercial ever. *With more Carol Channing!! Oh and the cast of Hogan’s heroes.*

There. I can see the fog clearing from your eyes. Now is the time to drop the big bomb folks. Now I know that many of you believed that Jell-o was still being made from the nutritious bones of geese, but that is no longer true. Over the years it has changed.

I know what you are thinking. It is now made of cow bones. Hah! You are wrong again. Your delicious dessert is now only 27% bones! The rest comes from cow and pig hides.

PROOF and MORE PROOF

And now I’ll leave you with the most humble performer of all time, Mr. Peter Lemongello. Let his supple voice drive you to revolt against the Jell-o conspirators. Viva la revolution! (Ignore the Pistachio pudding in my bowl)

Scary Crispin Glover

I have spoken to Crispin Glover (Or Crispy, as I will often refer to him.) on several occasions by phone at my work. I didn’t know who he was at the time. His name was a bit unique and sounded familiar, but I didn’t place it.

We spoke for over a half hour on the first occasion. He was ordering something and wanted to get it right. He didn’t seem too strange to me. The next time he called, he was angry. The product he received was not what he expected it to be and he wanted to return it. I guess that with all of the options we had discussed, something got lost in translation. I called him back the next morning to tell him that we would allow him to return it and he became irate. Evidently I had awoken him.

Mad Crispin

Then a year later he called back to order some more. He didn’t remember me I suppose because he was nice, but I remembered the name. That night my wife and I were watched Charlies Angels and as the credits rolled, I saw the name and it all came together for me. I laughed out loud and told my wife what had happenned. I couldn’t believe that I had spoken to George McFly.

Since then I have been interested whenever his name has come up and the more I learn about him, the weirder he gets.

Think McFly Think

Crispy was an only child. His Parents were both actors and they moved to LA when he was five. He went to Mirman School for the academically gifted as a child and went into acting.

He appeared in several different tv shows as a teen but he din’t gain any notoriety until his role in Back To The Future. I think that this is where most of us first saw him.

His quirky portrayal of George McFly was unique and endearing. I think most of us could identify with the geeky outcast high schooler that is preyed upon by the cool guys. Crispy wasn’t the first actor to portray such a role by far, but he owned it. In my opinion, the character of George McFly was one of the best things about that movie.

McFly. What a crack-up!

When the sequels came out, though Crispy wasn’t in them. The story was that he wanted too much money. Crispy says that it is more complicated than that, but chooses not to get too specific on the subject. However, in the second film, the producers decided to hire another actor and put prosthetics on him to make him look like Crispin Glover. This ticked him off. He sued the producers including Stephen Spielberg and he won.

He had his famous appearance on David Letterman around this time:

The thing is that he appeared as the character Rubin Farr from the film he was doing called Rubin and Ed. He was dressed in odd 70’s style clothes and platform shoes and acted very erratic. The thing was, that no one told David Letterman that he was doing this. He came off as if on acid or something (which is still a possibility) and ticked Dave off when he made a karate kick at his head. Dave took a commercial break and kicked him off the set.

What noone knew is that Crispy was ahead of his time with that appearance. Actors do this kind of thing all the time nowadays. When Sacha Baron Cohen did his Borat Film he went on all the talk shows without breaking character as his Borat persona. Will Ferrell does it for his comedic films as well. To this day, Crispy refuses to admit that it was him and not the character Rubin Farr that showed up on Letterman’s show that day.

Rubin Farr burying a cat in the desert

After that appearance, he went into a self-imposed leave of absence from Hollywood. Where he could have used the fame caused by his role as George McFly to land some good high paying parts, he chose to appear only in minor roles in obscure films. Instead he focused on making bizarre records and art books. He claims that he feels guilty appearing in mainstream pictures. Whenever he did show up in mainstream movies, he stole his minor scenes with his manic energy and odd charisma.

Here is a clip from a music video he directed for his album “The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be ” Warning: Disturbing imagery here. I find it funny, but unsettling. “Clowny Clown Clown.”

Crispy says that his inspirations come from directors like David Lynch and Stanley Kubrick and a bunch of obscure indy film makers that make stuff the mainstream public can’t stomach. His personal works sure show it. If he isn’t fettered by a sane director or script, he goes right off the deep end.

Here he reads a excerpt from his book “What it is and How it is Done”

During his time away from mainstream movies he began work on a feature film of his own. It is a film called “What is it?”. It starts mostly mentally handicapped people and is a surrealistic nightmare. He worked on it for ten years, and used the profits from his film parts to make it. He has not released it in theaters and only shows the film in small screenings around the country where he presents it himself along with readings from his books.

Crispy has recently decided that appearing in mainsteam films shouldn’t make him feel “guilty” because he can use the profits to fund his own pet projects. No word yet on which pets will be starring in these projects. However he has completed the sequel to “What is it?” called “Everything is Fine” That stars a serial killer with cerebral palsy that is irresistible to women in his own mind. He wants to show that even handicapped people can be bad people. Yay.

So having delved a bit into the mind and past of Crispy Hellmaniac Glover, one has to ask. Is he for real? It is hard to say.

Is he putting on a front and is actually an Andy Kaufmanesque comedian, putting on a show with his own exotic brand of humor and laughing at us while we look at him in confusion? He may be. In interviews, he seems to delight in the reactions that people have to his work. He points out how his stuff has spread on Youtube and laughs about reactions to his Letterman appearance, saying that he won’t confirm or deny that he even appeared on the show. Here are a couple more clues to suggest that this may be the case. Link, Link.

Creepy Crispy

Could it be that he is a mentally sick person or on drugs or both? He seems to speak disdainfully of the idea that he is on drugs, but he never denies it. Or is he simply one of those odd independant film maker elitists that create crap just to get a rise out of people because they figure that the only way to be heard is to yell really loudly? I don’t know the answer and I won’t be seeing his self directed films, but I know that I won’t be able to resist enjoying his work in mainstream films.

At any rate, here is one last weird vid. It is a music video for a cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Ben.” Crispy recorded it for the sound track to the Movie Willard that he starred in. (And did a great job in by the way.) Warning: Disturbing imagery and it gets a bit risque. But I can’t help but enjoy his rendition even if the video is bizarrely crappy.