Category: Family


Glen Simmons-Staves Associated Press
August 1st 2008, 10 Minutes Ago

An Israeli couple going on a European vacation...forgot their Miley Cyrus scrapbook at the airport

An Israeli couple going on a European vacation...forgot their Miley Cyrus scrapbook at the airport

JERUSALEM – An Israeli couple going on a European vacation remembered to take their duty-free purchases and their 18 suitcases, but forgot their Miley Cyrus scrapbook at the airport, police said Monday.
The couple and their five children were late for a charter flight to Paris Sunday and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, their scrapbook got lost.
Police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said a policeman found her scrapbook in the duty-free area at Ben-Gurion airport, Israel’s bustling main international air portal. He said the officer alerted airline staff, but the flight had already taken off.

Rosenfeld said the owners were unaware they had boarded the aircraft with only a muffled voice recording of the teenage superstar instead of their entire scrapbook containing newspaper and magazine clippings.

Rosenfeld said the owners were unaware they had boarded the aircraft with only a muffled voice recording of the teenage superstar instead of their entire scrapbook containing newspaper and magazine clippings.

The incident happened on what Israeli media said was one of the busiest days of the year at the Israeli airport, with thousands of people leaving for summer vacations abroad. The Haaretz newspaper reported that 2.6 million passengers are expected to pass through the airport in July and August, an increase of 12 percent compared to the same period last year.
Israeli media said the owners of the forgotten scrapbook were an ultra-Orthodox Jewish couple but did not give their names.

I was shocked, a tiny, little man wearing scuba gear grabbed my leg and asked in a very high pitched voice, "...lost...?" and handed the officer the book. The officer couldn't make out anything else he was saying.

I was shocked, a tiny, little man wearing scuba gear grabbed my leg and asked in a very high pitched voice, "...lost...?" and handed the officer the book. The officer couldn't make out anything else he was saying.

Rosenfeld said the owners were unaware they had boarded the aircraft with only a muffled voice recording of the teenage superstar instead of their entire scrapbook containing newspaper and magazine clippings.
The scrapbook, accompanied by an airline staffer, took the next flight to Paris, where it was safely reunited with its owners.
Running the story on its front page Monday, the Yedisot Ahronotstein daily quoted an unnamed police officer as saying, “I was shocked, a tiny, little man wearing scuba gear grabbed my leg and asked in a very high pitched voice, “…lost…?” and handed the officer the book. The officer couldn’t make out anything else he was saying.
A female police officer identified only by her last name, Gardenof-Eden, checked the book for a name and saw a line noted, “This Book Belongs To: Azariah Gottesfreund.” I searched our flight database and saw that there was a Gottesfreund name on a plane that was set to take off in three minutes,” she told the paper.
Gardenof-Eden picked up the scrapbook and rushed to the gate for the flight to Paris. “I ran quickly because I knew that every minute mattered. At the same time, the police tried to contact the flight attendants to get them to stop the plane. When I reached the gate, the plane was no longer there.”
Rosenfeld said police would question the couple when they return from vacation, as to how they were able to get a photo of Miley wearing a bikini.

an 8-year-old boy traveling alone boarded a flight to Brussels without his Morgan Freeman action figure

an 8-year-old boy traveling alone boarded a flight to Brussels without his Morgan Freeman action figure

Haaretz asked the owner’s grandmother, who took the family to the airport, as saying, “We’re in shock. They’re very responsible, organized and top-notch people who are completely enamored with Ms. Cyrus.” Apparently one relied on the other, and this is what happened.”
The paper recounted that several days ago, an 8-year-old boy traveling alone boarded a flight to Brussels without his Morgan Freeman action figure, and two weeks before that, a 14-year-old boy left his lip-shaped Paris Hilton massaging neck pillow behind when he boarded a flight to Copenhagen.

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Glen Simmons-Staves, Aug-2002

Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother's who fart in public more than twice a day.

Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother's who fart in public more than twice a day.

HENDERSON, NV – Pregnant women who eat more gas-producing foods give their babies better chances of mature brain development, finds a new study in the September issue of the American Journal of Nutritional Health.
The study also found that mothers who pass gas more often had babies with higher IQ scores compared to those whose mothers who rarely farted, or only in private.
From results of a study by Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com, it was noted that an infant’s ability to comprehend complex family relationships is believed to reflect the gas content of a mother’s midsection, and have associated a mother’s silent farts with a child’s rapid muscle development in their first year of life. Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother’s who fart in public more than twice a day.

Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.

Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.

The gassy foods along with another substance, arachidonic acid (which is a key building block in chili and also cabbage) contribute to healthy brain and maturity development.
Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.
In a study by, Cathy Lammentin-Koeler and her colleagues at the University of Hawaii compared intellect levels and newborn eating patterns from 17 random women and their babies. Ten of the women passed gas in significant amounts – assumed to be caused by their diet of chocolate double-dipped onion rings and chili-cheese fries topped with a healthy portion of ranch dressing – while six would fart just on occasion and one (a yoga instructor) that held in her farts until a more “socially appropriate” place was available.
Lammentin-Koeler’s group asked the 17 women about their diets. Surprisingly, ten of the subjects in the study had always eaten a can of chili (out of the can) for breakfast since their late teens. The seven women with low amounts of gas were more likely to be minorities and to have received fewer years of education. They were also five years younger, on average, than those in the high gas category – 24 versus 29 years, according to the report.
All the babies were delivered vaginally, and none of the women had been given drugs known to make newborns gassier, the researchers said.

"Infants born to mothers considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels."

"Infants born to mothers with considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels."

Using a motion-sensing pad to measure breathing and movement during sleep cycles, the researchers found babies of women in the low-gas group had less advanced sleeping patterns than the other more gaseous mothers’ infants. They had a greater ratio of “more active” to “peaceful” sleep, spent more time transitioning between sleeping and waking, and spent less time fully awake than those of women with higher gas levels.
“As an infant matures, normally you would see the infant spending more time passing gas,” Lammentin-Koeler said. “Infants born to mothers with considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels.”

findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn's ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.

findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn's ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.

Jeff McInerny-Rudabaga, director gas expulsion technology at the John F. Kennedy Medical Research Institute and a child development expert, said the findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn’s ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.
Researchers have seen a definite correlation between performance of the anus when egressing methane and motor developmental tests at 9 months of age. However, both Lammentin-Koeler and Rutabaga said there is no way to predict whether a child with less mature sleeping habits in the first week of life will be anything other than less gassy.
“We have to be flexible in our definition of development however,” McInerny Rutabaga said. “With the child who doesn’t fart too well at two months of age, it may be related to the reduced intake of gassy foods, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s going to be a problem with that child. Just remember to give him a heaping helping of processed broccoli and let him rip”

Eating just 3000 calories a day increases cell growth, tissue generation, study says

Glen Simmons-Staves Associated Press 

3000 - 5000 Calorie per day diet is good.

Having your kids eat 3000 to 5000 calories a day could be the key to increasing their aging processes and in turn allowing your kids to stay home alone sooner, according to a new study.

MONDAY, July 14 (PediaDay News) – Having your kids eat 3000 to 5000 calories a day could be the key to increasing their aging processes and in turn allowing your kids to stay home alone sooner, according to a new study.

Studies have long shown that adding calories increases the aging process in goats and fish.  A popular theory is that more daily calories increases production of the thyroid hormone triiodothyronine (T3), which then increases maturity in your children.  Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says,  head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says,  head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says, head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

 
A new study, by VanNostren found this hormone increase occurs when humans regularly add rich desserts or even just substitute two chocolate chip muffins in place of a turkey sandwich and a salad.   “Maybe they could polish off the sandwich and salad later as long as they are careful to add double ranch dressing,” VanNosren added.

 

 

 

 

 

“Our research provides evidence that calorie enhancement does work in children like it has been shown to work in animals,” VanNostren said in a prepared statement. “The next step is to determine if this in fact can help a young boy to grow a mustache, or a little girl to be able to explain to her mother why she should use environmentally safe household cleansers.  The reason why I’m so certain is that I’ve tried it on my children.  I can attest that my three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”   

The findings, published in the July 2008 issue of The Mature Child, are based on a study of healthy but active, non-smoking, 5 to 6-year-old boys and post pre-school age girls under the age of 8.  For a year, the volunteers participated in either: a calorie-addition group that increased their daily calorie intake by 3000 to 5000 calories per day; a group that stayed on their regular diet and exercised regularly; or a group that maintained its normal routine.

While those in the calorie-addition diet and exercise groups both lost body fat mass, only those in the calorie addition group also had an increased desire to read the front page of the newspaper.

“There is plenty of evidence the calorie addition can increase maturity in children,” VanNostren said. “And parents will live a much easier life because of it.”

VanNostren warned that while adding calories to your children may gain a little weight, but the benefits clearly “outweigh” the side effects.   

The key to maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the adults, VanNostren said, is keeping your young children doing things for you that you don’t want to do yourself.   

My three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”

My three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”

 

 

 

 

A burping infant didn’t evoke same response, study found

By Silvia Gunkerton-Stratovinsky, HealthCare Reporter

 

 

MONDAY, July 7 (HealthCare News) — Science may have confirmed what most moms already know: When a woman smells her baby’s fart, certain areas of her brain activate, stimulating happy feelings.

“There’s a definite biological origin to these feelings that mothers have,” said study author Dr. Leonard Sunderton, an assistant professor in the department of pediatrics at Benton College of Medicine in Henderson, NV. “The contrast that showed the most response in the dopaminergic system of the brain was when a mother’s own baby farted compared to an unknown baby fart.”

“A baby’s fart is a very powerful stimulus,” noted Sunderton. “It makes sense biologically. Babies farts are completely and utterly disgusting to their caregivers.  It makes sense that nature would build in a system that would counteract that stimulus.”

 

A woman’s burping infant, or even her baby with a grunting expression, doesn’t evoke the same type of brain response as occurs when her baby farts, the study found.

Sunderton said they haven’t had a chance to look at the effects on fathers. His team published its findings in the June issue of Pedia-tricks.

For the study, the researchers recruited 28 first-time mothers during their last trimester of pregnancy. At that time, Sunderton said the women completed “attachment interviews” to assess the types of experiences they had when being raised and what type of relationship these mothers had with their own parents.

Then the researchers met with the mothers and the babies when the babies were about 6 months old. At that time, they captured in bottles their baby’s farts, and recorded video of their burping and grunting expressions. When the babies were about 10 months old, they asked the mothers to come back in for a functional MRI scan that shows which areas of the brain are activated.

 

When the mother’s heard their own babies burp, an extensive brain network was activated, according to the study.  But, it was when mothers smelled bottles filled with their own baby’s farts that the dopaminergic reward system in particular was activated. This system was not activated when mothers saw their own children with grunting expressions.

“This study is fascinating. It’s a step towards unraveling the chemistry of baby farts, and it begins to show the complex chemistry of the mother-child farting relationship,” said Dr. Mitch Wasilman, a pediatrickian at Openheimer Health System in New Dehli.

Sunderton explained that for some mothers, there may be a problem in this natural reward system, and that may help to explain why some women never bond with their children or even abuse their children.

JDC5: The Awakening

Ok, folks. Time for a Junk Drawer Cleanout!!

Junkedy junk

My new short story is in the works. But for now all I can tell you is that it is Bowl of Souls related and that it will concern one of the mysterious characters peripheral to the story. Those of you that have read the book will recognize this character right away.

Family:

Two items of note.

1. We have a stupid cat

Yukie Wet

Our black and white cat Yukie has recently decided that she wants to climb to the top of our chimney . . . . from the inside.

I first discovered this when my daughter brought in our black and white cat looking completely black. She was covered in soot. At the time I thought that she had just been laying around in the fireplace, but then it happened again. Mrs. Edge was the one that figured out that the stupid cat could see light in the chimney from inside the fireplace. She was trying to climb up and out.

This morning Mrs. Edge was sitting there when the cat fell out of the chimney. Needless to say, Yukie has gotten a lot of baths lately. Doesn’t she look embarrassed?

Wet cat 2

#2. My baby is still cuter.

I have told you again and again. I even made you a challenge. But for those of you that still don’t believe here is even more evidence. My baby is cuter.

baby dollar

Her hair has been wild and wispy lately. She has never lost the thick hair she was born with, though it has lightened some. So we decided to try and curl it to see what would happen.

Happy baby dollar with curlers

She actually seemed to enjoy having the curlers in her hair, which I thought was weird.

Baby with curlers

At any rate, when we took the curlers out, her hair looked like Gene Wilder’s on a windy day. So we ended up wetting it down and combing it out. But even with crazy Gene Wilder hair, she was cuter.

Regarding WordPress:

In the middle of writing this article last night, WordPress bogged down big time. When I finally got it up and working everything had changed on me. The interface for writing and my dashboard and everything is completely different.

It also screwed with the pictures I had uploaded. So I had to wait until this morning to publish this. It actually looks like an improvement over the old interface though. I’ll just have to get used to it.

The Utah Jazz:

Jazz/Spurs

What a fantastic game last night. The Jazz gave the Spurs a beat down. The first half looked a bit hairy, but the Jazz hung in there despite shooting a crappy 37%. Boozer hit a big shot at the buzzer to give us a 2 point lead going into the half.

Memo Looking graceful as usual.

Then in the second half, we caught on fire, both offensively and defensively. We held the spurs to their lowest point total in franchise history and won 90-64.

Boozer and Deron played great, but the two real heroes in the game were Memo and AK. Memo had 17 point sand 16 Rebounds while AK had 10 points, 6 assists, 5 rebounds, 3 steals and a blocked shot. AK was truly everywhere. If only he can keep that up, we could win the championship this year.

There are only 5 games left in the season before the playoffs start. We only need to win one more to clinch a playoff spot. All 5 games are against tough teams.

Spurs watching from the bench where they belong.

Rifftrax:

The new Rifftrax was just announced. They are riffing Spiderman 3 with guest riffer James Lileks.

Spiderman 3 Rifftrax

I am not too familliar with James Lileks. His website is HERE and evidently his blog is a hit. Also he has a radio show in Minnesota. All I know is the the guys at Rifftrax say he is hilarious and that is good enough for me.

As far as Spiderman 3 goes, I have to admit that I haven’t seen it yet. I own the movie, but have never watched it. I liked Spiderman one and Spiderman 2 was really good, so I am looking forward to watching it both riffed and unriffed.

I will do a Spiderman post as part of my Superhero Movies series some time next week and tell you how it went.

In the meantime, here is a clip from the Rifftrax of Beowulf.

Oh, and before you go, you must have some Bacon.

Vodpod videos no longer available. from video.acasa.ro posted with vodpod

Shoelaces . . . a short story

Shoelaces

Pops didn’t talk much.

At least not to me. Not in the beginning anyway. Not until he was in the hospital. And then the things he said taught me something. I wasn’t expecting that from him.

I grew up in a small town in southern Idaho. A hick town you might say. Dad worked at the paper. He made decent money at it. For our town anyway. At any rate we didn’t seem to want for much. There was always dinner on the table and if we worked hard, (and didn’t get in trouble) mom would pass out some spending money on Fridays.

Me and my brother, maybe a couple other boys would bike across the neighborhood and head to the corner store. It was mostly downhill the whole way there so it was fun to coast along, our spending money burning a hole in our pockets. It was a pain biking home, though. We’d end up pushing our bikes the last half of the trip.

Pops owned the corner store. We didn’t know his real name. Everyone called him Pops. Even the old timers. His store was a relic of its time.

It looked like it had once been one of those stores you’d see in the 50’s movies, but updated to 80’s standards. Wooden floors. Wooden paneled walls. A long wooden bar with stools that had perhaps once been used for serving sodas and milkshakes now held an electric hot dog turner, Icee machine, and a nacho cheese dispenser. In the middle of the store were wire racks containing the sundries that you expect to find in any modern convenience store.

There were other hints of what the store had once been. In the back, there was a table with an ancient chess set ready for people to play. Sometimes a couple old timers would be sitting there playing, but usually the table was vacant. Then at the front counter was an old time pickle barrel. Big sour dills. Pops made them himself and sold them for 50 cents each.

But none of those things were what drew us to the place. Pops had installed two old arcade games in the back. Pac-Man and Space Invaders. Sure those machines ate up our quarters pretty quick, but we didn’t care. Our four or five bucks would last us maybe an hour if there were more than two of us. Whatever change we had left over, we would spend on penny candies. Gummy bears, gummy sours, or Jolly Ranchers. Stuff like that.

Before we left, Pops always had the same routine. He would always ask us if our parents needed anything. (They never did of course. Mom got her shopping done at the grocery store.) Then he would ask us if we wanted any shoelaces.

Right beside the cash register Pops had a shoelace rack. It was one of those four sided jobs that sat on a lazy susan so you could turn it to look at everything. Not that anyone did. It was shoelaces for cripes sake. We never understood his fascination with them.

Pops would stand there in his faded coveralls and collared shirt and say, “Now boys, I see you coming in here every week and you piddle your money away on candies and games. But look at your shoes. A boy needs good sturdy laces on his shoes.”

We would say, “No thanks, Pops.” and roll our eyes as we left the place.

Once I asked him how much the laces were. Those were high dollar shoelaces. Three, four bucks for a pair! Why would a kid want to waste that kind of money on shoelaces? Besides, if we needed something like that, we would just go to mom.

Well, this went on almost every weekend for years while I was growing up. Over that time, I grew fond of Pops. We all did.

Then one day he got sick and ended up in the hospital. It was weird going down to the corner store that weekend and seeing a closed sign on the door. Pops never closed the store during the day unless it was a holiday or something.

The whole town heard about it. One day at church they had all of us kids draw get-well cards for Pops. My dad and I were asked to deliver them.

When we got down to the hospital I wasn’t prepared for the way Pops would look. The man had always stood behind that counter like a weathered boulder. Unyielding. Eternal. But in that hospital bed with IV fluids hooked up, he just looked like a pale old man. His skin clung to his face wrinkled and paper thin.

My dad chatted with him for awhile while I stood quietly beside him. I didn’t know what to say.

Pops told us that he had a bad case of pneumonia. He had been fighting it for days and going to work anyway. But he had collapsed trying to climb the stairs that lead to the apartment he lived in above the store and had finally called the doctor.

I handed Pops the cards that the kids at church had made and he seemed genuinely touched. He then caught my hand and talked directly to me.

“Boy I have something I want to give you.” He wheezed as he spoke. “Bring me my jacket, would you?”

I grabbed the gray jacket that was draped over the chair near the door and brought it to him. He reached into the inside pocket with the hand free of IVs. He pulled something out and pressed it into my hand.

“You have never listened to me boy.”

I looked into my hand to see a pair of those four dollar shoelaces.

“I always keep a pair on me for luck, but I don’t think I’ll need them where I’m going.”

“The doctor says that you are doing a lot better or he wouldn’t have let us see you,” Dad said, but I was still confused.

“Why shoelaces, Pops?”

“Shoelaces saved my life once.” Pops looked me straight in the eyes as he spoke. “When I got out of school I tried to make my living as a salesman. My first big job was selling cook books and knick knacks. I traveled to all the towns in southeast Idaho, selling that crap and I was pretty good at it too. The key was to hit the houses in the middle of the day when the husbands weren’t home and the wives was getting bored.

But one day I was driving over the Tetons hoping to try my luck on the other side and my car just done broke down. I decided to hike down and see if I could get a tow and I got lost. I was stuck in the wild for a week till they found me.”

“A week?”

“I know it sounds funny to you nowadays but in the 50’s it wasn’t so easy to find your way around. I never was much into scouts or nothing anyway. So when I got lost, I was stuck in a bad way. All I had on me was a candy bar, my pocket knife, and some of the knick knacks I sold that I kept in a briefcase.

Wasn’t much good in there either. Some spices and whatnot that the housewives liked. And shoelaces. I had three or four pair. Good strong ones. Not the crap they put on kid’s sneakers these days. Them laces kept me alive. It’s true.

I used them to make some animal traps and to tie my stuff together. And since they were good, strong laces, I was able to use them over and over again. Once I found a stream and had the water I needed, I did just fine thanks to those laces. I was able to trap squirrels and birds to eat. I had my eye on a rabbit when I heard the sheriff yelling over the ridge.”

Pops became something of a folk hero to my friends and I after that. He got better and ran that corner store for another ten years. All the boys made sure to buy some of his shoe laces. We made him tell us stories about that time he got lost whenever we stopped by his store. He had a lot of other good stories too.

A few months ago I drove back through my old town. Pops’ corner store is gone. There is a Shell station there now. It’s sad how things change. I still think about Pops from time to time and the lesson he taught me.

I don’t go hiking off into the wilderness unprepared for one thing. And I always make sure that I have good shoelaces. Good strong ones.

If you look at the world today and see all the reckless irresponsibility, you can pin it all down on one thing. There is just not enough spanking going on.

Spanking Douglass

Kids today often go about with the idea that there are no reprecussions for their actions. They are taught at a young age that the worst they will get for their wrong doings is a good talking to.

As they get older the parents move from time outs to groundings, but it doesn’t take a willful teen long to realize that if they ignore their grounding the worst that they will get is a talking to. And if they ignore additional groundings and/or talking to’s the parent has lost all control of their child. Once a parent has no control over their child, the child has no reason to listen to anything they say.

Belt for spanking

Now when I am talking about spanking I refer to punishment delivered by repeated strikes to the buttocks (Or booty if you prefer). Most often these would be delivered by the open hand, though sometimes a belt or switch could be used.

In days of old, teachers, pastors(shudder), neighbors, or any upstanding adult could deliver a spanking to an unruly child. And when the child complained to their parent, they would just be told “You got what you deserved.”

Spanking paddle

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating a return to those days. I wouldn’t particularly like it if my kid’s teachers spanked them. There is too much opportunity for dicipline to become abuse. I agree that the physical discipline of children should be left to the parents. But these days parents are looked down upon with derision or even horror for spanking their kids. In fact, there are constantly bills being presented to government to outlaw spanking.

There was a day when if you were at the store and your kid threw a fit, you took them over your knee and spanked them right in the aisle. Now if a kid throws a fit you have to put up with it, maybe lean in and threaten them with future harm so quietly that no one else hears you. Because if you did spank that child, there might be three or four empty-headed busybodies on their cell phones calling child protective services. At the least you would get looks of scorn or derision, or pure hatred.

Hillary scowl for spanking

As a result of this atmosphere, here is the typical situation you run into at your local Walmart:

Child: “Waaaaaah I want cookie! Waaaaaaah!”

Empty-headed mom: “Now you know you are on a gluten free diet.”

Child: *Sprawls on the aisle floor kicking his feet* “Waaaaahhhhh! Cookie now!!!”

Empty-headed mom: “Please junior stop.”

Child: *knocks food off of shelf onto the floor* “No!! I want cookie!!! Stupid mom!!”

Empty-headed mom: “But junior-”

Child: “Stupid mom! Stupid Mom! I hate you! Give me cookie!!!!”

Empty-headed mom:
“Now that’s not polite.”

Empty-headed busybody #1: “Oh, I would be happy to buy this boy a cookie if you can’t afford it.”

Empty-headed busybody #2: “You know I read a good book on parenting . . .”

Me: “Spank the kid!”

Double Spanking

We have all seen this scene or one similar to some degree or worse. Why does this happen? First the kid does not respect their parent. At home, the Mom can put the child in time out or turn the TV off for a few hours. In the store, she is utterly defenseless and does not know how to handle the situation. So the kid steamrolls her and the onlookers stupidly try to step in and end her torment.

This child never learned discipline. He never learned that his behavior had consequences. His parents thought that if they just showed him enough love, that they would have his respect. Well children enjoy being shown love, but they also enjoy getting what they want.

What happens to kids that grow up without discipline?

Paris Hilton Needs a Spanking

Don’t let this be your kid.

Now you might be wondering how Edgewriter disciplines his kids. You might even picture me as a howling red-faced child-beating demon. But that is far from the case. My spankings are delivered hand to booty. Some times bare booty some times not, depending on the severity of the offense.

I have four kids and one is far too small (And cute) for such things. I have found that with their different personalities, some respond to spankings, some don’t.

My oldest will be like, “*Sigh* OK” and turn over meekly for her spanking. But she freaks out if sent to her room. So spankings don’t work for her. The boys however take spankings very seriously. If a spanking is threatened, they shape up quick. So the end result is that I rarely have to spank my kids.

Levar loves Spankings

Our trips to Walmart go like this:

Child: “I want a cookie.”

Me: “Not today.”

Child: “Awwww. Please?”

Me: “Nope”

Child: *Sigh*

So in the spirit of discipline, I have come up with a list of people that should have received more spankings. As a spanking advocate, I would also suggest that a nice public spanking would be a good learning tool even at their current ages. I will also suggest the proper instrument with which to administer the spanking. All are bare booty spankings unless otherwise noted.

1. Paris Hilton – With bare open hand delivered by her father (It’s been a long time coming.) In the center of Madison Square Garden before a crowd of thousands.

2. Crispin Glover – With belt delivered by Steven Spielberg on the set of the David Letterman show.

3. Brad Pitt – With cricket bat delivered by Jennifer Aniston on the set of Oprah.

Spanking with Cricket bat

4. Bill Clinton – With yard stick delivered by Hillary Clinton at live press conference. (She would win the presidency if that happened.)

5. Hillary Clinton – With bare hand delivered by Bill Clinton on covered booty to save the public from seeing Hillary’s wrinkled old booty. On Today show.

6. Nicole Richie – With bare hand delivered by Lionel Richie on his newest album cover.

7. Tom Cruise – With lightning bolts delivered by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard in front of Will Smith for good measure.

8. Jimmy Swaggart – Delivered by the hand of God at judgment day before the heavenly hosts.

Swaggart after spanking

If you guys think of any more, list them in the comments section. If we get enough, maybe I will start a new page just for this.

Frog

Are you sure you want to do this? Truly?

Well before you do, there are some things you may want to consider. What about our friendship? What about the many years we spent lollygagging around? The eating contests. The diving competitions. What about those?

Remember that time we went to the fair and you fell? It was scary wasn’t it? Did you think you would die? I caught you that time, but will I be there next time you fall off the ferris wheel? Think about that.

Green frog

If you do what you are thinking about doing it might be over between us. No more jumping hopping or skipping together. No more trips to the museum.

What about that?

Do you really want to go to the museum alone. All those people walking around looking at old stuff without me there with you. That old lady with the gigantic purse. What does she have in that purse anyway? She could probably keep four Monopoly sets in there.

She probably has Simpsons Monopoly, Star Wars Monopoly, Nascar Monopoly, and the 30th aniversary edition Monopoly in there. Do you seriously want to go to the museum without me there to point that out?

Frog school

There might be large families at the museum. Two parents with six kids. The mom might be carrying the baby carelessly with one arm while chasing a three year old away from the dinosaur bones. The oldest teen might be texting her boyfriend while the second oldest teases her relentlessy about it.

All the while the dad looks tired and foot-sore. You can tell that he doesn’t want to be there. The mom probably dragged him away from watching football for this. He half-heartedly tries to keep the kids in line, but by the way he keeps checking his watch you know he has plans elsewhere.

But if you do what you are planning, I won’t be there to stop you from tripping the seven year old that stuck his gum on the marble statue of President Washington. What would happen then? would the tired dad notice? Would the mother look at you with horror in her eyes? How long would the seven year old lay on the floor in shock before rolling over and looking at you with accusing eyes? Do you want that on your concience?

DO YOU?

If you do as you are planning there will be no more jumping on my trampoline. That’s right, I won’t bounce you higher. I know you think you are a great jumper and all, but let me tell you a secret. All those times that you thought you had jumped a new record, I totally gave you that bounce.

No more checker tournaments. No more badmitton. No more rock skipping at the lake.

And next Thanksgiving I’m totally not eating your pie for you.

That’s right.

Grandma Edna will keep scooting the plate closer to you, but I wont take the piece while she isn’t looking. I love pecan pie but I can get my own piece. Granny’s eyes will look at you with a questioning gaze. Her eyebrows will raise in concern, crinkling her forehead. She will ask you why you aren’t eating that slice of pie. The pie that Gransy made with her own withered hands.

She picked those pecans out at the store. She made that pie crust with her own recipe. She toasted the pecans. She poured the sugar. She hummed those old 40’s dance tunes while she worked. The whole time it was cooking, she thought about how much you loved her pie. She knew that you would eat it up, crumbs and all. Then you would thank her and give her a sugary kiss on the cheek.

But not this year. Not if you do as you plan. You know she won’t take the “I am full” excuse either. Do you want to break her poor old heart?

Frog in water

So stop and think about what you are doing. Judy won’t call anymore after this. Billy won’t play ball with you. Remember Elisabeth, that shy girl who kissed your firehead at the picnic and left that red smear of lipstick? She won’t do that again. Not after this

I won’t be there to comfort you either. Sure you might enjoy the solitude for a while. Maybe for a short time you might relish the thought that no one will tease you anymore. But when that brief moment has passed and you start missing us, it will be too late. You won’t get us back. Not again.

Last time you tried this we forgave you. I took you to the mall with me the very next day. Sure you almost got thrown out, but that was good times. That security guard chased us, but we were too fast for him. He must have been like eighty pounds overweight. He might be fast enough to catch that old lady we saw sneaking that candy bar into her purse, but not us. All he could do was clutch his side and bend over, breathing heavily while talking into his walkie talkie. No one saw us go out the side door of the JC Pennys.

Who knows what would have happened if he had caught you. Would you be banned from the mall? Would he have called your parents. By the look of that guy he might even have eaten you. You escaped that time with my help. But not again.

But all that’s in the past. Your plans will make sure we don’t have that kind of fun again. So let me ask you one last time,

Are you sure you want to do this?

sad frog

Junk drawer #2

It has been several days since my last post and I feel guilty. The thing is that no one thing has sparked my interest enough to do a full article on. And, to tell the truth, that Crispin Glover research burned me out. So I have several small things of interest to compile together in to one big mess. Enjoy.

IceHole Report:

Over the last week or so, it has been just warm enough for the gigantic piles of snow to begin melting, but cold enough that it freezes before it can drain anywhere. So depending on the time of day, there are either deep pools of black water to drive through or long sheets of black ice. Yay Idaho!

It has still been snowing off and on, but it usually melts by the end of the day. Therefore my philosophy has been “Why Shovel?”. Unfortunately sometimes this is a bad philosopy and even though my driveway is mostly clear, my sidewalks are coated in ice. Yay me!

Rifftrax:

Matrix Rifftrax

So lately the Rifftrax releases have been a bit sparse. The rapid pace of one new Rifftrax a week has settled down and it has been one every other week. But yesterday I saw a new short on the Rifftrax Site.

Then on the Rifftrax Blog I read a new interview with Mike in which he said that they had been busy riffing a DOZEN shorts. These shorts will cost .99 on their site and will be fully downloadable via Divx. Now this is big news for any of you MST3K fans out there. The shorts are some of the funniest things that MST ever did and the Rifftrax guys do them just as well.

Here is a MST3K short to wet your whistle:

or two: (With Mellissa Gilbert)

I’m not going to post any Rifftrax shorts because I don’t want to take away their money. Instead I will plead with you to buy some trax on your own so that they will keep making more. I assume that the Dozen shorts they completed will be doled out over time on the Rifftrax site so keep your eyes out for more.

I took their latest one and remastered it to go on at the beginning of my Rifftrax DVD of Star Trek V. Mrs. Edge and I watched it last night and it was hilarious. The short was great and Mike and Kevin’s riffing of Trek was superb. Mike does a great Sulu impression by the way.

The only thing was that they truly seemed to hate the movie. Usually, the jokes are light hearted, but this one reminds me of the Rifftrax of the Star Wars prequels. The venom spewed at Shatner for directing this subpar film is acrid. Hilarious but acrid. It will be interesting to watch the other Trek Riffs and see if they are as intense.

Oh and I bought the Matrix Reloaded Riff but I haven’t watched it yet.

Family:

Doller Pie

The fambly is doing well. Pie Girl has been sick the last couple of days with some kind of virus. She mopes around. Thank goodness she stopped all the moaning when she found it hurt her sore throat. So now it is quiet moping. Thank goodness.

The Doller girl ate baby food for the first time this week. Mmmmmmm carrots.

Carrot face

Now only a tiny amount of what you see actually got down her throat but she seemed happy to be trying it out.

Carrot eating grin

Utah Jazz:

Sorry Girls, no update on Kyle Korver’s girlfriend.

Well, I lied.

Girfriend sighting:

Kyle Korver Girlfriend

Hah! I kill Me!

If the playoffs started today, Utah would have the #4 seed and we would be playing the New Orleans Chris Pauls. That is a pretty favorable situation because we own those losers. Deron Williams always get up to play against his old buddy Christophine.

Misc:

I have to share a site with you guys. It is http://mitchellrose.com/. These are the short films of Mitchell Rose and they are fantastic. Here are a couple of samples. Hilarious stuff.

And I’ll leave you with this one. My favorite.

Junk drawer

As any of my regular readers know, I am not a mini-blogger. I don’t post a sentence or paragraph a day. I tend to write essays or large articles. Hence there are a lot of subjects that I have an interest in that I don’t get around to writing about.

So sad

I know. This is a travesty. But cheer up. Today I unleash an ongoing feature where I unclog my mind of a lot of the cool junk that I can’t quite bear to throw away. My mental junk drawer if you will.

I will tackle it within the framework of my regular categories.

Family:

My parenting style is simple. I’ll call it Clown-style. I joke around with my kids constantly. I know each child more than well enough to know what will make them laugh. So this has become my techinque to call situations down. If they are sad or angry, I tease them mercilessly until they laugh about it. The upside is that they think I am hilarious. The downside is that some times I tease them a bit too much.

My wife is afraid that they will end up with issues.

Anyhoo, my latest way to deal with tantrums is “The Monster Face”

making the Monster Face

Whenever I have a child crying about something unreasonable. I yell “Ah! Run away, he’s turning into a monster!”

“No I’m not!”

Monster face

“Then why are you making the ‘Monster Face’?”

“I’m not!”

“Oh yeah? They why do you look like this?”

I then do a crazy impression of the face they were making. This seems to calm them down. Especially when their siblings agree that that was indeed the face they were making.

They have all come to know it so well, they will call each other on it. “Ooh, you’re making the monster face.”

It has gotten to the point where calling them out on their “Monster Face” makes them instantly try to regain control of themselves and calmly reply, “No I am not.”

MST3K and Rifftrax:

Rifftrax has announced that their new project is The Matrix Reloaded and it will be released on Tuesday Feb 19.

Matrix Reloaded Rifftrax

I am looking forward to this one. I love the first Matrix film. In fact it is one of my favorite all-time movies. I also really enjoyed the Rifftrax version of that one. In fact I had resisted having anything to do with Rifftrax until I saw this scene on YouTube.

I almost died laughing during the Kung Fu training scene and I showed it to Mrs. Edge who was also laughing her head off. Thus began my rapid spiral into obession with all things Rifftrax.

So if Mike Nelson and the boys can win me over by mocking the good one, I am excited to see what they do with the second Matrix film that wasn’t nearly as good as the first.

On a similar note, getting into Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic has opened my heart up to other Mystery Science Theater related projects.

Here are a Few of them that have impressed me.

ESPN’s Cheap Seats:

I don’t know how I missed out on this one since it was the only mainstream MST3K related project around on television. Basically the premise is that two brothers work in the ESPN video library and mock old sports related clips.

It is hilarious stuff. The show ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006 and had four seasons. The episodes have not been released on DVD but they are available through torrent sites. Too bad so many of us MST3K fans missed this one. They didn’t forget about us. There was even an episode of season two where Mike and the bots made an appearance. See below.

Fun With Shorts by Josh Way:

I have never been much for fan fiction or fan imitation of television shows. Therefore I had pretty much stayed away from the MST3K imitators. Something we call fan riffing. But I ran across one of Josh Way’s short film riffs and I couldn’t help but grin ear to ear. And laugh like crazy of course. This is the one that got me.

Josh has done a ton of these public domain short films and you can even order them from him in DVD collections. I have had to seek them all out and watch them. They are great. I would love to see Rifftrax invite him on as a guest riffer.

Check out this one that surprisingly stars a young Darren McGavin (The dad from The Christmas Story)

The Utah Jazz:

As popular as Deformio is on my site, he takes a back seat during NBA All-Star Weekend because he decided not to show.

But we have six Jazz players that are involved in some way or another with the All-Star festivities.

Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milsap participated in the Rookie-Sophmore challenge on TNT last night and it was pretty fun. They were bench players for the sophmore team and did pretty well. Ronnie ended up with 13 points in 17 minutes and Paul had a nice block, but they aren’t really the kind of players that are spotlighted by this kind of game.

milsapjpg.jpg

Our guys are team players. Ronnie can be flashy at times with his athleticism and Thunderous dunks, but these guys are trained to pass the ball and spread the floor within the Jazz system. They aren’t prone to the kind of selfish play that puts you in the spotlight. It was okay though. They looked like they were having fun.

Ronnie Brewer headband

The Dnews had an article this morning teasing Ronnie about wearing a headband during the game. That isn’t allowed under team rules during regular games.

Later today our two rookies, Morris Almond and Kyrylo Fesenko will take part in the D-league Allstar game This will be fun because we haven’t been able to see much of their play this year as they have been in the D-league instead of traveling with the team.

Fes

Morris Almond has been rocking the D-league this year and is the leading scorer. He has had two 50+ point games and one of them was the D-league record with 57 pts. I will update this article if anything amazing happens.

Update: Morris had 20 points on 8-10 shooting. Fes had 14 pts and 8 rebounds. Their team won 117-99

Morris Almond Joy

Deron Williams was snubbed for the Allstar game this year, but he was invited to take part in the Skills Challenge. This is basically an obstacle course for basketball. He is well suited for this kind of event so this should be fun.

Update: Wow. Deron Williams won the skills challenge with a time of 25.5 seconds. Now at the skills challenge, they announced that he had made a new record time but in the morning papers they said that he was one tenth of a second away from breaking the record.

Deron Rules

Then on Sunday, Carlos Boozer will be in the Allstar Game. Again I will update the article if he astounds us.

Update: He had limited minutes but made the best of them, scoring 14 points and racking up 10 rebounds, one of only two players with a double double in the game. Unfortunately he is not Mr. Flashy so the coaches didn’t give him much time to pad his stats.

Carlos Boozer kicks anus

Also last night, Karl Malone made an appearance on Inside the NBA to get after Charles Barkley about making fun of his draft-night suit for all these years. Man I miss Karl Malone. See the hilarity ensue:

Video Games:

I am a big RPG fan. I love all things Final Fantasy for instance. Here are the unfinished games on my shelf:

Fanal Fantasy 12. Ever since I have gotten my Xbox 360 I have not went back and finished this Playstation 2 game. I really need to.

Oblivion. This game rules. I bought the add-ons and have beaten most of the side quests. I have not finished the main quest of the game yet, but I was so burnt out on it that it has been sitting for a while.

Two Worlds. This is a game with so much potential that fell short. I love the play style and many of the dynamics of it but I have never beaten the game. I could probably do so easily but in trying to explore every inch of the game, I burnt myself out on it also. Now if only they release that expansion that is supposed to fix many of the broken aspects of the game, I might be able to get back into it.

Blue Dragon. I just bought this game last week and so far I am having fun with it. It is pretty kind of cartoony and reminds me of the earlier Final Fantasy games. This makes sense because it was created by several of the original Final Fantasy guys. The game is also huge. It is three DVD disks long. I can’t quite figure out why they needed that much space yet, but I am looking forward to finding out.

Mass Effect. I really enjoyed the depth of this game but it felt a little short to me. It was made by the people behind the two Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic games and it has a similar feel minus the lightsabers. I beat it once and have started back through it on the Hardcore setting. Good Game. Looking forward to the sequel.