Category: History


Stop! Hammer Time . . . 100th post!!!

99th post
Hello, Edgewriter here.

Here at post.com(tm), you know that we are not a pun site. We simply enjoy giving you pictures of posts.
So I am commemorating our 100th post.

100th post

Now the challenge begins. Can you find all 100 posts on the site? They are hidden all over. It may get a bit difficult, but there is a big reward in store for the first one to email me the locations of all 100 posts. This is Egdewriter’s first major contest. The winner will receive the opportunity to write our 200th post. (Not photo of a post.)

101st postage

    Let the Post hunting begin!!!


Here are some hints.

102nd post
(Noun)
1. a strong piece of timber, metal, or the like, set upright as a support, a point of attachment, a place for displaying notices, etc.
2. Furniture. one of the principal uprights of a piece of furniture, as one supporting a chair back or forming one corner of a chest of drawers. Compare stump (def. 11).
3. Papermaking. a stack of 144 sheets of handmolded paper, interleaved with felt.
4. Horse Racing. a pole on a racetrack indicating the point where a race begins or ends: the starting post.
5. the lane of a racetrack farthest from the infield; the outside lane. Compare pole1 (def. 4).
6. Computers. a. a message that is sent to a newsgroup.
b. text that is placed on a Web site.

–verb (used with object) 7. to affix (a notice, bulletin, etc.) to a post, wall, or the like.
8. to bring to public notice by or as by a poster or bill: to post a reward.
9. to denounce by a public notice or declaration: They were posted as spies.
10. to publish the name of in a list: to post a student on the dean’s list.
11. to publish the name of (a ship) as missing or lost.
12. to placard (a wall, fence, etc.) with notices, bulletins, etc.: The wall was posted with announcements.
13. to put up signs on (land or other property) forbidding trespassing:: The estate has been posted by the owner.
14. Computers. a. to send (a message) to a newsgroup.
b. to place (text) on a Web site.

–verb (used without object) 15. Computers. a. to send a message to a newsgroup.
b. to place text on a Web site.

——————————————————————————–

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME, OE < L postis a post, doorpost, whence also D, LG post, G Pfosten]

—Related forms
postless, adverb
postlike, adjective

—Synonyms 1. column, pillar, pile, pole. 6. announce, advertise, publicize.

103rd Shebbear post

Did I mention, we support women’s rights?
104th wommen's sufferage post
and their figures by the way.

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If you look at the world today and see all the reckless irresponsibility, you can pin it all down on one thing. There is just not enough spanking going on.

Spanking Douglass

Kids today often go about with the idea that there are no reprecussions for their actions. They are taught at a young age that the worst they will get for their wrong doings is a good talking to.

As they get older the parents move from time outs to groundings, but it doesn’t take a willful teen long to realize that if they ignore their grounding the worst that they will get is a talking to. And if they ignore additional groundings and/or talking to’s the parent has lost all control of their child. Once a parent has no control over their child, the child has no reason to listen to anything they say.

Belt for spanking

Now when I am talking about spanking I refer to punishment delivered by repeated strikes to the buttocks (Or booty if you prefer). Most often these would be delivered by the open hand, though sometimes a belt or switch could be used.

In days of old, teachers, pastors(shudder), neighbors, or any upstanding adult could deliver a spanking to an unruly child. And when the child complained to their parent, they would just be told “You got what you deserved.”

Spanking paddle

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating a return to those days. I wouldn’t particularly like it if my kid’s teachers spanked them. There is too much opportunity for dicipline to become abuse. I agree that the physical discipline of children should be left to the parents. But these days parents are looked down upon with derision or even horror for spanking their kids. In fact, there are constantly bills being presented to government to outlaw spanking.

There was a day when if you were at the store and your kid threw a fit, you took them over your knee and spanked them right in the aisle. Now if a kid throws a fit you have to put up with it, maybe lean in and threaten them with future harm so quietly that no one else hears you. Because if you did spank that child, there might be three or four empty-headed busybodies on their cell phones calling child protective services. At the least you would get looks of scorn or derision, or pure hatred.

Hillary scowl for spanking

As a result of this atmosphere, here is the typical situation you run into at your local Walmart:

Child: “Waaaaaah I want cookie! Waaaaaaah!”

Empty-headed mom: “Now you know you are on a gluten free diet.”

Child: *Sprawls on the aisle floor kicking his feet* “Waaaaahhhhh! Cookie now!!!”

Empty-headed mom: “Please junior stop.”

Child: *knocks food off of shelf onto the floor* “No!! I want cookie!!! Stupid mom!!”

Empty-headed mom: “But junior-”

Child: “Stupid mom! Stupid Mom! I hate you! Give me cookie!!!!”

Empty-headed mom:
“Now that’s not polite.”

Empty-headed busybody #1: “Oh, I would be happy to buy this boy a cookie if you can’t afford it.”

Empty-headed busybody #2: “You know I read a good book on parenting . . .”

Me: “Spank the kid!”

Double Spanking

We have all seen this scene or one similar to some degree or worse. Why does this happen? First the kid does not respect their parent. At home, the Mom can put the child in time out or turn the TV off for a few hours. In the store, she is utterly defenseless and does not know how to handle the situation. So the kid steamrolls her and the onlookers stupidly try to step in and end her torment.

This child never learned discipline. He never learned that his behavior had consequences. His parents thought that if they just showed him enough love, that they would have his respect. Well children enjoy being shown love, but they also enjoy getting what they want.

What happens to kids that grow up without discipline?

Paris Hilton Needs a Spanking

Don’t let this be your kid.

Now you might be wondering how Edgewriter disciplines his kids. You might even picture me as a howling red-faced child-beating demon. But that is far from the case. My spankings are delivered hand to booty. Some times bare booty some times not, depending on the severity of the offense.

I have four kids and one is far too small (And cute) for such things. I have found that with their different personalities, some respond to spankings, some don’t.

My oldest will be like, “*Sigh* OK” and turn over meekly for her spanking. But she freaks out if sent to her room. So spankings don’t work for her. The boys however take spankings very seriously. If a spanking is threatened, they shape up quick. So the end result is that I rarely have to spank my kids.

Levar loves Spankings

Our trips to Walmart go like this:

Child: “I want a cookie.”

Me: “Not today.”

Child: “Awwww. Please?”

Me: “Nope”

Child: *Sigh*

So in the spirit of discipline, I have come up with a list of people that should have received more spankings. As a spanking advocate, I would also suggest that a nice public spanking would be a good learning tool even at their current ages. I will also suggest the proper instrument with which to administer the spanking. All are bare booty spankings unless otherwise noted.

1. Paris Hilton – With bare open hand delivered by her father (It’s been a long time coming.) In the center of Madison Square Garden before a crowd of thousands.

2. Crispin Glover – With belt delivered by Steven Spielberg on the set of the David Letterman show.

3. Brad Pitt – With cricket bat delivered by Jennifer Aniston on the set of Oprah.

Spanking with Cricket bat

4. Bill Clinton – With yard stick delivered by Hillary Clinton at live press conference. (She would win the presidency if that happened.)

5. Hillary Clinton – With bare hand delivered by Bill Clinton on covered booty to save the public from seeing Hillary’s wrinkled old booty. On Today show.

6. Nicole Richie – With bare hand delivered by Lionel Richie on his newest album cover.

7. Tom Cruise – With lightning bolts delivered by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard in front of Will Smith for good measure.

8. Jimmy Swaggart – Delivered by the hand of God at judgment day before the heavenly hosts.

Swaggart after spanking

If you guys think of any more, list them in the comments section. If we get enough, maybe I will start a new page just for this.

Televangelists

Some folks just have it. Call it charisma if you will. These folks can go places. They often become polititians, actors, or musicians.

These people can be good or bad. Most of them probably start out good. The thing is that people with charisma soon learn that they can use that charisma to make money. Money can easily corrupt people. That is often what turns a charismatic person with the best of intentions to corruption.

This is seen all the time in politics. Some go into politics for power in the first place, but many others go into it with the desire to to good only to be taken down years later with scandal. Such behavior among politicians is well documented and expounded upon on countless sites so I won’t go on about it here.

Jimmy

The thing is that many charismatic people also go into the ministry. This is one place that people should be able to withstand corruption. It’s teaching about God for goodness sake. They are standing in front of people that need comfort, people looking for direction. But what do some of them do to these people? While one hand pat’s their shoulder (or slaps their forehead), the other steals their wallet.

There are the small timers, like the guys that travel the Navajo indian reservations setting up revival tents and taking the old Navajo ladies’ turquoise jewelry. Then there are the big leaguers. The folks with enormous preaching shows with the lazer lights and the big bands. They take the money of thousands in return for empty platitudes. Televalgelists are the worst of the bunch.

I have yet to see a televagelist that didn’t make me squirm. They aren’t men or women of God. They are con artists. And horrible ones at that. Take TBN for instance. Everything about them is opulent and money hungry. The biggest thing that should tip you off about these criminals is the pink haired mother of the crypt keeper. That bewigged clown lady should scare every person looking for God away.

The Evil Crouches
Clown Lady

Here are some tips for knowing if someone is honestly trying to preach the word of God or just take your money:

1. Is there an entrance fee to their house of worship?

2. Check out their appearance. Do they look like humble servants of God or are they dressed in finery? Do they have multiple rings on their fingers? Jewelry? Tons of Makeup?

3. When passing the collection plate around, do they pressure you for more? Do they tell you how much to pay? Do they tell you where this money is going?

4. Do some research about them. How much of this money goes to charity and the Lord’s work? How much do they keep for themselves? Is it a comfortable living or do they live in a mansion? Did Jesus have a mansion built for his teaching?

I understand that a full time minister needs to be able to live, but is it God’s way for his sevants to become wealthy off of the money of the poor? Most of these people are snakes in preacher clothing. It’s people like this that make the rest of the world think Christians are crazy.

In my opinion these scum of the earth deserve to be brought down a bit. So I must admit that I love those Farting Preacher videos. What these people do is despicable. So why don’t you laugh at them with me? It may make you feel better.

This is the first one I ever saw. It is still hilarious.

Kungfu Farting Preacher.

Screaming Farting Preacher. This guy is so Evil. When the lady says she doesn’t feel anything, he calls her a liar. Holy crap.

Mrs. Farting preacher 1

Mrs. Farting Preacher 2

Preacher Potpourri 1

Preacher Potpourri 2

Evil televangelists Exposed:

Peter Popoff

Kenneth Copeland


And Finally Here Is A Preacher That Gets It:

Mixed Nuts: The Peanut Conspiracy

No, I’m not talking about the men’s locker room at The Olympics.
I’m not talking about the mediocre 1994 Steve Martin comedy of the same name.
I’m talking about this:

Crap! Who spilled my nuts?

I know, I know. it looks like an innocent photograph, but if you look closer you will notice that there are very few beans in the mix. In truth, if you ordered that can of Mixed nuts, there would be at least 50% beans (legumes). That’s right there would be at least 50% of those fiendish little poisonous time bombs that we all call “peanuts” thrown in with the good stuff.

Peanuts are beans

Today we will examine the history of the Peanut Conspiracy and how it touches our daily lives today. Prepare to be frightened people, because this is some scary stuff.

This all began in the 1800s when some racist European Colonists started selling these beans to the the Africans in the hopes that many of them would die from peanut allergies. Their little plan actually did kill many people, but with medical technology as primitive as it was back then, no one knew the cause.

These “peanuts” were brought over to the US and became a popular crop in the south. Again many people died not only from allergies, but from exposure to toxins in peanuts that were not properly stored.

The evil side of George Washington Carver

The possible danger of these “peanuts” was discovered by the inventor George Washington Carver who as we all know ate babies. Mr. Carver hated human life and wanted to destroy it in as insidious a manner as possible. So he distributed a list of recipes using peanuts and created 100 products from peanuts in an attempt to poison as many people as possible in as many ways as he could.

Mr Carver learned of a company called Planter’s Peanuts in Pennsylvania and during one of his trips to that part of the country, he stopped in and spoke to the president of the company, Mr. Amedeo Obici. Exactly how the conversation went is not known, but soon therafter Planters put out their first batch of “mixed nuts”.

Mixed nuts indeed

Now the place where I hypothesize Mr. Carver’s evil genius comes in is in the ratio of peanut to true nut. In those early batches of “mixed nuts” one would be lucky to find 5% true nuts. It was a special prize if you found a brazil nut in there. A kid that got a Macadamia nut was once elected class president at his high school. His campaign was “Vote Barney. He’s a lucky nut.”

This went on for over half a century. Mixed nuts were completely unregulated. In 1974 one congressman grew particularly perturbed when his lung collapsed after a bad peanut allergy attack. He demanded an investigation into peanut companies. Consumer reports did their own study and found that cans of mixed nuts at the time contained an average of 75% peanuts and often just had two or three varieties of nuts.

On March 15th 1977 the FDA came out with a new standard of identity for mixed nuts. From then on for a can to be labeled “mixed nuts” it had to contain at least four varieties on nuts and be at least 85% full. The label also had to state what percentage of the mixed nuts were peanuts.

This ad was produced as a result. “Special nuts indeed”:

Today that FDA standard still exists. George Washington Carvers wish for the extermination of human kind never did come to pass, but you must still beware of the peanut and Mixed Nuts in general. Even if you buy a can of nuts that claims to be “peanut free” be careful. These nuts are often packaged in the same factory as the peanuts and get a liberal sprinkling of peanut dust.

As a side note, Planters Peanuts is still out there implementing their dastardly plans. They have ramped up their adverising efforts in recent years in an attempt to kill even more people.

Here is an ad designed to appeal to crazy people.

And in their latest ad, Planters tries to seduce the ugly chick demographic.

Junky Drawers

Once again my mind is filled with many small things that by themselves are perhaps unworthy of a stand-alone post. But together they make one heck of a mess and that sounds just about right for one of my articles. So let’s get started shall we?

First of all, there has been some confusion about my last article which was about a boy talking to his pet frog who is trying to escape. I apologize for the confusion. And I know that the frog in the video was freaky. Can you imagine walking across your lawn at night and hearing that sound come from near your feet in the darkness? Again I apologize.

Mitchell and Webb

While reading the Rifftrax Blog the other day I came across a youtube video posted by our good pal Bill Corbett. It perfectly illustrates the frustration of a screenwriter pitching his work to hollywood.

It made me laugh several times and I had to seek out more information about the comedians in the sketch. They are called Mitchell and Webb and are big hits in the UK but are relatively unknown in the US.

Their current show “that Mitchell and Webb look” airs on BBC America on the weekends so you can check it out. Here are a few more sample clips to whet your whistle. (Mild expletive warning!)

Nazi officers realizing that they are the bad guys:

A Mr B Natural story gone bad.

Naming a dry cleaners:

Child with a BOOTY for a face:

They are also PC and Mac guys for the UK commercials.

Rifftrax:

Rifftrax Matrix Reloaded

I finally got around to watching the Rifftrax of Matrix Reloaded the other night with Mrs. Edge. We both enjoyed it immensely. They ripped appart the massively stupid sex/rave scene that took up half of the film for one. They also accurately picked the moment in the film where the Matrix franchise jumped the proverbial shark.

Oh and for you insiders, bacon jokes are scattered throughout along with the obligatory Schnappi reference.

The original Matrix Rifftrax is the one that started it all for me and the second one is even better.

Also, the Riffers have taken on some new political ads. Here are a couple of my favorites:

There are more on my previous political post.

Completely 100% not not true:

In my previous article on the history of Asparagus Pee I left out one interesting factoid.

Island of Bhuti

On the island of Bhuti in the Indian Ocean, the Palahunga tribe makes many of varieties of distinctive dyes. These dyes are made from the various plant and insect species native to the island and are highly sought over by yarn manufacturers for their brilliant colors.

The most sought after of these dyes is called Bhutipee #5. It is a gorgeous deep purple hue and sells for over 150 dollars per ounce. (Which, being highly concentrated can actually dye 10 skeins of high quality alpaca yarn.) These skeins of yarn can sell for $50-100 each. (No, Mrs. Edge! Put the credit card down and back away slowly . . .)

Bhutipee Alpaca yarn

What is very interesting is that the beautiful purple hue of this yarn comes from a mixture composed from the musk glands of a beetle native to the island (The Bhuti Beetle) and asparagus pee.

How did such a thing come to pass?

Asparagus was brought to the islands in the 1700’s by british explorers coming out of India. The lush climate on the island was perfect for the growth of Asparagus and the vegetable flourished. It grew so well there in fact that it became seen by the inhabitants as a weed. Still there were some of the tribe that enjoyed the flavor of this new vegetable.

As the story goes, one day a dyemaker’s son was stepped on a bhuti beetle and the stink of the beetle clung to him. In order to get rid of the musk from a bhuti beetle, the traditional method is to pee on it. Something in the urine counteracts the smell. Evidently this time when the boy peed on it, his foot turned purple. He screamed and though he had contracted some horrible skin disease, but over time they realized that it was something else. His foot had become dyed purple.

Bhutipee purple dye

Now being a tribe of dye makers, it occured to them to find out where this beautiful purple came from. The musk of a bhuti beetle is quite colorless normally and they had never seen this result before. It took the quite a while to realize that the reason his foot had turned purple was because he had eaten large quantities of asparagus before stepping on the beetle and even though his urine was yellow and the beetle musk was colorless, a chemical reaction in the musk turned the urine that delightful purple color.

Utah Jazz:

Kyle Korver Girlfriend sighting:

Leave Kyle Korver Alone!

I have been asked to leave Deformio alone by this lady above. She wouldn’t say, but I am almost sure it is Kyle Korver’s girlfriend. I know that some of you have told me that this is a guy, but anyone with that voice is 100% woman.

On a side note, Deformio has come out of his shooting slump in the last couple games and has been ripping the nets for the Jazz. It was in large part thanks to him that we beat Dallas and Detroit recently.

Go Deformio!

Frog

Are you sure you want to do this? Truly?

Well before you do, there are some things you may want to consider. What about our friendship? What about the many years we spent lollygagging around? The eating contests. The diving competitions. What about those?

Remember that time we went to the fair and you fell? It was scary wasn’t it? Did you think you would die? I caught you that time, but will I be there next time you fall off the ferris wheel? Think about that.

Green frog

If you do what you are thinking about doing it might be over between us. No more jumping hopping or skipping together. No more trips to the museum.

What about that?

Do you really want to go to the museum alone. All those people walking around looking at old stuff without me there with you. That old lady with the gigantic purse. What does she have in that purse anyway? She could probably keep four Monopoly sets in there.

She probably has Simpsons Monopoly, Star Wars Monopoly, Nascar Monopoly, and the 30th aniversary edition Monopoly in there. Do you seriously want to go to the museum without me there to point that out?

Frog school

There might be large families at the museum. Two parents with six kids. The mom might be carrying the baby carelessly with one arm while chasing a three year old away from the dinosaur bones. The oldest teen might be texting her boyfriend while the second oldest teases her relentlessy about it.

All the while the dad looks tired and foot-sore. You can tell that he doesn’t want to be there. The mom probably dragged him away from watching football for this. He half-heartedly tries to keep the kids in line, but by the way he keeps checking his watch you know he has plans elsewhere.

But if you do what you are planning, I won’t be there to stop you from tripping the seven year old that stuck his gum on the marble statue of President Washington. What would happen then? would the tired dad notice? Would the mother look at you with horror in her eyes? How long would the seven year old lay on the floor in shock before rolling over and looking at you with accusing eyes? Do you want that on your concience?

DO YOU?

If you do as you are planning there will be no more jumping on my trampoline. That’s right, I won’t bounce you higher. I know you think you are a great jumper and all, but let me tell you a secret. All those times that you thought you had jumped a new record, I totally gave you that bounce.

No more checker tournaments. No more badmitton. No more rock skipping at the lake.

And next Thanksgiving I’m totally not eating your pie for you.

That’s right.

Grandma Edna will keep scooting the plate closer to you, but I wont take the piece while she isn’t looking. I love pecan pie but I can get my own piece. Granny’s eyes will look at you with a questioning gaze. Her eyebrows will raise in concern, crinkling her forehead. She will ask you why you aren’t eating that slice of pie. The pie that Gransy made with her own withered hands.

She picked those pecans out at the store. She made that pie crust with her own recipe. She toasted the pecans. She poured the sugar. She hummed those old 40’s dance tunes while she worked. The whole time it was cooking, she thought about how much you loved her pie. She knew that you would eat it up, crumbs and all. Then you would thank her and give her a sugary kiss on the cheek.

But not this year. Not if you do as you plan. You know she won’t take the “I am full” excuse either. Do you want to break her poor old heart?

Frog in water

So stop and think about what you are doing. Judy won’t call anymore after this. Billy won’t play ball with you. Remember Elisabeth, that shy girl who kissed your firehead at the picnic and left that red smear of lipstick? She won’t do that again. Not after this

I won’t be there to comfort you either. Sure you might enjoy the solitude for a while. Maybe for a short time you might relish the thought that no one will tease you anymore. But when that brief moment has passed and you start missing us, it will be too late. You won’t get us back. Not again.

Last time you tried this we forgave you. I took you to the mall with me the very next day. Sure you almost got thrown out, but that was good times. That security guard chased us, but we were too fast for him. He must have been like eighty pounds overweight. He might be fast enough to catch that old lady we saw sneaking that candy bar into her purse, but not us. All he could do was clutch his side and bend over, breathing heavily while talking into his walkie talkie. No one saw us go out the side door of the JC Pennys.

Who knows what would have happened if he had caught you. Would you be banned from the mall? Would he have called your parents. By the look of that guy he might even have eaten you. You escaped that time with my help. But not again.

But all that’s in the past. Your plans will make sure we don’t have that kind of fun again. So let me ask you one last time,

Are you sure you want to do this?

sad frog

Edgewriter gets political?!?!?

Hah! not really, folks. Just doing some political Lampooning. Since I don’t really love any of the candidates in the race, why not take them all on?

Hillary looks good to Obama
Obama is either sending daggers her way or he thinks she’s HOT. You can almost see steam coming out of his nose.

Obama calling the pigs
Obama at the national pig calling competition. He is right in the middle of a Soooooooie!

McCain Mad
When McCain realized that the media doesn’t love him anymore. *tear*

RIFFTRAX:

My buddies at Rifftrax have decided to help me out on this one. Here are their campain ad riffs. Hilarious stuff and party nuetral. All with commentary by the beloved sage, Mike Nelson.


That Hillary. Always ruining Christmas for everyone.


If only Mike Huckaby was really on the Free Pen bandwagon, he might get my vote.


Obama for change. Now that idea is something I can stand behind.


McCain proves he can take the correct action for our future.


Caucasing is easy. Because even though Bill can’t resist a burger, and some guys can’t help but do the pointy finger dance, it is easy to stand in a locked room with 100 people you have never met for an hour. Huh?

If you liked those, here are a couple “vintage” campaign ads for the California governor race.


The Phil Angelides experience.


Schwarzenegger not a baby.

Update 3/5/08:

Riffrax has a new round of political ads out that are hilarious. Here is a sample:

Check the rest of them out HERE.

Jell-O-Riffic

Jello!

Ahh Jello. Doesn’t that make you want to sit down with Bill Cosby and some Coolwhip?

Today’s very serious topic is the Evil Jell-O conspiracy.

In 1845 an unscrupulous anti-cow scientist named Peter Cooper patented a formula for making geletin out of geese bones. He soon traded the formula to would be dictator Pearle B. Waite and his wife Eva for an unknown number of avian animal parts.

The couple created a concoction of Gelatin and fruit flavors combined with mind controlling drugs and began distributing it under the name Jell-O. The dessert was weakly flavored, but effective. Thousands upon thousands of mindless drones bought and slurped the product eagerly.

Jello 1923

But before the Waite’s power became absolute, one knight in shining armor, a man named Francis Woodward, rode the couple down on his white charger and forced them at the tip of his sword to sell him the patent for a measley $450.00. At first things were calm. But the public clamored for this strange substance. It seems that the addictive qualities of this Jell-O, perhaps obtained from the succulent bones of the silverback goose, had caused a dessert lust outbreak.

Then out of the blue, Mr. Woodward’s Genesee Pure Food Company began selling it in amounts unequaled before. It is still unknown whether Mr. Woodward was corrupted by the sheer power contained in the substance or if he was blackmailed into doing so.

In 1904 Genesee Pure Food Company hired and sent out countless legions of Jell-o cookbook salesmen set upon addicting the entire country. These purveyors of geletanic insanity have become known to historians as The Strawberry Flood.

Jello 1923

By the 30’s America was firmly caught in the grip of this fruity confection. But there were dissidents as well. People were angry about the mixing of fruit into an animal based product. Protesters began roaming the streets shouting down the abuse of fruit. These “Fruities” as they were called gathered a large following and became a concern for the renamed Jell-O Company.

To combat the movement the company came out with Jell-O Instant Chocolate pudding in 1936. This intoxicating combination was simply too powerful for the dissidents and they soon faded into obscurity.

That seemed to be the final nail in America’s coffin. The country was set firmly under the heel of the Jell-O conglomerate. They had influence in every branch of the government. They made sure that their desserts were served at White House functions and in the cafeteria of Congress. Their next step was WORLD DOMINATION.

Success was inevitable. By the 60s they were in nearly every corner of the globe. Even Red China was under their spell. Here is a 1960’s instructional video telling the Chinese how to eat it. (This particular video was quickly removed from circulation after they found out that pissing off the Chinese retarded their sales in the area.)

People I am here today to warn you that you have been deceived. The Jell-O company has been allowed to corrupt this land for far too long. Think about it. What have they done to our culture? They taught us that men shouldn’t speak to their wives:

They have also teamed up with space aliens! Look closely and you will see Droppo from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!!

Think people. The drug craze of the 60’s was all part of their designs of the free thinking youth of their time.

If that doesn’t snap you out of your apathy, maybe this will. Watch the most painful Jello Commercial ever. *With more Carol Channing!! Oh and the cast of Hogan’s heroes.*

There. I can see the fog clearing from your eyes. Now is the time to drop the big bomb folks. Now I know that many of you believed that Jell-o was still being made from the nutritious bones of geese, but that is no longer true. Over the years it has changed.

I know what you are thinking. It is now made of cow bones. Hah! You are wrong again. Your delicious dessert is now only 27% bones! The rest comes from cow and pig hides.

PROOF and MORE PROOF

And now I’ll leave you with the most humble performer of all time, Mr. Peter Lemongello. Let his supple voice drive you to revolt against the Jell-o conspirators. Viva la revolution! (Ignore the Pistachio pudding in my bowl)

Scary Crispin Glover

I have spoken to Crispin Glover (Or Crispy, as I will often refer to him.) on several occasions by phone at my work. I didn’t know who he was at the time. His name was a bit unique and sounded familiar, but I didn’t place it.

We spoke for over a half hour on the first occasion. He was ordering something and wanted to get it right. He didn’t seem too strange to me. The next time he called, he was angry. The product he received was not what he expected it to be and he wanted to return it. I guess that with all of the options we had discussed, something got lost in translation. I called him back the next morning to tell him that we would allow him to return it and he became irate. Evidently I had awoken him.

Mad Crispin

Then a year later he called back to order some more. He didn’t remember me I suppose because he was nice, but I remembered the name. That night my wife and I were watched Charlies Angels and as the credits rolled, I saw the name and it all came together for me. I laughed out loud and told my wife what had happenned. I couldn’t believe that I had spoken to George McFly.

Since then I have been interested whenever his name has come up and the more I learn about him, the weirder he gets.

Think McFly Think

Crispy was an only child. His Parents were both actors and they moved to LA when he was five. He went to Mirman School for the academically gifted as a child and went into acting.

He appeared in several different tv shows as a teen but he din’t gain any notoriety until his role in Back To The Future. I think that this is where most of us first saw him.

His quirky portrayal of George McFly was unique and endearing. I think most of us could identify with the geeky outcast high schooler that is preyed upon by the cool guys. Crispy wasn’t the first actor to portray such a role by far, but he owned it. In my opinion, the character of George McFly was one of the best things about that movie.

McFly. What a crack-up!

When the sequels came out, though Crispy wasn’t in them. The story was that he wanted too much money. Crispy says that it is more complicated than that, but chooses not to get too specific on the subject. However, in the second film, the producers decided to hire another actor and put prosthetics on him to make him look like Crispin Glover. This ticked him off. He sued the producers including Stephen Spielberg and he won.

He had his famous appearance on David Letterman around this time:

The thing is that he appeared as the character Rubin Farr from the film he was doing called Rubin and Ed. He was dressed in odd 70’s style clothes and platform shoes and acted very erratic. The thing was, that no one told David Letterman that he was doing this. He came off as if on acid or something (which is still a possibility) and ticked Dave off when he made a karate kick at his head. Dave took a commercial break and kicked him off the set.

What noone knew is that Crispy was ahead of his time with that appearance. Actors do this kind of thing all the time nowadays. When Sacha Baron Cohen did his Borat Film he went on all the talk shows without breaking character as his Borat persona. Will Ferrell does it for his comedic films as well. To this day, Crispy refuses to admit that it was him and not the character Rubin Farr that showed up on Letterman’s show that day.

Rubin Farr burying a cat in the desert

After that appearance, he went into a self-imposed leave of absence from Hollywood. Where he could have used the fame caused by his role as George McFly to land some good high paying parts, he chose to appear only in minor roles in obscure films. Instead he focused on making bizarre records and art books. He claims that he feels guilty appearing in mainstream pictures. Whenever he did show up in mainstream movies, he stole his minor scenes with his manic energy and odd charisma.

Here is a clip from a music video he directed for his album “The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be ” Warning: Disturbing imagery here. I find it funny, but unsettling. “Clowny Clown Clown.”

Crispy says that his inspirations come from directors like David Lynch and Stanley Kubrick and a bunch of obscure indy film makers that make stuff the mainstream public can’t stomach. His personal works sure show it. If he isn’t fettered by a sane director or script, he goes right off the deep end.

Here he reads a excerpt from his book “What it is and How it is Done”

During his time away from mainstream movies he began work on a feature film of his own. It is a film called “What is it?”. It starts mostly mentally handicapped people and is a surrealistic nightmare. He worked on it for ten years, and used the profits from his film parts to make it. He has not released it in theaters and only shows the film in small screenings around the country where he presents it himself along with readings from his books.

Crispy has recently decided that appearing in mainsteam films shouldn’t make him feel “guilty” because he can use the profits to fund his own pet projects. No word yet on which pets will be starring in these projects. However he has completed the sequel to “What is it?” called “Everything is Fine” That stars a serial killer with cerebral palsy that is irresistible to women in his own mind. He wants to show that even handicapped people can be bad people. Yay.

So having delved a bit into the mind and past of Crispy Hellmaniac Glover, one has to ask. Is he for real? It is hard to say.

Is he putting on a front and is actually an Andy Kaufmanesque comedian, putting on a show with his own exotic brand of humor and laughing at us while we look at him in confusion? He may be. In interviews, he seems to delight in the reactions that people have to his work. He points out how his stuff has spread on Youtube and laughs about reactions to his Letterman appearance, saying that he won’t confirm or deny that he even appeared on the show. Here are a couple more clues to suggest that this may be the case. Link, Link.

Creepy Crispy

Could it be that he is a mentally sick person or on drugs or both? He seems to speak disdainfully of the idea that he is on drugs, but he never denies it. Or is he simply one of those odd independant film maker elitists that create crap just to get a rise out of people because they figure that the only way to be heard is to yell really loudly? I don’t know the answer and I won’t be seeing his self directed films, but I know that I won’t be able to resist enjoying his work in mainstream films.

At any rate, here is one last weird vid. It is a music video for a cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Ben.” Crispy recorded it for the sound track to the Movie Willard that he starred in. (And did a great job in by the way.) Warning: Disturbing imagery and it gets a bit risque. But I can’t help but enjoy his rendition even if the video is bizarrely crappy.

Have a dollop of Mayo. Yum!

Ohhhhh Baby

Recently it has come to my attention that there are a group of people out there that abstain from using any condiments on their food. I don’t know the reason why, but the only thing that makes sense to me is that they are in some kind of new religion. Some religion that has added a new commandment.

It probably goes something like:
#11 Thou shalt not put the ketchup on thy burger, neither the mustard on thy hot dog. Thy tuna shall be dry and free of any mayo, nor shalt though put the barbecue sauce on thy ribs.

Ugh. Not a religion I could get into, I’ll tell you that. Unless the religion was just against British condiments. Not so big on the Mint Sauce and Marmite myself.

Weird

As I type this, I am eating a salami and cheese sandwich slathered with mayo and yellow mustard. You know the reason this is good is the mayo and mustard. You could substitute almost any bread, meat, or cheese and as long as it had the mayo and yellow mustard, it would still be just as good.

Because I am so passionate about the subject of condiments, It is probably wise that I stick with one today. So I will begin with one of my favorites:

Mayo!!!

Now the video above made one big mistake. Hellmann’s Mayo is not the good stuff. In my humble opinion, you can tell whether the mayo in front of you is going to be good or gross by the color. The best mayo is bright white. It gets cheaper and grosser the yellower it gets.

That's nice

See how brightly white the mayo is on that cracker? Then see this.

eegh

It’s enough to make you hurl, ain’t it? Don’t let yourself be fooled. If it says real Mayo, make sure it isn’t yellow. Never buy mayo in a colored or covered bottle.

I know this because as a mayonnaise connoisseur, I have bought and tried many different brands of Mayo over the years. The best one I have found for reasonable prices is Kraft Real Mayonnaise.

The good stuff.

The worst looking mayo I have ever seen is below. I could never bring myself to try it. But this guy recommends it over that beautiful white mayonnaise..
Hurp!

Now try to knock that disgusting image out of your head. I know it’s hard but I’m not quite done talking about delicious creamy mayo yet, so I need you to man up. I know, let’s cleanse your mental palate with this. Envision a cool tall glass of pink lemonade.

Ahhhhhh

Now add a dollop of mayo and mix it all up!! Hah hah, just kidding. Sorry I couldn’t resist. Forget what I said, just keep that pure lemonade in your mind for a moment . . . . Feel better? Ok moving on.

Being from the south, there is one tradition in my family that no one else I have met does. In fact everyone grimaces at the idea until they try it. We put mayo in our mashed potatoes.

Mmmmm

My mom tells the story about how when she first got married she wanted so badly to impress my grandmother. My dad’s mom was a fantastic cook and liked to do everything by herself. So when my mom pleaded with grandma to let her help with dinner, grandma said “Okay you can do the mashed potatoes.” Imagine my grandma’s shock when my mom slopped a heaping helping of mayo in the taters. She ordered her out of the kitchen. My mom was devastated. She still hasn’t gotten over the humiliation to this day. She’s probably weeping about it right now. I should call her . . . .

Anyway so try mayo in your mashed taters. It is good. As kids we used to spread a thin layer of mayo on saltines. We’d dip pieces of turkey in it too. Tuna salad was a big hit. Gee I hadn’t realized until just now how much mayo I ate as a kid. How many tubs of mayo have I eaten in my lifetime?

Yup

Sheesh, this article has turned kind of sad all of the sudden. Don’t know what to do about that. Oh well, I’m off to drown my sorrow in some mashed taters. Let me leave you with this.

The Gaki No Tsukai Mayonnaise tasting game.
They taste some Mayo blindfolded, then have to figure out which brand they had been given out of 12 varieties. If they are wrong, they get a beating.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Update: I neglected to mention Miraclewhip.

Eww, miracle whip

So, salad dressing VS mayo. First of all, who would spread miracle whip all over their salad?

Eww.

Thank you.