Category: Science


Glen Simmons-Staves, Aug-2002

Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother's who fart in public more than twice a day.

Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother's who fart in public more than twice a day.

HENDERSON, NV – Pregnant women who eat more gas-producing foods give their babies better chances of mature brain development, finds a new study in the September issue of the American Journal of Nutritional Health.
The study also found that mothers who pass gas more often had babies with higher IQ scores compared to those whose mothers who rarely farted, or only in private.
From results of a study by Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com, it was noted that an infant’s ability to comprehend complex family relationships is believed to reflect the gas content of a mother’s midsection, and have associated a mother’s silent farts with a child’s rapid muscle development in their first year of life. Results show that 70 per cent of children under the age of eight who regularly read the Wall Street Journal have mother’s who fart in public more than twice a day.

Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.

Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.

The gassy foods along with another substance, arachidonic acid (which is a key building block in chili and also cabbage) contribute to healthy brain and maturity development.
Infant formula makers, such as Rosetta Products and Nutritional Mead, are beginning to recognize the value of gassy foods and have said they will add dried beans to some of their brands.
In a study by, Cathy Lammentin-Koeler and her colleagues at the University of Hawaii compared intellect levels and newborn eating patterns from 17 random women and their babies. Ten of the women passed gas in significant amounts – assumed to be caused by their diet of chocolate double-dipped onion rings and chili-cheese fries topped with a healthy portion of ranch dressing – while six would fart just on occasion and one (a yoga instructor) that held in her farts until a more “socially appropriate” place was available.
Lammentin-Koeler’s group asked the 17 women about their diets. Surprisingly, ten of the subjects in the study had always eaten a can of chili (out of the can) for breakfast since their late teens. The seven women with low amounts of gas were more likely to be minorities and to have received fewer years of education. They were also five years younger, on average, than those in the high gas category – 24 versus 29 years, according to the report.
All the babies were delivered vaginally, and none of the women had been given drugs known to make newborns gassier, the researchers said.

"Infants born to mothers considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels."

"Infants born to mothers with considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels."

Using a motion-sensing pad to measure breathing and movement during sleep cycles, the researchers found babies of women in the low-gas group had less advanced sleeping patterns than the other more gaseous mothers’ infants. They had a greater ratio of “more active” to “peaceful” sleep, spent more time transitioning between sleeping and waking, and spent less time fully awake than those of women with higher gas levels.
“As an infant matures, normally you would see the infant spending more time passing gas,” Lammentin-Koeler said. “Infants born to mothers with considerable amounts of gas have sleep characteristics of a more mature central nervous system compared with the infants of mothers with poorer gas levels.”

findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn's ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.

findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn's ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.

Jeff McInerny-Rudabaga, director gas expulsion technology at the John F. Kennedy Medical Research Institute and a child development expert, said the findings seemed to echo the importance of passing gas for optimal infant growth, although he noted that many other factors, from volume at delivery, vibratory velocity, vapor content, and methane enrichment, can influence a newborn’s ability to rationalize complex equations, factor dynamic polynomials, and/or decipher multifarious conventions.
Researchers have seen a definite correlation between performance of the anus when egressing methane and motor developmental tests at 9 months of age. However, both Lammentin-Koeler and Rutabaga said there is no way to predict whether a child with less mature sleeping habits in the first week of life will be anything other than less gassy.
“We have to be flexible in our definition of development however,” McInerny Rutabaga said. “With the child who doesn’t fart too well at two months of age, it may be related to the reduced intake of gassy foods, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s going to be a problem with that child. Just remember to give him a heaping helping of processed broccoli and let him rip”

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You’ve already weighed in on the question of whether Red Sonja or X-Men is better for the environment. But, now I’m exploring more pressing issues: Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

Who is better for the environment, Batman or Daredevil?

First, a disclosure: Batman can’t really stomach environmentally irresponsible food products and rarely drinks anything made without distilled water. But he isn’t too keen on the taste of your typical eco-friendly soy products, so consider him a neutral arbiter when it’s concluded that soy is the somewhat more eco-conscious choice.

Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he's very different.

Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he's very different.

That said, it’s not easy to compare the two crime fighters: Batman may be a packaged and well-marketed hero, but environmentally speaking, he’s very different.
Starting with the basics, on his utility belt, Batman carries the “Goo Gun” which is a handheld foam projector that fires an adhesive-like substance to incapacitate his opponents.
The toxic foam has to be added in several risky stages to the gun, and the pressure required for injection is tremendous. Unfortunately, there is nothing at all eco-responsible about this utility. Most foam needs to be made by mixing a number of toxic chemicals and adding a “gassing” agent that forms bubbles which makes the substance cellular.
It’s obvious that the goo gun used by The Caped Crusader is not the same goo gun you might buy at a military surplus store. These chemicals used for Gotham’s Greatest’s utility belt to create the gooy substance for his goo gun feature are highly corrosive, toxic and flammable. Each storage tank would need to be monitored under strict tolerances and would be deadly if released full strength into the environment.

The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned.

The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned.

As a source of heroism, the Daredevil and Batman are both the brand standard and completely unrivaled. Running the gamut of crime-fighting heroes however, The Daredevil has been identified as one of the most environmentally friendly as far has his tactics and style as concerned. Matt Murdock has battled many eco -sensitive cases throughout his distinguished career. Although he used to be more of a swashbuckler, the focus of his after-hours work has evolved into more of a ninja-type style. He honors control of self which counterbalances his feelings of anger and torment.

he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.

he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.

Because of this unique style, the lighthearted, wisecracking hero requires an enormous amount of energy, but sadly because of the amount of converted energy used, and the remarkably poor quality of his diet of greasy pizza and left over chicken wings, he produces lots of waste, and that makes him a major emitter of methane gas.
In comparison, The Dark Knight’s diet is much more energy-efficient than the Daredevil’s, since you get more efficient energy from green plantains, Permian sea shrimp. a dollop of hummus and organic parsley soup.

it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain's henchman.

it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain's henchman.

According to research by Gotham University scientist Derek Parnel, it takes about 14 calories of energy to produce one crime-stopping punch to a typical super-villain’s henchman. Pulling a rug from beneath their feet might require a little less than 10 calories of energy. Under the most optimistic assumptions and also by procuring a slight improvement in their crime-fighting systems a hero could cut down their energy use by at least 25 percent.

digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter's bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it's followed by a liter of diet cola.

digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter's bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it's followed by a liter of diet cola.

By comparison, data suggests that it takes about 0.26 calories of energy just to make a fist with the intent to distribute the force upon a bad guy-which is the usual method of castigation by super heroes. The methods used to evade capture, bodily injury, and counterblows account for about 35 percent of those calories used during a fracas. So, let’s say you’ll need to put 483.73 calories of energy into each hero every 10 – 20 minutes under normal working conditions. “That’s just not possible,” says Parnel. This data makes the Batman approximately 1.3 times more energy-efficient than the Daredevil under a best-case scenario.
As an example, we will mention that digesting of a kilogram of fresh berry pizza yields significantly less greenhouse-gas emission from the Masked Man-hunter’s bowels than digesting a kilogram of pork-based chili from the Daredevil, even if it’s followed by a liter of diet cola.

As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader's diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent's (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes.

As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader's diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent's (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes.

Of course, as we’ve already discussed, The Worlds Greatest Detective doesn’t drink diet cola, or any sugary liquids at all for that matter. He also avoids eating anything requiring eggs that are not from free-rage poultry. However, the process of avoiding these non-eco-friendly products requires energy and produces a significant amount angst which wastes even more energy.
As the British government reported it, The Caped Crusader’s diet is ironically closer to Harvey Dent’s (A.K.A. Two Face) than a typical super heroes. And as Batman may not want to make mention of, producing distilled water takes quite a bit of electricity.

It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.

It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.

A Chili-cheese dogs with a splash of hot sauce is included in about two-thirds of all America’s Super Heroes weekly diets. Indeed, pork products in general offer an interesting case study into how a processed food’s makeup effects the ability to fight crime. Despite animal-rights advocates’ love of free range and organic products, hotdogs aren’t exactly the antagonists of the environmental movement. It seems to be a semi-efficient method of obtaining the energy needed to beat down the members of highly organized crime forces.
Although the vast majority of Super Heroes are genetically modified; their ridiculous diets may be irrelevant, but that fact certainly hasn’t made them popular among many green activists.

In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible.

In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible.

In South America, farmers responding to the massive global demand for Super Heroes-fueled in large part by China’s new Super Villains produced by Wal-Mart-have been accused of doing lasting damage to the Amazon rainforest by building massive fortifications against those that would want to do harm.
But because Super-villains are, on the whole, an eco-conscious bunch, the ruckus they cause making crimes tends to be made in a more eco-friendly way.
In addition to the wind-power initiative introduced by Edward Nigma, The Wal-Mart product line is almost entirely eco-responsible. “Super-villain’s aren’t perfect, but we are trying to make a difference in our own way,” says Dr. Jonathan Crane (A.K.A. The Scarecrow).
The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation’s largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.
But, generally speaking, the fact that its members are environmentally savvy probably makes for a greener planet.

The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation's largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.

The Injustice League is a bit evasive about what percentage of their henchmen are imported from abroad-a spokeswoman (Renee Montoya) for the Injustice League was unable to give Edgewriter.Wordpress.Com specific numbers-and its sale to the nation's largest plasma cannon in 2002 raised some eyebrows.

Nonetheless, Super-villain’s have their environmental downsides, too. A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally. He’s probably going to have to do something about the amount of planet-life that can not survive in sub-zero temperatures before the green community will embrace his cold style of diplomacy.

A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally.

A super-villain like Doctor Victor Fries (Mr. Freeze)-despite his growing popularity is a challenge environmentally.

At the end of the day, the Dark Knight probably has a much bigger environmental impact than Daredevil, but it’s worth keeping in mind: Environmentally, it hurts to scrap with the world’s most horrifying threats.
Is there an environmental quandary that’s been keeping you up at night? Comment to this blog.

Maria Rodger was reaching into the washing machine when she felt something move.

Glen Simmons-Staves Associated Press

2 hours, 26 minutes ago

   

  

 

A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine.

A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine.

 

 

GOTHAM, Mass – A woman got the shock of her life when she found an 8-inch man mixed in with clothes in her washing machine. The man, identified as George Thumb, a distant relative of Tom Thumb, somehow got into the water pipes wearing miniature scuba gear and ended up in Maria Rodger’s 2002 front-loading Kenmore washing machine. 

After Mrs. Rodger took her blue jeans out of the machine Wednesday, she reached back into the load and felt something move.

“I jumped back and all of sudden this little man in tiny scuba gear starts climbing out of the washing machine, it really freaked me out!” Rodger told WMTW-TV.

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn’t want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.   

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn't want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.

Mrs. Rodger quickly closed the lid and called the local police, but they didn't want anything to do with the little man, they suggested she call midget control.

 
 

Once out of the machine, the angry little man wrapped himself around Burgess’s finger, in a choke hold cutting off the blood flow. Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham. 

 

Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham.

Burgess then wrestled the dreadful little man off her finger, took a few photographs for evidence, put him into a small cage and then brought him to the Midget Control office in Gotham.

 

 

 

 

That’s where Julie Leonardo, a midget rehabilitator who works at the National Midget Foundation, identified the small man as George Thumb, great, great grandson of Thomas Thumb (the famous miniature man mentioned in the Guiness Book of World Records. Miniature men typically prey on small rodents, fish and large insects, but are not man killers, she said.

 

Leonardo and Gotham’s Midget Control officer planned to find the angry man a home at a little person’s refuge.

But how the man ended up in the washing machine remains a mystery—he talks just too high to understand what he’s saying.  Burgess guessed he was searching for lost wedding rings in the water pipes and that he somehow made a wrong turn and couldn’t find his way back.  Somehow he ended up in the washing machine and probably got there during the rinse cycle, she said.

In the meantime, Mrs. Rodger said she’s a little paranoid of little people now.

“Now that he’s gone, I’m going to be checking crevices and corners,” She said. “I’m going to be looking in the tub first — before and after, maybe even during, the rinse cycle.”

Eating just 3000 calories a day increases cell growth, tissue generation, study says

Glen Simmons-Staves Associated Press 

3000 - 5000 Calorie per day diet is good.

Having your kids eat 3000 to 5000 calories a day could be the key to increasing their aging processes and in turn allowing your kids to stay home alone sooner, according to a new study.

MONDAY, July 14 (PediaDay News) – Having your kids eat 3000 to 5000 calories a day could be the key to increasing their aging processes and in turn allowing your kids to stay home alone sooner, according to a new study.

Studies have long shown that adding calories increases the aging process in goats and fish.  A popular theory is that more daily calories increases production of the thyroid hormone triiodothyronine (T3), which then increases maturity in your children.  Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says,  head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says,  head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

Your children will be making dinner and driving you to the mall in no time, Dr. Pablo VanNostren says, head of pediatrics at St. St. Claries Medical Center in Stenton, NJ.

 
A new study, by VanNostren found this hormone increase occurs when humans regularly add rich desserts or even just substitute two chocolate chip muffins in place of a turkey sandwich and a salad.   “Maybe they could polish off the sandwich and salad later as long as they are careful to add double ranch dressing,” VanNosren added.

 

 

 

 

 

“Our research provides evidence that calorie enhancement does work in children like it has been shown to work in animals,” VanNostren said in a prepared statement. “The next step is to determine if this in fact can help a young boy to grow a mustache, or a little girl to be able to explain to her mother why she should use environmentally safe household cleansers.  The reason why I’m so certain is that I’ve tried it on my children.  I can attest that my three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”   

The findings, published in the July 2008 issue of The Mature Child, are based on a study of healthy but active, non-smoking, 5 to 6-year-old boys and post pre-school age girls under the age of 8.  For a year, the volunteers participated in either: a calorie-addition group that increased their daily calorie intake by 3000 to 5000 calories per day; a group that stayed on their regular diet and exercised regularly; or a group that maintained its normal routine.

While those in the calorie-addition diet and exercise groups both lost body fat mass, only those in the calorie addition group also had an increased desire to read the front page of the newspaper.

“There is plenty of evidence the calorie addition can increase maturity in children,” VanNostren said. “And parents will live a much easier life because of it.”

VanNostren warned that while adding calories to your children may gain a little weight, but the benefits clearly “outweigh” the side effects.   

The key to maintaining a healthy lifestyle for the adults, VanNostren said, is keeping your young children doing things for you that you don’t want to do yourself.   

My three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”

My three-year old son recently spanked his mother and sent her to her room for forgetting to mop the floor last Sunday.”

 

 

 

 

A burping infant didn’t evoke same response, study found

By Silvia Gunkerton-Stratovinsky, HealthCare Reporter

 

 

MONDAY, July 7 (HealthCare News) — Science may have confirmed what most moms already know: When a woman smells her baby’s fart, certain areas of her brain activate, stimulating happy feelings.

“There’s a definite biological origin to these feelings that mothers have,” said study author Dr. Leonard Sunderton, an assistant professor in the department of pediatrics at Benton College of Medicine in Henderson, NV. “The contrast that showed the most response in the dopaminergic system of the brain was when a mother’s own baby farted compared to an unknown baby fart.”

“A baby’s fart is a very powerful stimulus,” noted Sunderton. “It makes sense biologically. Babies farts are completely and utterly disgusting to their caregivers.  It makes sense that nature would build in a system that would counteract that stimulus.”

 

A woman’s burping infant, or even her baby with a grunting expression, doesn’t evoke the same type of brain response as occurs when her baby farts, the study found.

Sunderton said they haven’t had a chance to look at the effects on fathers. His team published its findings in the June issue of Pedia-tricks.

For the study, the researchers recruited 28 first-time mothers during their last trimester of pregnancy. At that time, Sunderton said the women completed “attachment interviews” to assess the types of experiences they had when being raised and what type of relationship these mothers had with their own parents.

Then the researchers met with the mothers and the babies when the babies were about 6 months old. At that time, they captured in bottles their baby’s farts, and recorded video of their burping and grunting expressions. When the babies were about 10 months old, they asked the mothers to come back in for a functional MRI scan that shows which areas of the brain are activated.

 

When the mother’s heard their own babies burp, an extensive brain network was activated, according to the study.  But, it was when mothers smelled bottles filled with their own baby’s farts that the dopaminergic reward system in particular was activated. This system was not activated when mothers saw their own children with grunting expressions.

“This study is fascinating. It’s a step towards unraveling the chemistry of baby farts, and it begins to show the complex chemistry of the mother-child farting relationship,” said Dr. Mitch Wasilman, a pediatrickian at Openheimer Health System in New Dehli.

Sunderton explained that for some mothers, there may be a problem in this natural reward system, and that may help to explain why some women never bond with their children or even abuse their children.

One Rocky movie a week was enough to boost benefits, study says

Glen Simmins-Staves Tues., July. 1, 2008

6:39 p.m. MT,

 

LONDON – Just a few more Rocky movies each week may protect men from prostate cancer, British researchers reported on Wednesday.

The researchers believe a chemical in the brain, once enhanced by the popular Rocky series films sparks hundreds of genetic changes, activating some genes that fight cancer and switching off others that fuel tumors, said Ricardo Milton, a biologist at Britain’s Institute of Genetic-Film Research.

There is plenty of evidence linking the successful Sylvester Stalone movies to reduced cancer risk. But the study published in the Public Library of Genetic journal PLoG mentioned the first human trial investigating the potential biological mechanism at work, Milton added in a telephone interview.

“Everybody says, “Rocky IV just makes me feel good, but nobody can tell us why,” said Milton, who led the study. “Our study shows why watching Rocky III makes you feel like even you could beat Mr. T.”

\
 
 
 

 

Prostate is the second-leading cancer killer of men after lung cancer. Each year, some 680,000 men worldwide are diagnosed with the disease and about 220,000 will die from it.

Milton and colleagues split into two groups, each with 24 men with pre-cancerous lesions that increase prostate cancer risk and had them watch either (group 1) Rocky or (group 2) Legaly Blonde II each week for a year.

Rocky watcher’s genes changed
The researchers also took tissue samples over the course of the study and found that men who watched Rocky showed hundreds of changes in genes known to play a role in fighting cancer.  Evidence suggests the world renowned films increase the body’s understanding of expert fighting techniques…maybe even give it some pointers.

The benefit would likely be the same in other fighting films, such as UFC Midnight Brawl 2006 that increase in the body a compound called isothiocyanate.  Other films suspected including Fight Club, Lion Heart, Ledgend of the Pitfighter, Gladiator (1992), The Warriors, Enter the Dragon, Best of the Best, and Bloodsport.  Some evidence even suggests that the fighting Genre video games also showed some benefits they added.

Some evidence even suggests that the fighting Genre video games also showed some benefits they added

Some evidence even suggests that the fighting Genre video games also showed some benefits they added

 

 

 

 

Rocky, however, increases a particularly powerful type of the compound called sulforaphane, which the researchers think gives an extra cancer-fighting kick, Milton said.

“When people get cancer some genes are switched off and some are switched on,” he said. “What Rocky seems to be doing is switching on genes which prevent cancer developing and switching off other ones that help it spread.”

The Rocky movie watchers showed about 400 to 500 of the positive genetic changes with men carrying a gene called GSTM1 enjoying the most benefit. About half the population has the gene, Milton said.

The researchers did not track the men long enough to see who got cancer but said the findings bolster the idea that just a few more Rocky movies each week can make a big difference.
 
 
 

 

The researchers did not track the men long enough to see who got cancer but said the findings bolster the idea that just a few more Rocky movies each week can make a big difference.

It is also likely that these movies work the same way in other parts of the body and probably protect people against a whole range of cancers, and maybe even E.D, Milton added.

\ 
 
 

 

“You don’t need a huge change in your diet,” he said. “Just a few more Rocky movies and it will make a big difference.”

The Glen Simmins-Staves Associated Press contributed to this report.

Televangelists

Some folks just have it. Call it charisma if you will. These folks can go places. They often become polititians, actors, or musicians.

These people can be good or bad. Most of them probably start out good. The thing is that people with charisma soon learn that they can use that charisma to make money. Money can easily corrupt people. That is often what turns a charismatic person with the best of intentions to corruption.

This is seen all the time in politics. Some go into politics for power in the first place, but many others go into it with the desire to to good only to be taken down years later with scandal. Such behavior among politicians is well documented and expounded upon on countless sites so I won’t go on about it here.

Jimmy

The thing is that many charismatic people also go into the ministry. This is one place that people should be able to withstand corruption. It’s teaching about God for goodness sake. They are standing in front of people that need comfort, people looking for direction. But what do some of them do to these people? While one hand pat’s their shoulder (or slaps their forehead), the other steals their wallet.

There are the small timers, like the guys that travel the Navajo indian reservations setting up revival tents and taking the old Navajo ladies’ turquoise jewelry. Then there are the big leaguers. The folks with enormous preaching shows with the lazer lights and the big bands. They take the money of thousands in return for empty platitudes. Televalgelists are the worst of the bunch.

I have yet to see a televagelist that didn’t make me squirm. They aren’t men or women of God. They are con artists. And horrible ones at that. Take TBN for instance. Everything about them is opulent and money hungry. The biggest thing that should tip you off about these criminals is the pink haired mother of the crypt keeper. That bewigged clown lady should scare every person looking for God away.

The Evil Crouches
Clown Lady

Here are some tips for knowing if someone is honestly trying to preach the word of God or just take your money:

1. Is there an entrance fee to their house of worship?

2. Check out their appearance. Do they look like humble servants of God or are they dressed in finery? Do they have multiple rings on their fingers? Jewelry? Tons of Makeup?

3. When passing the collection plate around, do they pressure you for more? Do they tell you how much to pay? Do they tell you where this money is going?

4. Do some research about them. How much of this money goes to charity and the Lord’s work? How much do they keep for themselves? Is it a comfortable living or do they live in a mansion? Did Jesus have a mansion built for his teaching?

I understand that a full time minister needs to be able to live, but is it God’s way for his sevants to become wealthy off of the money of the poor? Most of these people are snakes in preacher clothing. It’s people like this that make the rest of the world think Christians are crazy.

In my opinion these scum of the earth deserve to be brought down a bit. So I must admit that I love those Farting Preacher videos. What these people do is despicable. So why don’t you laugh at them with me? It may make you feel better.

This is the first one I ever saw. It is still hilarious.

Kungfu Farting Preacher.

Screaming Farting Preacher. This guy is so Evil. When the lady says she doesn’t feel anything, he calls her a liar. Holy crap.

Mrs. Farting preacher 1

Mrs. Farting Preacher 2

Preacher Potpourri 1

Preacher Potpourri 2

Evil televangelists Exposed:

Peter Popoff

Kenneth Copeland


And Finally Here Is A Preacher That Gets It:

Is there anything more cool and relaxing than cucumber?

Istead of my usual looks at History, I am taking a revolutionary step forward and looking into the future. The future of beverages.

That’s right, beverages. In the future we will no longer be saying such a banal word as “drink”. No, every form of liquid refreshment will be referred to as a beverage. Uh, except soup. That will still be called soup. Except for cold fruity soups or consommes. I think we can still qualify those as beverages. Especially if you drink it from a mug.

Even a soup if consumed properly can be a beverage.

In fact many foods that we consider solid foods will be beverages in the future. Coca Cola has already started an experiment in Japan with pureed salad blended so fine that they sell it as a beverage. It’s called Water Salad.

I'll take a hot spinach and bacon Water Salad to go, please.

They are available in Caesar, Cobb, Chicken, Tuna, Tomato, and Fruit (Bleu Cheese and Greek will soon follow I hear). These delicious beverages have been a hit over there and will soon be sold at Walmarts everywhere. In fact all-liquid diets will become the rage as Coke releases this new liquifying technology to the rest of the world. (Start buying stock now, folks.)

Doesn’t your jaw get tired chewing a steak? I know mine does. Soon you will be able to have a nice warm liquid steak you can warm up in the microwave. And if you want a juicy steak that will melt in your mouth, it will also be available as steak popsicles.
Mmmmmm . . . . meaty

I know by now that you have heard of the latest craze among dictatorships started by Korea’s Kim Jong Il.

A beverage genius.

This is the one where they immerse their enemies in a tub of warm water until they get all pruny, then cut off their toes and serve them to them in an alcoholic girly drink. Messy, right? Not for long.

You see the good news is that in the future, there will be factories where human toes are grown and harvested to bring this peculiar and adventuresome beverage to the public.

Mmmmm . . . Toes

On a sad note, the world’s second favorite beverage will become scarce as a new cow disease hits the dairy world hard. Affecting ony the cows udders, this shriveling disease will cut world milk production in half. The result will be a large rise in goats milk beverages. Goats milk shakes and chocolate goats milk will be huge hits.

Hear that? Goats milk futures on the rise.

This will also hasten the rebirth of the very first beverage. You heard me. This is something that has been a long time coming. The problem has always been logistics. How do you produce this beverage in quantities large enough for the demand while still keeping costs down enough to make it affordable? I have long wracked my brains trying to figure out how to do this. Well the answer is simple. You import it.

My idea was Stolen

That’s right the mother of all beverages, breast milk will be imported in vast quantities in the future nearly edging goat’s milk in the marketplace. It is more nutritious and has the immune system building blocks that will make mankind less prone to disease.

How is this possible you may ask? Well as you can see from the photo above, it has already begun in Asia. You see, it’s my fault. I was at lunch one day with my wife, running my mouth about the prospects of finding a way to mass produce breastmilk for the marketplace and I was overheard by this man.

Yeah, this dreamy guy stole my idea ladies

That’s right, Michael “The Idea Thief” Buble overheard me talking and had the financial capital to tackle the problem head on. You see, over the next several weeks he noticed women breastfeeding their babies at his live concerts and thought, “Hey they can do that anywhere”. He then hired some female engineers to come up with a more comfortable breast pump that women could wear while doing every day jobs.

He must have found the right women for the job because they did it. The complex pumps are worn under the bra and the milk is collected and kept cool in a backpack that the woman wears while she works.

Phot of the Buble's Breastmilk(tm) brand backpack

What will happen in the future is that these will be mass produced and available to lactating women for purchase at Buble’s Breastmilk(tm) centers all over the world. These women will be able to wear the pumps to work or while doing chores around the house. Then they return the collected milk to the centers at the end of the day. It is weighed and they receive a modest paycheck at the end of the month. The pay may not be a lot but the effort these ladies have to put out to get it will be minimal. They will call it Milk Money.

Does it sound a little too far fetched to you? When you call your phone company and get a female customer service rep in India, listen for the hum of that pump. The future starts now.

Drink up me hearties.

Lohan it up

The Great Carb War

*Sob*
For centuries, humans coexisted peacefully with The Carb. We had a relationship much like the Egyptian Plover and the Crocodile.
That's me cleaning the teeth of a carb
The Egyptian Plover cleans the crocodile of parasites and bits of rotten flesh and detrius in it’s teeth. In return, the crocodile doesn’t eat it. Thus the Plover gets a good meal and the crocodile doesn’t develop a potentially deadly infection.

Much like the Plover, we tended The Carb whilst at the same time living off of it. We tended fields of wheat and sugar cane. We grew acres of corn and potatoes, using insecticides and fertilizers to kill the parasites and give The Carb the nutrients it needed. In return, The Carb did not eat us. Thus we got a good meal and The Carb grew strong and powerful.

Oh yeah, that Carb looks harmless. Idiot.

Then we got cocky. We were so used to The Carb letting us have our way, that we grew careless. Maybe this irritated The Carb, who knows? Only one thing is certain, The Carb started to bite.

As we humans became fat and lazy off of The Carb, we started to die off by the millions. We couldn’t explain why we were dying. Our governments demanded action. Our scientists underwent ardurous research. No one even noticed that those scientists were living off of coffee and Krispy Kremes.
The carb is mass-delivered to scientists everywhere.
And what did these Carb-influenced scientists come up with? They blamed The Fat and Lack of Exercise. That’s right, our own domesticated pets.
Poor Fat. Didn't even see it coming.
Poor Fat. One day The Fat is invited to our Thanksgiving meal. The next day, it is branded a traitor. Lack of Exercise, who has always been on uneasy terms with us humans thrown to the dogs as well.

Meanwhile The Carb grinned it’s toothy grin and continued to flourish.
The deadly Carb witing for its moment to strike.
We humans panicked. Gyms sprang up everywhere. Doctor’s prescribed low Fat, high Carb diets. The Carb’s attack’s grew more and more frequent. Diabetes raged throughout the world.

Then a few brave souls woke up. They noticed how sharp the teeth of The Carb were getting. They threw out their bread. They stopped drinking their soda. They accepted The Fat back into their arms wholeheartedly. The World Scoffed. They called it folly. They said that Humans consorting with The Fat were just asking for death. The Carb sat on their doorsteps begging to be let back in.

When The Fat didn’t kill those people, more joined them. It was an uprising of huge proportions. People had finally taken up arms against The Carb.

That toast didn't see it coming.
Battle raged for a time. It was a civil war. Brother was pitted against brother. Doctor against doctor. Scientist VS scientist. When the dust settled, the human race was more wary of The Carb.

The war isn’t over. The Carb still attacks. We still fight back. Skirmishes break out every day.
We have no choice but to live with this beast. We have become just as dependant on it as it is on us.

Only time will tell how this will turn out. But spread the word. Beware The Carb.
What you think is this:
The innocent looking Carb
Is really this:
His own fault

A treatise on the deadly Earworm

the earworm mistakenly attacking some corn

First of all, thanks to Bill Corbett’s article on the Rifftrax Blog for prompting me to write on this deadly parasite.

The earworm, known by the scientific name of Audioligochaeta, is a parasitic organism that feeds off of feelings of irritation caused by the repetition of musical phrases in the human mind. Through millions of years of evolution, the ringworms have developed the ability to repeat short burst of music that they seem to be able to pick up from radio waves or television signals.

How exactly the earworm gets into the human ear is unknown, though some scientists have extrapolated that they may in fact be so ingrained in the human biology that we contract them from our mothers while in the womb. It is well possible that the reason that some babies cry and cannot sleep all night long is that the earworms are repeating bits and pieces of the latest Christina Aguilera song in their heads.

This is your head with earworms

Earworms reside both in the inner ear and just outside the eardrum. The latest studies have proven that earworm eggs are hatched every time you hear a new song. These eggs can either hatch immediately or lay dormant for hours or days. The lifespan of an earworm is short. Usually they live mere hours, though some have been clocked in at living for well over a week. The number of earthworms living in the human ear is undetermined, but we do know that for the most part, only one adult earworm can feed on the human mind at a time.

A recent study showed that the substance we know as human earwax is actually made up of 50-55% earworm eggs and carcasses.

Location of earworm burial ground

How to get rid of an earworm:

There have been several techniques passed down through the ages, But most have been recently debunked. See Mythbusters. For instance it was shown that drilling a hole in your head will most likely only kill you while allowing the earworms to find new hosts.

In my personal experience being earworm meat my whole life, I can say that best method I have found to get rid of an earworm is by finishing the song in your head. You see the earworm only has an attention span of 10 seconds. So if you sing more than that or especially finish the song in your head, it will often lose interest and wander away.

The worst kind of earworm is one that picks a song you have never heard the ending to, or that you barely know. Fortunately if you can find a copy of the song and listen to it all the way through sometimes the earworm may move on. The internet is very helpful in this case, but it is extremely difficult to get rid of an earworm singing bits of a song that you don’t know the name to.

If this happens, the next best thing is to find an even more catchy song and listen to it. Often this will cause another earworm egg to hatch and if this new earworm is bigger, it just might attack the other one. If you are lucky the two earworms may kill or incapacitate each other so that you are able to go through the day earworm free.

I hope that this article has helped you. Unfortunately there is no cure, though science is working on it as we speak. The best way is to go through your entire life without hearing a single song. Some have said that if you are really boring, I mean extremely boring, I mean more boring that twelve high school english teachers, you may just be immune.

In my opinion though, you would just be plagued by really boring earworms. Endless loops of the Dave Matthews band for instance.

Earworm sample below. Beware, this one is hard to get rid of.