Category: Snark


Unintentionally Hilarious

Edgewriter Hisself here.

Imagine this:

You are invited to a friends house. They are all excited and want you to watch a video they made. So you act enthusiastic and they put this on:

You watch in horror, trying not to laugh and feeling embarassed for them. Then they tell you about their aspirations of stardom and you try to be positive while the whole time you are screaming inside, wishing you could escape.

An hour later after you have found an excuse to slip away, you leave the driveway just as more of their puzzled looking victims are arriving at the house.

Well Jan Terri and Mark Gormley have produced some of the most embarrassed friends and acquaintances ever. They evidently have quite a cult following despite the horribleness of the videos.

Let’s start with our buddy Mark Gormley. He is actually on very talented SOB. Musically his songs are quite good. Unfortunately the dude looks like my old junior high english teacher Mr. Ferguson. He should not appear in his own music videos.

(BTW notice the bandaid on his chest in that one?)

Now to Mark’s credit, he is pretty grounded for a internet sensation. in this interview, you can see that he isn’t looking to jump into fame. He even turned down Jimmy Kimmel. He is however looking for a new “signifigant other”. So ladies . . .

Jan Terri on the other hand . . . Why oh why in the name of all that is holy did this woman decide to make music?

Please kill me now. You will want to after watching this:


(1:35 dan dan dong??? Even she gets bored of the video after a while)

Here is one Pop up video style:

And so mch more . . . .

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type=&search_query=jan+terri&aq=f

Special thanks to the folks over at the Rifftrax Blog for bringing the joy of Jan Terri and Mark Gormley into my hum-drum life.

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Church Sign Insanity


Edgewriter here.

In the past you have seen me rail against the evils of Televangelism.

Well, today I have been doing some research and Brothers and Sisters you won’t believe what I have dug up.

Across our great nation, many of us use our church signs as bilboards to either promote our values, advertise community events, or touch the hearts of the people driving by. However some churches are getting out of control. Either their pastors are loopy or the person in charge of their signage needs to be reigned in. These messages range from politically charged to stupid to flat out dangerous. This is the kind of thing that makes people think religious people are crazy.

That sign out front is often the first thing that people see from our churches. The message there will forever color the public opinion of our church’s beliefs.

Now I have seperated these photos into several categories:

#1 Stupid

Lame Church Sign

Lame Church Sign


Why adorn a church sign with mispellings? Obviously the sign arranger for this church was getting creative. However the message that our Heavenly Father will be there for us is tainted by the fact that people will wonder: “Are they being cute or are they just bad spellers?”
Besides, Isn’t that the name of a bad 80’s R&B song?

I’m not quite sure what message this sign is meant to convey. Maybe this is a joke being played on a heavy pastor. Either way it is innapropriate.

After examining this one more closely I think that this may be a church that was purchased by an institution that is running a business out of it. At least they should take the religious signage out of the corner.

#2 Political

In our current political climate, it may be tempting for a pastor to use his pulpit as a place to put forth his political views. However we need to remember that our political views are not neccesarily God’s will. It is innapropriate to put that kind of message out. It is also a quick way to get your tax exempt status removed.

Not only is this sign highly innapropriate, it is also offensive. It is not our place to judge a woman. Besides, where is the proof?

I have seen signs with similar messages popping up all over the country. Not only is it rediculous, but also quite frightening. Even if Barack Obama did heal my friend’s gimpy leg.

Again, this is is a statement I have not seen proof of. I mean, I have heard of this, but there is no photo evidence. But if any of you do find any let me know.

Finally I will end this catagory with an amazing example of a church that let politics drive it completely off the deep end.

The River City Church Of GOD

They start off with a statement just as rediculous as the one posted earlier.

Now they are making themselves look silly.

At first I just thought “What an obvious statement.” But what were they really saying? Were they intimating that he is still a virgin even now? But then it may just have been a gramatical error because the next day the sign had changed again.

It was at this point that I noticed the change in the name of their church. It just creeps me out now.

#3 Dangerous

These last signs were truly shocking to me. I really think that some congregations need to bring their pastors under control. Either someone is truly nuts or a prankster has gotten hold of the signage lettering.

These kinds of messages cound erupt a community into violence or perhaps bring church leaders up on criminal charges.

This may seem funny on the surface. But this kind of intolerance will not bring the type of people into your congregation that you want. Mormons may not fight you but the Lutherans could set fire to your church house.

Even if you think this statement is true, you are just asking for a community in uproar and that is not the way to convert souls.

(And also, a quick thank you to Mrs Edge for pointing out that the word Wiener was misspelled. Perhaps the sign was referring to Mr. Hermann Weiner who was beaten to death by a gang of homosexuals in that same city the week prior.)

I really think that this might be the work of a prankster. But if so, someone should have taken the message down right away. This one stayed on the board for over a week.

At first I thought that this pastor was just against that rock band from the 80’s. But my wife tells me she thinks that it is a statement of homosexual intolerance. . . . I don’t get it.

A few days after this sign was put up, this pastor had cops knocking on his door. There are more discreet ways of getting this particular message out.

At least this pastor has been reading my site.

So as you can see we need to get the message out. We need to get our signage under control. If you see something questionable on the sign outside your church, see your pastor. Perhaps you could volunteer to help him come up with more appropriate messages.

For more information on this serious subject, please go HERE.

UPDATE:

Here are some more Signs I found this morning.

I wonder if they take volunteers?

Didn’t know NAMBLA had meetings at the Presbyterian Church of Pittsburgh

So that’s the church that our greeter at Walmart goes to . . .

Finally a church that knows how to get its message out.

The place to go when you want to listen to an “Okay” preacher teach you a message that won’t quite make you fall asleep. And if you get a splinter from their pew, hey at least it didn’t hit an artery.

I didn’t know that the Seventh Day Adventists were so tolerant of alternative sexual lifestyles.

I think they blinded me with science.

Stop! Hammer Time . . . 100th post!!!

99th post
Hello, Edgewriter here.

Here at post.com(tm), you know that we are not a pun site. We simply enjoy giving you pictures of posts.
So I am commemorating our 100th post.

100th post

Now the challenge begins. Can you find all 100 posts on the site? They are hidden all over. It may get a bit difficult, but there is a big reward in store for the first one to email me the locations of all 100 posts. This is Egdewriter’s first major contest. The winner will receive the opportunity to write our 200th post. (Not photo of a post.)

101st postage

    Let the Post hunting begin!!!


Here are some hints.

102nd post
(Noun)
1. a strong piece of timber, metal, or the like, set upright as a support, a point of attachment, a place for displaying notices, etc.
2. Furniture. one of the principal uprights of a piece of furniture, as one supporting a chair back or forming one corner of a chest of drawers. Compare stump (def. 11).
3. Papermaking. a stack of 144 sheets of handmolded paper, interleaved with felt.
4. Horse Racing. a pole on a racetrack indicating the point where a race begins or ends: the starting post.
5. the lane of a racetrack farthest from the infield; the outside lane. Compare pole1 (def. 4).
6. Computers. a. a message that is sent to a newsgroup.
b. text that is placed on a Web site.

–verb (used with object) 7. to affix (a notice, bulletin, etc.) to a post, wall, or the like.
8. to bring to public notice by or as by a poster or bill: to post a reward.
9. to denounce by a public notice or declaration: They were posted as spies.
10. to publish the name of in a list: to post a student on the dean’s list.
11. to publish the name of (a ship) as missing or lost.
12. to placard (a wall, fence, etc.) with notices, bulletins, etc.: The wall was posted with announcements.
13. to put up signs on (land or other property) forbidding trespassing:: The estate has been posted by the owner.
14. Computers. a. to send (a message) to a newsgroup.
b. to place (text) on a Web site.

–verb (used without object) 15. Computers. a. to send a message to a newsgroup.
b. to place text on a Web site.

——————————————————————————–

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME, OE < L postis a post, doorpost, whence also D, LG post, G Pfosten]

—Related forms
postless, adverb
postlike, adjective

—Synonyms 1. column, pillar, pile, pole. 6. announce, advertise, publicize.

103rd Shebbear post

Did I mention, we support women’s rights?
104th wommen's sufferage post
and their figures by the way.

I Refuse to Accept Your Insinuation…

This is NOT how it works!

 

 

 

Our cars are built with turning signals and we are given the ability to speak for a reason.  At least with someone who insinuates with their body language I can stop them and ask them a direct question…but for those out there who like to slow down or straddle the lines separating the lanes when they drive in order to let someone know that you want to merge, instead of signaling…I refuse to accept your insinuation!  I may not signal for the full three seconds required, but I will at least let the other drivers know what I am thinking when I am trying to merge!  

 

 

When I am driving, I am already focusing on what I am doing; now you expect me to guess what you are thinking?!  How hard is it to lift your finger and turn on your blinker?  I see so many drivers being overly stressed over merging and I would accommodate their needs more if I knew what their intentions are!  Or if I am going to turn left at a two way stop with my signal flashing and you are coming my way knowing that you are going to turn (so I don’t have to wait for you to pass)…turn on your signal!  The earlier the better!

 

 

This goes for anything in life in my opinion…why not just say what we mean?  I understand that in business or in situations where you are asking for someone with authority over you for something, it may not be best to be too direct…but when we are just interacting with each other as human beings, why not be direct?  I have always been terrible with this as it relates to dating and having a relationship. If I liked someone, I would tell them that I liked them…otherwise it would drive me crazy…at the same time, I wanted to know what they thought of me.  So if I had my way, there would be no insinuation amongst people who speak the same language…seems pretty inefficient to me.

 

I wonder if that thing has hazards...

 

 

So ladies (or course my wife excluded), if you want us to do the dishes for you, don’t get pouty when you don’t ask us to do it and they don’t get done.  Don’t tell us that you want us “to want to do the dishes for you”.  In my opinion, you are just being lazy in wanting everyone to know what you are thinking and aren’t taking the perception of others into account.  Once again, I refuse to accept your insinuation…

 

Example of washing dishes insinuation from “The Break Up”…

http://www.hulu.com/embed/HWT2yjuanjvNQwpcNkzI1A

Pessimists are Lazy…

You are holding it wrong!

In my book (about two pages, all written on “good” toilet paper), the hard way is always the best and most honorable way to do any task.  (I am working on a long list of exceptions to this rule to be published later once I have sold enough of my book to retire)  As a matter of fact, I am part of a group of people that are the toughest, most war-tested…(and quiet) people on this planet.  “The peace-makers”/”the optimists”.  Now I don’t mean to paint the wrong picture…I love to eat meat, watch/play sports, contain my emotions, make fun of anything cheesy and play violent video games…and I am married (and not in California or Massachusetts)

 

A gray wife beater for a baby?

 

Oh sure, I could try take the easy way out.  If you have no expectations then you will never be disappointed right?  Wrong.  No matter how negative you are, life will never consistently be as bad as you think and yet you will never be able to think of all of the many ways that you could be disappointed.  So stop trying to tear down the rest of us when we are trying to better our situation!  For example, if I suggest going swimming in a public pool, don’t tell me of the average amount of urine that it contains and that you think it will be crowded!  Why do the pessimists seem to come out of the woodwork when people are trying to think of something to do?

 

To highlight another point, being optimistic has also been given other negative terms by pessimists that don’t FIT (doesn’t fit like George Carlin’s role *R.I.P.* as the conductor on Shining Time Station…or Jack Black doing kid movies or hosting Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Awards…ever heard of Tenacious D?)  Being optimistic doesn’t mean that someone is naïve; I know that everything won’t turn out to be as good as I would like…but I hope it does! 

Hi Kids! Let me add to your vocabulary!Search Youtube at your own risk

 

So here is my equal shot to the pessimists who conjure the word naïve when discussing optimists…the optimists don’t have time to come up with special words that are supposed to mean the exact same thing as another word already in existence…these are things that lazy people do.  However during the time it took me to write this I have come up with a counter to the condescending way you say, “you are just naïve”…”you are just SCARED and LAZY!”

 

You are like the pouty kids who, when they don’t get what they want…say, “I never get anything!”  Shame on you and it is time to grow up.  Life can be good and it can be bad…but it is silly to throw a tantrum.  Especially when you only do it when others are around…

 

Hello! Kingju1ce again!

I Would Like that on the Side

 

Do you understand my foot

 

My wife and I will go to fast food restaurants just a few times a month, and during these special times of Whoppers and Big Macs, I have learned to be careful what I say.  I am a “Super Size” supporter (who has recently had my dreams crushed…curse you Super Size Me documentary!!) and now that I can only select a large, I find myself leaving these establishments rather peckish (look it up) unless I order something from the Value or Dollar menus (be careful to check which fast food joint you are visiting when using these terms, the people on register are generally one step from postal…this is the same when using the terms Super Size, King Size, Up Size and Biggie Size) to go with my value meal.

 

Ruining the fun for everyone!!

 

So…when I order my value meal (thanks to Darwin we now only have to say a number) I have to add the item I want…(spicy chicken sandwich…whopper jr….you get the idea) and then comes the moment of truth where I must choose my words carefully.  For years I have used this phrase in restaurants (because it is on the menus) and everyone knows what I want or need.  For some reason when I say, “and I would like a spicy chicken sandwich from the dollar menu on the side” I get confused, blank looks at fast food restaurants.  At one point of this happening, my wife got frustrated and told me to use something different because our orders through the drive thru were getting all messed up (we were getting additional extra value meals instead of just the sandwich, etc.). 

 

Maybe my expectations are a little high

 

I mean come on, what the (enter curse word here…unless you don’t curse…and then you will probably use some substitute like “heck” or “freak” or just change the whole phrase to “what’s the deal”)??

 

On a side note…with fuel and food prices being so high…feel free to buy a small fountain drink that we are accustomed to at your local fast food place instead of the large and refill it at your leisure.  Don’t let these opportunities to save money slip by!

 

So…Who’ve I Got Here?

 

NO! WHO'VE I GOT HERE?

 

This one is used by one of my friends and coworkers.  I love to give him a hard time about it.  Part of our job is to answer phone calls from truckers who work in Portland, Seattle and Vancouver, B.C. and my friend likes to use “So who’ve I got here?” when he is trying to see which trucking company is calling him.  Like my “on the side” phrase, there are times that people understand what he is saying so he continues to add this phrase to his regular rotation of things to say.  However, there are many times (especially when is helping to cover the guy’s desk who controls Vancouver, B.C.) where the truckers do not understand him and he gets frustrated when he has to change it up.  I don’t think they teach the word “who’ve” in India English classes.

 

Actual image from Vancouver trucker strike resolution

 

The bottom line is, even if we are right…it does us no good to use these phrases if the people we are trying to communicate with have no idea what we are saying!!  So shame on them from not knowing what we mean and shame on us for being the minority and expecting the general public to succumb to our will!

 

Hanjin this is Justin!

 

Jeff is waiting to assist you

 

When I answer the phone at work I answer, “Hanjin…this is Justin” but I guess that in my excitement to talk on my phone I say it quickly.  A very common response to my salutation is “Yes Jeff, I wondering if you could help me”.  I know I say it correctly but I guess those I am saying it to are hearing something different.  The name Justin isn’t a complicated one and is easily pronounced however, my pronunciation of my own name must emphasize the Ju- and I must trail off with the –stin.  This is the only explanation that I can find.

 

Poor Jeff

 

If I have a bad day I am sure that a phone call may go like this…

 

Me: Hanjin this is Justin

Caller: Hi Jeff! Say I was wondering if you could help me…

(10 seconds go by)

Caller: Hello?  Hello!

Me: Oh I am sorry I thought you were talking to Jeff.  We are on a conference call right?

Caller: Wh-what?

Me: Yeah my name is JUSTIN!

 

Or with my sense of humor a call could go more like this…

 

Me: Hanjin this is Justin

Caller: Hi Jeff! This is Joe, say I was wondering if you could help me…

Me: Sure Bo, I would be more than happy to help you..

Caller: No I’m sorry, my name is Joe

Me: Oh and my name is JUS-TIN, its nice to meet you!

 

Drew Carey: “Oh no! I have to say all this as we go to commercial?”

Little harsh...but how is this guy rich?!

 

Drew Carey doesn’t have a phrase that is hard to understand but instead he tries to say a lot of words with his mouth without the cooperation of his brain…

 

Here are some examples of Drew Carey struggling to talk on the show Whose Line is it Anyway…

 

Ryan catches Drew in the act and the everything goes out of control

 

and at the end of this clip…

 

Ok just pick any clip with an intro or outro with this guy…

 

Therefore I propose that everyone adopt the saying, “he really screwed that up…it was worse than Drew Carey on four hours sleep”

 

King

Addition by Edgwriter:

I’m sorry but I just had to come on here and say Rowsdower:

Kingju1ce Guest Blog

Hey Folks,
The following is an article from my brother, the immaculate King Ju1ce. We may see him around these parts more and more so stay tuned . . .
Edgewriter

Please! Help Me Understand…

Mandatory seat belt laws – R.I.P. Motorcyclists

This Isn't Cool...They Really Want You Dead!

Evidently it is important to be safe when traveling by buckling ourselves into our vehicles…the life of the passengers of a moving car or truck is worth preserving…enforcement of seat belt laws improve the number of people using seat belts by 82%…and I guess the government’s true feelings about bikers come to light.

Click It or Ticket Campaign Launch
Spokesperson: The citizens of this great country must endure this new “Click It or Ticket” mandatory seat belt campaign to prevent casualties of those we love on our roadways…in other unrelated news, in some states bikers will continue to have optional helmet regulations…

I am seriously confused as to why our government allows bikers to ride on our roads at the same speed limit as other vehicles (often with helmets optional if you are over 19)…but passengers of those other vehicles are required (if this campaign shows positive results and sticks) to strap themselves in to avoid fatalities. This means two things…either motorcycles should then also be outlawed on our roads…or motorcyclists are free to die and are not a concern.

Seat belts? We're talkin' 'bout seat belts?

I definitely think that it is smart to always wear a seat belt in a car so I don’t mean to say that seat belts are not important to our safety (mom, a reminder to actually wear yours), but the government’s involvement in this issue is driving me crazy (no pun intended).

Just to get an officers reaction, I would love to do this…

1. I get pulled over in my car because I am not wearing a seat belt but when the officer walks up to my window he finds me in a motorcycle helmet with leather from head to toe.

Soda Pop Prices by Volume

$ Value = The same?

12 oz can = 75 cents
20 oz bottle = 1.20
2 Liters = 99 cents
3 Liters = 1.20 (when applicable)

I don’t mean to complain about 2 Liters of soda costing less than 20 ounces but I am just curious as to whose is coming up with this stuff? Is it the same guy that is determining the serving sizes on our products? Who eats just a few chips or a couple spoonfuls of ice cream?

Where's the Carmel?

So instead of saying that the price of a 2 liter needs to increase, I say that the price of the popular 20 oz. should be decreased! There is more plastic and fluid in a 2 Liter bottle so these companies have no excuse! Ok, ok…I know about the supply and demand curve in this situation…but it isn’t easy carrying around a 2 liter of soda…it gets warm way too fast…it’s bulky…and I look like a soda junky!

Pop SKANK!!

Take Your Hat Off! You Are Walking on Hallowed Ground…

I like to call myself on old fashioned individual. I like giving up my seat for women, children and the elderly…or opening doors for the same. But out of all the traditions of our culture and etiquette, I have never understood why wearing a hat is disrespectful in some situations. A hat isn’t a mask or a disguise. A hat is often just for fashion or to keep the sun off of your face.

So why is it disrespectful to wear my hat during the national anthem or when I enter a church? I assume that there was a time where it made sense…maybe there was a time where birds ran amok and the hats people wore collected a large volume of bird droppings…I can see why a hat covered in feces would be disrespectful and should be removed…but aside from this scenario…IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!

Don't Inhale Too Deeply

By the way, if someone were to tell me to take my hat off because I was walking on hallowed ground (to set this up properly it is important to note that my hat has nothing to do with the ground…if I were being asked to take my shoes off, walk softly, or to tip toe because I was walking on hallowed ground, at least that would be in the realm of understanding..anyway…read on) I would respond with this,

“Shhhh quiet, QUIET!…(long pause)…sorry, I thought I smelled something.”

If you look at the world today and see all the reckless irresponsibility, you can pin it all down on one thing. There is just not enough spanking going on.

Spanking Douglass

Kids today often go about with the idea that there are no reprecussions for their actions. They are taught at a young age that the worst they will get for their wrong doings is a good talking to.

As they get older the parents move from time outs to groundings, but it doesn’t take a willful teen long to realize that if they ignore their grounding the worst that they will get is a talking to. And if they ignore additional groundings and/or talking to’s the parent has lost all control of their child. Once a parent has no control over their child, the child has no reason to listen to anything they say.

Belt for spanking

Now when I am talking about spanking I refer to punishment delivered by repeated strikes to the buttocks (Or booty if you prefer). Most often these would be delivered by the open hand, though sometimes a belt or switch could be used.

In days of old, teachers, pastors(shudder), neighbors, or any upstanding adult could deliver a spanking to an unruly child. And when the child complained to their parent, they would just be told “You got what you deserved.”

Spanking paddle

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating a return to those days. I wouldn’t particularly like it if my kid’s teachers spanked them. There is too much opportunity for dicipline to become abuse. I agree that the physical discipline of children should be left to the parents. But these days parents are looked down upon with derision or even horror for spanking their kids. In fact, there are constantly bills being presented to government to outlaw spanking.

There was a day when if you were at the store and your kid threw a fit, you took them over your knee and spanked them right in the aisle. Now if a kid throws a fit you have to put up with it, maybe lean in and threaten them with future harm so quietly that no one else hears you. Because if you did spank that child, there might be three or four empty-headed busybodies on their cell phones calling child protective services. At the least you would get looks of scorn or derision, or pure hatred.

Hillary scowl for spanking

As a result of this atmosphere, here is the typical situation you run into at your local Walmart:

Child: “Waaaaaah I want cookie! Waaaaaaah!”

Empty-headed mom: “Now you know you are on a gluten free diet.”

Child: *Sprawls on the aisle floor kicking his feet* “Waaaaahhhhh! Cookie now!!!”

Empty-headed mom: “Please junior stop.”

Child: *knocks food off of shelf onto the floor* “No!! I want cookie!!! Stupid mom!!”

Empty-headed mom: “But junior-”

Child: “Stupid mom! Stupid Mom! I hate you! Give me cookie!!!!”

Empty-headed mom:
“Now that’s not polite.”

Empty-headed busybody #1: “Oh, I would be happy to buy this boy a cookie if you can’t afford it.”

Empty-headed busybody #2: “You know I read a good book on parenting . . .”

Me: “Spank the kid!”

Double Spanking

We have all seen this scene or one similar to some degree or worse. Why does this happen? First the kid does not respect their parent. At home, the Mom can put the child in time out or turn the TV off for a few hours. In the store, she is utterly defenseless and does not know how to handle the situation. So the kid steamrolls her and the onlookers stupidly try to step in and end her torment.

This child never learned discipline. He never learned that his behavior had consequences. His parents thought that if they just showed him enough love, that they would have his respect. Well children enjoy being shown love, but they also enjoy getting what they want.

What happens to kids that grow up without discipline?

Paris Hilton Needs a Spanking

Don’t let this be your kid.

Now you might be wondering how Edgewriter disciplines his kids. You might even picture me as a howling red-faced child-beating demon. But that is far from the case. My spankings are delivered hand to booty. Some times bare booty some times not, depending on the severity of the offense.

I have four kids and one is far too small (And cute) for such things. I have found that with their different personalities, some respond to spankings, some don’t.

My oldest will be like, “*Sigh* OK” and turn over meekly for her spanking. But she freaks out if sent to her room. So spankings don’t work for her. The boys however take spankings very seriously. If a spanking is threatened, they shape up quick. So the end result is that I rarely have to spank my kids.

Levar loves Spankings

Our trips to Walmart go like this:

Child: “I want a cookie.”

Me: “Not today.”

Child: “Awwww. Please?”

Me: “Nope”

Child: *Sigh*

So in the spirit of discipline, I have come up with a list of people that should have received more spankings. As a spanking advocate, I would also suggest that a nice public spanking would be a good learning tool even at their current ages. I will also suggest the proper instrument with which to administer the spanking. All are bare booty spankings unless otherwise noted.

1. Paris Hilton – With bare open hand delivered by her father (It’s been a long time coming.) In the center of Madison Square Garden before a crowd of thousands.

2. Crispin Glover – With belt delivered by Steven Spielberg on the set of the David Letterman show.

3. Brad Pitt – With cricket bat delivered by Jennifer Aniston on the set of Oprah.

Spanking with Cricket bat

4. Bill Clinton – With yard stick delivered by Hillary Clinton at live press conference. (She would win the presidency if that happened.)

5. Hillary Clinton – With bare hand delivered by Bill Clinton on covered booty to save the public from seeing Hillary’s wrinkled old booty. On Today show.

6. Nicole Richie – With bare hand delivered by Lionel Richie on his newest album cover.

7. Tom Cruise – With lightning bolts delivered by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard in front of Will Smith for good measure.

8. Jimmy Swaggart – Delivered by the hand of God at judgment day before the heavenly hosts.

Swaggart after spanking

If you guys think of any more, list them in the comments section. If we get enough, maybe I will start a new page just for this.

I know it has been a few days since the last post and I apologize. It has been a hectic few days. Therefore I think a Junk Drawer Cleanout is in order.

Junk drawer emptied

Okay stop the presses. I don’t have a clue how I missed this before, but it is right up my alley and one of the funniest things ever. If you don’t get it you don’t have kids.

Utah Jazz:

Inonsistancy, thy name is Jazz.

Jazz New Team Photo

The Jazz went 2-2 on their road trip this week. They lost the two games that should have been the easiest while winning the two games that were the hardest.

1. We lost the first game to Chicago. We had fresh legs and Chicago is not a very good team this year. They have a losing record and most likely won’t even make the playoffs in the east. We let them get an early lead and waited until the end to try to win it. Unfortunately by that time, they had the confidence they needed to put us away.

2. We beat the Milwaukee Bucks. This was the second night of a back-to-back and the Bucks are a better team than Chicago this year. I guess that we were ticked off about losing the night before though, because we came out strong and put them away in the fourth quarter after they tried to make a comeback.

3. We beat Boston. This was supposed to be the toughest game on the trip. The Celtics have the best record in the league and they had only lost 5 games at home all year. But this is the game our guys were geared up for and we blasted the Celtics for their worst loss of the year. Man was I on a high after this game.
Deron beats Celtics

4. But the high was short lived because we lost to the Nets by one basket the next night. Now this was the fourth game in 5 nights so it was understandable that our energy let down a bit in the fourth, but this is a Net’s team that has a losing record in the east and lost their hall of fame point guard via trade just a month ago.
Utah looses to Nets

So why the distress? This is the tightest playoff contest the western conference has ever seen. Only five games seperate First place from 8th place. We are sitting currently in the fourth spot because we are winning our division but the two teams below us in the ranking actually have a better record than us.

If the playoffs started today, we would face the Spurs who we haven’t beat on the road in like ten years and they would have home court advantage in the first round. THat would be bad. Our guys need to step it up and win home court advantage in that first round if we want to advance anywhere in the playoffs this year.

The sad thing is that I think our team would be a title contender if not for our inconsistant road play. This season we have the best overall team we have had since the last time the Jazz went to the NBA finals. We can beat any team in the NBA quite handily on any given night. We almost never lose at home, (Only three losses at home this season.) but we have a bad road record. (16-21)

Rifftrax:

This last month has been a bit slow for Rifftrax. They put out a bunch of shorts and did some political ad parodies (You can see some of them on my site Here and Here). But a full Rifftrax has been missing.

(BTW the shorts that they have been releasing on Rifftrax.com for .99 cents each are absolutely hilarous. Best money you will spend.)

Well tomorrow the first new Rifftrax in a month will be released.

Beowulf Rifftrax

I saw Beowulf for the first time last week and boy did I have mixed feelings about that flick. I will put a full review of both the movie and the Rifftrax of the movie later this week.

MISC:

NEVER GET AN ADJUSTIBLE RATE MORTGAGE.

Just a heads up.

If I could I would rip that ARM off and hang it over my mantle as a trophy just like Beowulf did to Grendel.

MSTK:

Giant Gila Monster single disk

With it being a slow Rifftrax month I have been watching a lot of the old MST3K episodes again and here are two quick reviews for you.

First of all in an odd kind of situation, Rhino put out it’s last set of MST3K episodes (Volume 10) before the rights to the show switched to a new label (Shoutfactory). In a screw up, they included the classic episode Godzilla VS Megalon. Unfortunately, they did not have the rights to release that movie, so they put out a replacement disk. It is one of my favorite all time episodes, The Giant Gila Monster.

The great thing is that you can order it individually for a limited time for like 8.00. Just click on the link above if you are interested. (I don’t get any money if you do, this is just sharing something cool.) Once they sell out, it will be gone. Who knows when or if that episode will ever be released on DVD again.

The Giant Gila Monster

Man this is one of the best Joel episodes. One of my favorite bits is that they notice that the director always told the actors to put put their legs up on things while they talk to make it look more casual. So whenever one of the characters enter a room, Joel and the bots are guessing when they will put their leg up. This has me laughing every time.

Gila Monster Knee up

One of my favorite scenes is when a Cop and a kid come across an abandoned suitcase on the side of the road left by a hitch hiker that the gila monster ate and Joel says, “Why a smart feller could put a leg up on something like that.”

Last night I watched one I hadn’t seen before called The Starfighters

MSTK Starfighters

This one is a Mike episode and I found it hilarious all the way through. This film was made in conjunction with the US Airforce using tons of real fighter plane footage from peace time. (I’m guessing this was done as sort of a movie length commercial for the Air Force.) It is a story about some new pilots going through training to learn how to fly the “Starfighter”. It’s kind of like Top Gun but there are no enemy planes to shoot at.

Evidently this episode is famous for the looong refueling sequences as seen in the beginning of the video below: (If the following videos aren’t working for you just refresh and click the center of them to go directly to the Youtube video. I don’t know why the link doesn’t work some times.)

Did you notice the 60’s era elevator music? Well it goes on whenever they are flying.

Later in a host segment, Tom and Crow recreate the refueling sequence while crow is on hold with customer service trying go get connected to the internet. (This segment is as shocking as it is funny.) I almost died laughing. It is at the beginning of the video below:

Overall this is one of the best Mike episodes. As lame and uneventful as the film is, the riffing is top notch. I will leave you with the “United Servo Academy Men’s Chorus Hymn”. What I love about this is that Kevin Murphy sang all the parts himself. He is so talented. This is brilliant:

Televangelists

Some folks just have it. Call it charisma if you will. These folks can go places. They often become polititians, actors, or musicians.

These people can be good or bad. Most of them probably start out good. The thing is that people with charisma soon learn that they can use that charisma to make money. Money can easily corrupt people. That is often what turns a charismatic person with the best of intentions to corruption.

This is seen all the time in politics. Some go into politics for power in the first place, but many others go into it with the desire to to good only to be taken down years later with scandal. Such behavior among politicians is well documented and expounded upon on countless sites so I won’t go on about it here.

Jimmy

The thing is that many charismatic people also go into the ministry. This is one place that people should be able to withstand corruption. It’s teaching about God for goodness sake. They are standing in front of people that need comfort, people looking for direction. But what do some of them do to these people? While one hand pat’s their shoulder (or slaps their forehead), the other steals their wallet.

There are the small timers, like the guys that travel the Navajo indian reservations setting up revival tents and taking the old Navajo ladies’ turquoise jewelry. Then there are the big leaguers. The folks with enormous preaching shows with the lazer lights and the big bands. They take the money of thousands in return for empty platitudes. Televalgelists are the worst of the bunch.

I have yet to see a televagelist that didn’t make me squirm. They aren’t men or women of God. They are con artists. And horrible ones at that. Take TBN for instance. Everything about them is opulent and money hungry. The biggest thing that should tip you off about these criminals is the pink haired mother of the crypt keeper. That bewigged clown lady should scare every person looking for God away.

The Evil Crouches
Clown Lady

Here are some tips for knowing if someone is honestly trying to preach the word of God or just take your money:

1. Is there an entrance fee to their house of worship?

2. Check out their appearance. Do they look like humble servants of God or are they dressed in finery? Do they have multiple rings on their fingers? Jewelry? Tons of Makeup?

3. When passing the collection plate around, do they pressure you for more? Do they tell you how much to pay? Do they tell you where this money is going?

4. Do some research about them. How much of this money goes to charity and the Lord’s work? How much do they keep for themselves? Is it a comfortable living or do they live in a mansion? Did Jesus have a mansion built for his teaching?

I understand that a full time minister needs to be able to live, but is it God’s way for his sevants to become wealthy off of the money of the poor? Most of these people are snakes in preacher clothing. It’s people like this that make the rest of the world think Christians are crazy.

In my opinion these scum of the earth deserve to be brought down a bit. So I must admit that I love those Farting Preacher videos. What these people do is despicable. So why don’t you laugh at them with me? It may make you feel better.

This is the first one I ever saw. It is still hilarious.

Kungfu Farting Preacher.

Screaming Farting Preacher. This guy is so Evil. When the lady says she doesn’t feel anything, he calls her a liar. Holy crap.

Mrs. Farting preacher 1

Mrs. Farting Preacher 2

Preacher Potpourri 1

Preacher Potpourri 2

Evil televangelists Exposed:

Peter Popoff

Kenneth Copeland


And Finally Here Is A Preacher That Gets It: