First about the Roland Ratings (also known as +/- ratings). They are an NBA statistic that measures how well a team does while a player is on the floor. So for instance if player a comes in the game with his team trailing by 5 and leaves the game with his team trailing by 10, he would get a rating of -5.

It is a silly ratings system in that it takes in no factors other than the entire performance of the team dependant on that one player. It doesn’t matter who he is playing with or against. But it is immensely popular for some reason. And we have Roland to thank for them. He created the ratings system and he rather egomaniacly named them after himself, as you can see on his own site.

I originally wrote this list on the Jazzfanz site as to liven up a long and boring topic on the accuracy of the Roland Ratings system. I was pretty proud of it at the time, so I though I would post it here. I have taken out some of the obscure Jazzfanz references and modified it a bit.

Here is a list of things we can figure out about Roland just from his +/- system. (I know nothing else about the guy really.)

1. He’s also known as Roland from Poland.

2. In his home town they call him Rolly Polly Roland.

3. They have a TV show there called Everybody slaps Roland.

4. He’s just got one of those names that’s out of style like Monte or Heathcliff or Percival.

5. Everyone thinks he drives a Mercedes but it is really just a Mercedes body on an old ford Pinto Chassis.

6. His license plate says IAMKUHL

7. He has a yippy little dog named Fluffy that his wife loves but he secretly hates and kicks it when she isn’t around.

8. He doesn’t watch any basketball games, just likes to look at the stats.

9. When playing D&D with his old college roommates he likes to be a cleric named Jondalar.

10. He only wears t-shirts with glow-in-the-dark painted letters that are half peeling off. They say things like “I’m with stupid”, or “Check it out” with an arrow pointing down, or “Like Mike”, or “Bush lied”, or “Right said Fred.”

11. Roland wears a cracked pocket protector that always leaks.

12. He subsists on a diet of Mac and cheese and diet coke

13. All of his Star Wars action figures are on the Dark Side

14. He went as Xena Warrior Princess for Halloween

15. He is cooler than other geeks because he uses Gorilla Tape to fix his glasses.

16. He only bathes with flower shaped soap.

17. He has a 10 foot by 10 foot lawn yet only uses a riding mower.

18. He only drinks near beer yet takes a shot of Nyquil before bed every night.

19. He calls his mother “Moms”

20. He goes jogging wearing short shorts with reflective stickers on them.

21. He painted flames on his cofee thermos

22. He divorced his first wife after she threw away his collection of Mad Magazines.

23. He says “Mute point” instead of Moot point

24. He washes behind his ears with baby wipes four times daily at 8:00, 12:00, 4:00, and 10.00.

25. He sprinkles bacon bits over his frosted flakes.

26. He had his middle name spelling officially changed to Bartholemieux

27. He sprays Axe cologne in the crotch area. And likes to tell people that it’s the only place he needs cologne.

28. He has a hat made from the discarded hair of his cat, Foo Foo.

29. He has an ant farm that covers the entire wall of his bedroom.

30. He only tips waiters based on their +/- stats.

31. Only has autographed basketball cards of Nene, Alaksandar Pavlovic, and Dajuan Wagner

32. Tells his girlfriend after sex that he had more fun when she wasn’t in the room.

33. Has a framed and signed jersey of Portland’s Sergio Rodriguez (look it up)

34. Writes checks with accuracy up to .001 penny.

35. He designed the New Ball.

36. He always plants his flower bulbs towards the end of the summer.

37. He does not swallow watermelon seeds for fear of growing melons in his belly.

38. He always gets out of the tub before pulling the plug.

39. He only bets odds on the roulette table.

40. He spent 10 million dollars on Lottery tickets once and won the 11 million dollar Jackpot but took home 5.5 mil after taxes.

41. His favorite Little Rascal is Alfalfa

42. He wonders why he doesn’t get a good high when he’s sniffing his Elmers.

43. His favorite Looney tunes character is The Dodo

44. He does the YMCA dance during Fiddy Cent songs at the club.

45. He tells his friends that Stephen Hawking is his bioutch.

46. His fans look a lot like he does.

47. They also have a tendency to pick up similar mannerisms

48. He has a tattoo on his right cheek that says “01000100010”

49. He barcodes his own groceries.

50. He puts pickled asparagus on his hotdogs.

51. Claims that he only went to Neverland twice.

52. He helped OJ write his new book.

53. Also helped write Uwe Boll’s Masterpiece House of the Dead

54. He only shaves with a straight razor but only shaves his armpits.

55. He often waxes poetic on the virtues of lima beans in a can.

56. He carries a Simpsons mug around with Smithers face on it.

57. He is positive that the world would be better off without chickens because an egg tastes better without a chicken in it.

58. He prefers afterglow to the actual act.

59. He hasn’t taken off his shoes in six months because he hurt his foot the last time he wasn’t wearing them.

60. He prefers creamed corn to regular because “It’s creamier”

61. Has Polly Pockets Lampshades

62. Literally licks his wounds.

63. Has tried to sell his scab collection on Ebay for like six months.

64. Also has a ratings system for Baseball, Football, and Pocket pool.

65. Quit listening to the radio once he heard Air America was shutting down.

66. When asked why he wore sunglasses at night, replied “Cause when you’re cool the light shine on you 24 hours a day!”

67. Summers in New Mexico, Winters in Alaska

68. Swims in a speedo with the Superman symbol

69. Also has a ratings system for Dish soap, air sanitizers, and support hose.

70. His original draft of his Roland Rating’s burned in the California fire. Now he keeps the ashes in an Urn over his fireplace mantle.

71. Always refers to his chest as his “McRibs”

72. Sends out millions of spam emails in Klingon.

73. Still meticulously cleans his vast Garbage Pail Kids collection.

74. Favorite movie: American Beauty extended unrated director’s cut. (For all the extra topless scenes with Annette Bening)

75. Favorite sports show: Anything with Stephen A Smith

76. Laughs at Taco Bell commercials

77. Whenever at Seaworld, tries to touch Shamu’s hole

78. Wears his pants higher than Diane Keaton
This is a low day for her pants

79. Favorite Actor: Crispin Glover (So Dreamy)

80. Makes candles with own earwax

81. Prefers to eat his apples core first

82. Plays in a band part time, his instrument? The Diggery Doo

83. His nickname for Mo Williams is M. Williams

84. His nickname for Marvin Williams us M. Williams

85. Saves his toenail clippings and buries them in his flower garden.

86. Thinks anything with midgets is funny.

87. Has nose holes bigger than Dionne Warwick
Careful, she'll breathe you in.

88. Likes to quote Confucious to friends and family members.

89. Has a humongous adams apple

90. Arranges food on his plate by a color code only known to him.

91. Sends messages to his parents in the next room via morse code on the wall.

92. Once covered his entire wall with Twinkie wrappers.

93. Has fluorescent shoelaces on his sneakers

94. Was offended by Napoleon Dynamite

95. Keeps meticulous +/- stats on all his family members.

96. Has entire wing of his house dedicated to the storing of Happymeal collector toys.

97. His Ipod is always on continuous repeat of the Little Mermaid soundtrack.

98. Tells people he is Atheist, but prays to Buddha and Allah once daily “just in case”

99. Once heard Britney Spears wore a toe ring, so went out and got his pinky toe pierced.

100. Prefers New Kids on the Block to NSYNC but only admits it to Barbara Walters, whom he writes letters to twice daily, ignoring the restraining order.

101. Wouldn’t touch Lindsay Lohan with a 10 foot pole.

102. Obsessively chews on pocket lint.

103. His +/- statistics for Seinfeld showed that the show was 40% funnier when Kramer was not on the screen.

104. Claims he once read Isaiah, but he really just likes the pictures.

105. Hates the use of the word “heck.” Prefers “H. E. double hockeysticks”

106. Refuses to eat pork roast because he’s Jewish, but loves Bacon, Baby back ribs, and Sausage.

107. When told those things come from pork, he puts his hands over his ears and says “LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!”

108. Does not like how Walmart profits from chinese labor, so imports his stuff directly from china to avoid the middle man.

109. Calls his nipples his “nippies”

110. Likes to point them out. “Wow it’s cold. Look at my nippies.”

111. Also likes to point out everyone elses. (Especially female co-workers.) “Woah . . . . Headlights!”

112. Has only been sued for sexual harrassment twice. Both times he pled “What? It was cold outside.”

113. Considering changing his name to Rodney to distance himself from this topic.

114. His favorite game is World of Warcraft, where he constantly gets destroyed by a character with the moniker AK-47 every night.

115.Bought a can of mixed nuts with less than 50% peanuts. Then emptied the can counted out the nuts, got out his calculator and sued the manufacturer of the nuts for false advertizing. His plea was “I’m 50% allergic to peanuts.”

116. . . . . then he went home and ate the peanuts.

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