1/17/08
Rifftrax is running a contest where fans can suggest the next movie for them to riff. The catch is you have to suggest the film in Haiku. Here are my entries. I hope I win.

Update 1/21/08
Hey, I got third place with my Pirates Haiku. I won a 10 dollar gift certificate for Rifftrax.

Leonardo Sad
He want Titanic so bad
Too bad he is dead

Hobbit hair so curly
Pass the Two Towers Frodo
Please stop biting nails

My wife is weeping
She saw Fried Green Tomatoes
While I cut onions

Braveheart woke me up
He screamed freedom so loudly
With his guts ripped out

Zombies can be good
Would she drag you to the mall
if she might get bit?
Dawn of the Dead

Johnny Depp ain’t gay
Just channeling Keith Richards
Orlando Bloom though . . . .
Pirates

But he ain’t heavy.
He’s my brother, Neil Diamond
No, seriously
The Jazz Singer

Wasn’t it crazy
that Bruce Willis was a ghost?
You didn’t know? Oops.

“You Robot?” “Not Me.”
“Him Robot?” “I don’t think so.”
“Ohhh, I Robot.” “That’s Right.”

Why swim in the dark?
Naked ladies are shark food.
Ask Chrissie Watkins.
Jaws

I say pain don’t hurt
But Meatloaf can drive a truck
Swayze drives one too
Black Dog y’all

His thrown poop could kill
Dear Lord don’t sit in that hand!
Naomi Watts, noooo!
Kong

Nick Cage set on fire
You would pay to see that, right?
Well no one else did
Ghost Rider

Why Argentina
would Madonna make you cry?
Banderas can sing?
Evita

Niles takes up swimming
Perlman in red eats pancakes
Tambor is a jerk
Hellboy

Tim Burton’s first Bat
Keaton did not take a crap
For the entire shoot

Yipee Kiyay, Huh?
You dropped Snape off a building.
Who couldn’t do that?

Stranger than fiction
Emma Thompson chews the scenes
Like a mountain goat
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_than_Fiction_%28film%29

That’s it, daikini.
Don’t give blackroot to the kid.
That’s right, fear this peck.

Jesus and Albus
In prison for fifteen years,
The film was that long
The Count of Monte Cristo

The Crying Game chick
is the old god of Egypt?
Spader is screwed.
Stargate

Need a film to riff?
Val is your huckleberry.
Aaand Bill Paxton dies . . .

I saw my baby
cryin’ hard as babes could cry
Do Labyrinth for her

Riff Dirty Dancing
Put Baby in a corner
if just for her nose

And lastly I’ll go full circle with this one.

Do Titanic please.
Leave a sweaty handprint on
the window of life.

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